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7:05 a.m. - 2005-01-27

TRICK OR TREAT?? I'LL CHOOSE TRICK, PUNK


I think I'm getting arthritis.

This is not anything I'm remotely proud of because I'm one of those people who associate arthritis with whiny old people.

And I am NOT a whiny old person.

*cough*

If it is arthritis, then I think the next stop in my whimsical journey towards imminent death will be a colostomy bag.

And while a colostomy bag signifies loss of bowel control or laziness or whatever, I think having one would be fun.

I think that if I had a colostomy bag, I'd sit on the front porch constantly.

And when the neighbor kids came over to bug me, I'd just pull the hose outta my ass and start spraying them with my shit by squeezing the bag like it was a set of bagpipes.

Oh, the look on their shit-covered faces!

What a hoot!

So while I'm not exactly looking forward to spending the rest of my life with sore knuckles, spraying kids with shit sounds like a complete and utter blast.

Then when their parents come over to confront me for soaking their kids with aging feces, I can just bark "Back off Skipper or you'll get a face full of semi-digested corn!"

I will RULE the street with my colostomy bag!!

And sure ... while I'll be labelled the Crazy Shit Guy At The End Of The Street, it will all be worth it because it's all about the power that comes with the colostomy bag.

I think I'll even erect a hand-written sign in my front yard saying "Home Of King Shit ... Trespass At Your Own Discretion".

I need to ask some doctors today about hooking a brother man up with the bag.



I keep fighting the urge to write "I'm hungry" in this space because even though I AM hungry right now and my stomach is growling, I don't want anyone to think that writing about spraying kids with my feces is what made me hungry.

I mean, come on.

I'm not THAT sick.



Seriously.

I am HUNGRY.



Therefore, I'm going to put an end to this bitch right now so I can get something to eat.

And since I've given you people very little to comment on, I shall leave you with a question that you may feel free to answer on the comments page below.

Okay.

Here it is.

Ahem.

(Let me put on my reading glasses here)

If you could ask any famous person either dead or alive one question, whom would you question and what would you ask? (Assume you would be given an honest answer.)

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