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6:57 a.m. - 2005-02-09

WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME. DON'T HURT ME. NO MORE.


I have never seen the celluloid masterpiece "A Night At The Roxbury".

I have seen the Saturday Night Live skits that the movie was based on and can sum those skits up in one paragraph.

Two guys who can't talk without grunting go to nightclubs and point at women, inviting them to dance until one naive woman ultimately decides to dance with them at which time they sandwich the woman between them and roughly bump her back and forth between them before she manages to get away from them.

Ha-ha.

When the movie came out, I had to make the decision if I wanted to spend 90 minutes of my life watching this skit over and over again in an empty movie theater.

In the end, my decision was to not attend a movie based on skits that I never really understood in the first place.

Sorry Will Farrell.

I think you're a very funny guy, but everyone's got a stinker in their past and I believe this movie to be yours without actually seeing it.



Yesterday I was asked to train the new guy who would be taking over my job as Senior Piss Boy, Esq.

He's a 20 year-old guy by the name of Martin.

Martin was dressed in a bright maroon suit with a black turtleneck and a chunky yet casual gold chain necklace.

His hair was slicked back, which I thought was unusual since ... and I'm no fashion hound by any stretch of the imagination ... but I thought slicked back hair went out with the "Grease" fad of 1978.

We get in the car, strap in and I begin to tell him a bit about the job from my perspective when he interupts me.

"Have you ever seen 'A Night At The Roxbury'?" he asks.

Wow. What a coincidence. I just spent the first part of this entry talking about how I had never ...

"No," I answered. "Here's our first stop. It's ..."

"I LOVE THAT MOVIE!" Martin exclaimed. "It is the BEST MOVIE EVER!! You have to see it!!"

"I'll make a note of that, Martin," I said. "As I was saying, this is our first client. This is Dr. Bell's off ...."

"WILL FARRELL AND CHRIS KATTAN ARE THE BEST COMEDY TEAM EVER!!" Martin says. "I like the movie so much, I dress like the characters every day!!"

Oh holy shit.

The kid looks like Chris Kattan on the left but he's wearing Will Farrell's suit.

"Everywhere I go, wherever I go, I dress like I'm going out to a club! That's my style!" he gasps.

Oh holy shit.

We go in the first doctor's office and the kid actually flirts with the receptionist there.

"You have extremely beautiful eyes," he tells her.

She gives him a look like he just vomited on the counter.

"Thanks," she mumbles.

"You're welcome," he says. "Have a wonderful day."

He turns to walk out of the office, greeting every patient in the waiting room.

"That's my replacement," I whispered to the receptionist. "Have fun."

For the next two hours, I was regaled with interesting movie trivia about "A Night At The Roxbury".

For instance ... did you know that Martin has probably watched the movie over 100 times?

No??

ME NEITHER!!

Did you know that Martin has five blue suits and five maroon suits so that he can alternate dressing like the two characters?

ME NEITHER!!

This goes on and on and on, interspersed with dialogue from the movie recited by Martin verbatim.

I never went to see the movie in the first place because I didn't think I'd find it funny.

What's worse than not going to a movie I'd find particularly unfunny is listening to its dialogue recited by a nervous 20 year-old kid while I'm trying to train him and drive in a pounding rain.

In the end, I got nothing accomplished as far as actually training the kid.

Even the kid himself mentioned that he probably only remembers four of the places we went to and only knew how to get to three of the places.

So he's riding with me again today.

And tomorrow.

And probably Friday too.

So I have decided that in order to get in the spirit of things, maybe I should dress as one of my favorite movie characters too.

Therefore, today I'm dressing as Jason from the "Friday the 13th" franchise.

I've got the mask, the dirty overalls and the mud-covered boots. Now I just have to find my blood-soaked machete.

Maybe that'll shut the Roxbury kid up.

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