AS THE WORLD INTERNS

I'm sooo tired.

For some ungodly reason, the house was sufficiently rocked last night at the club by me.

The club was almost at capacity, we had lots of good looking, young single women and tons of horny guys who bought them drinks all night.

I got out of there at 2:15.

Thank God I have an arrangement with the Boss that I will not be coming in on Fridays until after noon ... if at all.

Which ... I have to go in today because I've got an intern and I arranged an interview for us today.

I just met her yesterday and while she seems like a sweet kid, she's like every other 16 year-old intern I've had over the years ... she's scared to death to say more than two words at a time at a level louder than a whisper.

So here I am ... Uncle Bob whose sense of hearing is practically a rumor at this stage ... and the intern who whispers "Yes" and "No" to everything I ask her.

Fun, fun, fun.

I'm one of the types who tries to make these kids' internships fun. I don't just say "Empty the trash, go to the store, get me some Diet Dr. Pepper and some porn and then sit in a corner for an hour."

Nope.

I try to make the internship an enjoyable experience so the kid will think seriously about someday becoming a journalist and submitting a story for the paper and the boss looking at it and saying "This is so good that we don't need Uncle Bob around anymore. Sayonara, fat ass!"

So here's how our first conversation went yesterday:

ME: "Soooo ... what are your interests?"

HER: "Mmm-mmmm."

ME: "What??"

HER: "Mmmm-mmmm."

ME: "I'm sorry, could you speak up?"

HER: "Writing."

ME: "No. I mean ... what are your hobbies? You're obviously saying 'writing' because you think it'll score points with me."

HER: "Ummmmm....mmm-mmm. And mmmm-mmmm."

ME: "What?"

HER: "Mmmm-mmm and mmmm-mmmm."

ME: "GODDAMMIT!! Talk at a normal level! I'm not going to hit you for speaking above a whisper!"

HER: "Tennis and shopping."

ME: "Are you on the tennis team at school?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Do you know anyone on the tennis team at school you could interview?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Do you HAVE a tennis team at school?"

HER: "No."

ME: "Well then ... shopping it is!"

So at 3 we've got an interview with the marketing manager for our upscale mall here in town where we will be discussing new businesses coming to the mall as well as plans for the future of the mall.

This should be interesting. I can imagine it now.....

HER: "Mmmm-mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmm?"

MARKETING MANAGER: "What?"

HER: "Mmmmmm-mmmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmm?"

MARKETING MANAGER: (to me) "What is she saying?"

ME: "I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with your opinion on Helen Keller."

Which is really scary because Jamie's an incompetent idiot ... albeit a lovable and charming incompetent idiot.

I said "So I guess that means I'll be running the place in two years?"

Jamie said "Yeah ... when I'm out on the golf course."

We both laughed until he choked on a nacho.

Then it was just me laughing while he turned blue.

Peace out, homies and homiettes.