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6:35 a.m. - 2005-02-07

BRINGIN' THE FUNNY ... TOMORROW


I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before ... but I'm a DJ by trade.

Being a DJ means that I hear an awful lot of music each week including just about every new song released.

I've heard it all including several dozen offensive songs that are mostly gangsta rap.

But last week I heard the most offensive song I've heard in years.

There's no curse words ... well ... I think she says "Hell" in the song.

I just checked. She does. My bad.

The song is called "Baby Mama" and it's sung by Fantasia ... yes ... the same Fantasia who won the last "American Idol".

There's not many Fantasias out there if you don't count the Disney movie.

So anyway ... the song celebrates these young teenage mothers who are trying to raise their babies by themselves.

I realize that being a single mother has to be one of the toughest jobs imaginable. I'm a married Daddy and every day is a challenge for me ... and Susie does the majority of the true parenting of this kid.

Here's a few of the lyrics of the song that truly disturb me ...

It's about time we had our own song
Don't know what took so long
Cuz now-a-days it like a badge of honor
To be a baby mama

Problem #1: So many of these young women look at being a single mother as a badge of honor. They're proud that they've introduced yet another mouth to the welfare system ... and another potential gang-banger to the streets in another 13 years.

I see you get that support check in the mail
Ya open it and you're like "What the Hell"
You say "This ain't even half of daycare"
Sayin to yourself "This here ain't fair"

INFURIATING.

First off ... that's MY goddamned tax dollars you're getting in the mail, sweetheart. Y'see ... I work MY ass off at three different jobs so that you can sit on YOUR stupid ass and collect money for your baby's daycare because you were bored, spread your legs for some worthless piece of shit to impregnate you so you could drop out of school and stay home and "raise" a baby or seven while the rest of us raise the money for you to provide him with government cheese.

And the final line??

"This here ain't fair"?!?!?

Oh motherfuck ...


This wouldn't piss me off so much if it wasn't true ... but the majority of these "baby mama" feel this way ... how are they supposed to "provide" for their babies if the government doesn't give them enough money to shower the kids with filet mignon and a new video game each week?

Sorry sweetheart ... we'd give you more money ... but there's about a million other goddamned urban females under the age of 20 who had the same idea that you did ... let some lowlife bastard that has no intention of ever continuing a relationship with you knock you up and then go spread his seed and disease elsewhere.

And we have to help them raise their little bastards too.

So we have to spread the "little bastard" money thin again this week.

Sorry.

Oh ... and it's about to get a whole lot worse because America's Idol Fantasia? She's spreading the word that it's actually an honor for young women to get pregnant and try to raise their kids in poverty. Sooo ... that means more illegitimate children out there are going to be taking food out of the mouths of your babies. Oops!

But wait ... here's an idea ... why don't you buy some duct tape and use the whole roll to tape your knees together from now on?

Y'see ... that way you won't be so quick to let every Tom, Dick, Harry and Harry Dick try to poke you silly!

What a concept!

Here's an even better concept ... rather than striving desperately to be a baby mama ... why don't you strive to do good in school, get a scholarship into college, work hard to become a doctor or lawyer or mobile DJ, make enough money to put a downpayment on a decent house in a decent neighborhood where people don't punctuate their sentences with gunfire and then ... then ... THEN ... let 50 Cent knock yo' boots and be a baby mama.

And I think it should be a holiday
For single mothers tryin' to make a way
But until then
Here is your song"

Yeah.

That's what society's been calling for all along now ... a fucking holiday for welfare Moms.

Wait ... that's not right.

Society's been calling for these young women to practice a little concept called "abstinence".

It means "not having sex until that hot-assed gang-banger you spotted robbing the local Quik Mart last weekend puts a ring on your finger, has a preacher deem it official and you're on your goddamned honeymoon".

Hey! Even the Bible says it's cool to wait! Maybe it's not such a bad idea, huh girlfriend??

And before we get started knocking me for my opinion that I've stated on my webpage ... I know there's lots of single mothers who read this site. But I have to think you're not a drain on the welfare system and if you are ... honey ... sell this computer that you're looking at right now and buy that kid some food.

And I'm not saying that single mothers are evil by any means. What I'm saying is an artist suggesting to impressionable little girls that being a single mother is like a badge of honor that should be celebrated with a holiday is horribly irresponsible of our "American Idol" ... herself a single mother. Don't trivialize single motherhood as a heroic feat ... that's the hardest damned job in the world and no teenager is even remotely ready for such a burden.

Bottom line ... we've spent decades trying to tell teenagers to practice safe sex and to wait until they're married to have sex.

And Fantasia comes along and GLORIFIES getting knocked up and becoming a burden on society and the legal system.

And the worst part about the whole thing???

...That's one catchy little melody she came up with.



So our next door neighbors invited us to a Super Bowl party last night which was kind of surprising because ... who the hell ever invites me to anything?

We go to the party, bringing my world famous Sweet and Sour Meatballs which aren't exactly "world famous", but when you introduce them that way to everyone who makes their way over to the buffet table ("Hey! See those? They're ... world famous."), people tend to try them more than they would "regular meatballs".

(Try it next time someone invites you to a party. Bring something and declare it "world famous". Even if you don't bring anything edible ... casually mention your genitalia are world famous or something and watch people's interests pique.)

So it's a neighborhood party which is cool because in the wintertime we never really see our neighbors as we all tend to hibernate inside our homes.

Our OTHER next-door neighbor Gretchen who lives on the other side of our house showed up with her one year-old daughter Leslie.

Naturally, I ask where her husband Toby was. Toby's the only other guy on the street that I like because he's always got a beer in his hand and a smile on his face.

She hesitated.

"Toby moved out around Christmas," she said. "We're getting divorced soon."

The usual cavalcades of "I'm soooo sorry"'s came flying out of everyone's mouth and she spent 30 seconds or so nodding her head solemly and saying it was for the best and that they're better friends than lovers and all this jazz.

So for the next hour or so, we all tried to steer the conversation towards happy things.

Then Gretchen left.

And everyone turned in to "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!" mode.

We didn't even watch the game.

Or even the commercials.

Everyone just pecked like hens over how Toby and Gretchen could possibly get divorced ... they seemed like such a happy couple, blah blah blah.

Then we started dissecting what we knew of their relationship.

Toby always had a beer in his hand. From the moment he got home from work until it was time for bed each night.

Gretchen did not.

That was our deduction. Toby's a drunk and Gretchen finally got tired of him not sobering up enough to be a new Daddy.

Anyway, I hate that Toby's gone.

Hopefully he'll sober up and save this marriage and family.

Yeah.

Way to bum you out on a Monday morning, huh?

Here's the ironic part ... now Gretchen's a baby mama.

Grumble grumble grumble.

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