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6:20 a.m. - 2004-12-31

UNCLE BOB'S ANNUAL YEAR-END LISTS

Fine ... I've never actually posted year-end lists here, so technically this is the first annual year-end list.

Without further ado ...

TOP TEN JOBS I HELD THIS YEAR IN ORDER OF HATING TO LOVING

10) MANAGER OF MARKETING TOURISM FOR THE CITY: The only job I've ever had that led me to depression and on the brink of a nervous breakdown and the first job to fire me in 14 years.

9) TELEMARKETER FOR JERRY'S KIDS: God, how I hate telemarketers. And I hated myself for being one. However ... bills needed to be paid and if I can get paid for having rude people hang up on me, so be it.

8) COURIER FOR AN ARMORED CAR SERVICE: Not so much that I hated it ... but I quit before I even started. It probably would have been an okay gig if I had bothered to show up for my first day.

7)CO-OWNER OF A HOME SECURITY BUSINESS: While this one should be higher on the list simply because I worked for three weeks without getting paid a dime, I did it with an old buddy and it rekindled our friendship. At least until he dropped me an email to say that he wasn't going to continue with the business.

6) DJ FOR A CLUB ON ITS LAST LEGS: While everything started off alright and I was getting paid great, within a month they cut my pay in half and my nights from three to one ... Tuesday nights when nobody came in the club. The job lasted two months until the night I showed up for work and the doors were locked tight. I can take a hint and never went back.

5) MY WIFE'S MAID AND SERVANT: The job that lasted longer than any of the others ... since I didn't have a real full-time job for over eight months, I was in charge of keeping the house cleaned, laundry washed and meals cooked. I loved it. I would make an awesome housewife for some burly gay guy.

4) WRITER FOR A LOCAL PUBLICATION: I hate the subject matter that I have to write and have all but told the editor that I've quit. I haven't turned in a story in months and he still emails me for updates on my story. I really don't have the time for this job, but when the boss won't let you quit, I guess you just quit quietly.

3) PISS BOY: When it all comes right down to it ... I love being Piss Boy. It's the most braindead job I think I've ever had, I relish the idea of only spending a few minutes a day in the office and the rest of the time cruising around listening to old tapes I made in the 80s and 90s. I only have a few customers who treat me like shit and even then I'm only in their business for less than 30 seconds. I can't argue with the life of a Piss Boy.

2) DJ IN MY CURRENT CLUB: Speaking of not arguing with a job ... I work in a club that has mostly men for its clientele... yet it's not a gay bar. They just want to listen to good music and that's what I play. Every now and then we have women in the club, and people actually dance. The management and I get along great. The customers and I get along great. And I get paid great. There's no pressure to produce a dance floor so I can play anything from Tom Waits to Slipknot and nobody cares. Lovin' it.

1) MY OWNED DAMNED DJ BUSINESS: As my DJ buddy says "The only thing we get paid to do is to put those speakers on their stands. Other than that, I'd do the rest of this for free." I figured out the other day that when I do a party, I get paid an average of $4.75 for each song I play and I work CHEAP, PEEPS. People have a great time every time I work and I'm responsible for it. One of the most important things to me is to make people smile and with this job that happens every single time I play. I'm going to keep doing this until I can no longer lift those speakers up to put on the stands. And at that point, I'll probably drag Andrew to the gigs with me and have him do it and pay him $10 or something. Foolish kid.



TOP TEN MOVIES THAT DISAPPOINTED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

10) FAHRENHEIT 911: Okay, this movie didn't disappoint me in the least. I was disappointed that Bush somehow got re-elected after the movie was released and I was disappointed that people dismissed the film as trash without seeing it first. Bastards. I wish everyone that had voted for Bush now sat down to watch the film at one time. The collective "D'oh!" and forehead slap across the country would reverberate for weeks.

9) KILL BILL, VOL. II: I didn't care for the film when I saw it in the theater. I disliked the first volume even more, but that was a 2003 flick. It wasn't until I watched them both again in my own home that I started to appreciate them.

8) ANCHORMAN: I haven't seen it yet. It's on my kitchen counter, waiting to be watched. But something tells me it won't be as funny as I'd like it to be.

7) DODGEBALL: I didn't see too many movies this year that I can recall at this early hour. But once again, I expected more funny out of this one.

6) SHREK 2: We took Andrew to see this one. If I recall, I really had to go to the bathroom bad throughout 90% of the film. That can detract from the overall movie experience, lemme tell ya.

5) DAWN OF THE DEAD: Okay, I liked the movie a lot. But it just didn't scare me like I was hoping it would. I sat in the theater, minutes before the film and had butterflies in my stomach, which is a feeling I hadn't had since minutes before I watched "The Exorcist" in the theater for the first time back in the mid-70s. The movie started and I didn't "jump" once throughout the film. It's a great movie. But I think I liked the original better. Plus ... it helps when you're in a theater full of screamers. I went to the first matinee of the day and was in there with other unemployed losers. Unemployed losers have more to scream about than zombie attacks.

4) THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: I get it. The last 12 hours or so of this guy's life were brutal and as a result, everyone around him talked funny. In the end, he was a walking meat loaf. I have no interest in ever seeing that again.

3) OPEN WATER: Oooooo ... a shark movie with a big twist at the end! Let's see ... two people alone in the ocean ... sharks swimming around them non-stop ... I can't imagine what the twist is! Wrong, kids. The "twist" is the most unoriginal twist ever. The movie was only redeemed by the nude scene early in the movie. Hotcha Chacha!

2) SHAUN OF THE DEAD: The trailer for this film made it look hilarious AND scary. I'm sure the fat friend Ed was hilarious, however, being an American I couldn't understand a damned thing he said. Thank God for subtitles, but I was more busy reading his subtitles and trying to make sense of his English slang than I was actually watching the film. And to top it off ... it wasn't all that scary either. I think I liked the film, but I'll have to watch it again in a few months to determine if that's the case.

1) TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE: The TV ads for this film made it look like it would suck. But then I read that's because all the hilarious parts of the film couldn't be shown on TV because they were so raunchy. I gave Parker and Stone the benefit of the doubt and caught a matinee. I didn't laugh out loud once. I smiled during the puppet sex scene. I'll probably rent it because now I know what to expect. But I walked out of that theater just a wee bit pissed off.



THE FIVE WORST ALBUMS I BOUGHT ALL YEAR

5) BRIAN WILSON - SMILE: His long-awaited masterpiece. I'm sure I'd love it if I were strung out on LSD. However, I've decided that my chromosomes don't need any more damaging, so sorry Brian. I don't get this carnival music crap.

4) LIL JON - CRUNK JUICE: I bought this for my business because all the kids like to get crunk these days. Thank God for tax writeoffs. I give Lil Jon two more years before everyone realizes that he realizes that he releases the same song over and over and just changes the name.

3) U2 - HOW TO DISMANTLE AN ATOMIC BOMB: Maybe this one will grow on me. I've tried to listen to it several times, but I always end up switching discs three or four songs into it. It's the first U2 album that I haven't liked instantly.

2) TOM WAITS - REAL GONE: I like vintage Tom Waits ... the piano balladeer. The Tom Waits from the last 15 years who makes clanky noise ... not so much. I read reviews that said this new album went back to his old days. I figured that meant the 1970s. Nope. They meant 1994. It's still clanky noise. And even clankier and noisier than his more recent stuff. This is unlistenable crap at its unlistenabley crappiest.

1) REM - AROUND THE SUN: This one is so disappointing because REM was my favorite band for decades. I can appreciate when a band grows old with its audience and REM has done it ... starting off as rowdy rockers and mellowing with age. However, this one just plain sucks shit. It's no coincedence that this has been one of their worst selling discs ever.


MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF 2004


1)WILLIAM SHATNER - HAS BEEN: The only disc I liked from beginning to end. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd say that.


TOP TEN TV SHOWS OF 2004

10) THE BIGGEST LOSER: Proving that us fat bastards are a sentimental lot.

9)SUPERSTAR USA: The funniest fake reality show ever.

8)BOSTON LEGAL: William Shatner and James Spader are hilarious. Once again ... another sentence I never thought I'd type.

7)THE SURREAL LIFE: The show sucked this year. Now I just watch it to be creeped out.

6)RENO 911!: The funniest fake "Cops" rip-off on TV.

5)JEOPARDY: Only when Ken Jennings was on. After that, the show went back to hurting my brain.

4)DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: You don't have to be pumped full of estrogen to dig these chicks.

3)EXTREME MAKEOVER-HOME EDITION: Because in my old age, I need a good cry once a week in front of my family.

2)LOST: Addictive. Creepy. Kinda like TV heroin.

1)SURVIVOR: Yes, the last season sucked until the Thanksgiving twist. But every now and then, you get some authentic drama out of reality. And the show's ultra-cool when that happens.



That's all I have time for this morning. I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year ... I won't bombard you with the old "Don't drink and drive" thing. You know you shouldn't do it. It's just not smart. I'm going out and I'm not drinking anything but water.

Then again ... I'm old.

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