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6:18 a.m. - 2005-02-22

FAT CELEBRITIES + LOVE FOR BAD TV = ONE CRANKY UNCLE BOB


Please ... for the love of God ... please tell me I'm not the only one who simply cannot turn away in horror from the train wreck which is VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club".

This is without a doubt the worst goddamned show on television today and I cannot stop watching it. It's like televised crack ... you know you shouldn't be watching it and that eventually it will destroy you ... but you're compelled to let it take over your system and turn you into a mumbling vegetable.

Where do I begin in my bitter diatribe against this show?

I guess you can start with the host ... Ant.

Ant is the single-named comedian whose big schtick is ... he's gay.

And he's not "just gay" ... he's a tambourine shaker. Meaning there's no bones in his wrists and every time he talks, his hands are flip-flopping all over the place ... like a tambourine shaker. Naturally, he tries desperately to hide this affliction by keeping his hands clasped throughout 90% of the show's episodes.

I've never liked the guy because as a stand-up, being gay is his whole act. I've seen him do comedy and it's all about being the gay stereotype. He could easily do regular jokes about anything, but chooses to do nothing but gay jokes.

Anyway ... he has no business hosting a reality TV show. None. He's a chunky little fuck too which means he has more ability to be a contestant on this show rather than a host.

Then you have the eight celebrities who are the contestants on this dumpster of a TV show. All of whom have a weight problem ... some moreso than others.

You've got Biz Markie who ... and I didn't know this before I started watching the show ... is the world's first mentally challenged rapper.

He's retarded and not in a good way.

He's completely incapable of shutting his mouth. And I mean physically making his lips touch. Whenever you see him, he looks dazed with his mouth hanging open like he's prepping for the 10 yard dash at the Special Olympics.

You've got Judge Mablean who I guess is one of those TV judges for "Divorce Court" or "People's Court" or something. I had never heard of her, but she's a sassy old broad, never afraid to get in someone's face. She's probably the smallest of the contestants and is the only one weighing less than 200 lbs. I say she needs to be kicked off the show once she's under 200 lbs., but thankfully I have nothing to do with the show.

There's Mia Tyler whose claim to fame is ... well ... I guess it's this show. I had no clue who she was. None. And I've been watching the show from the beginning and they've never explained it either. She looks like she was uprooted from a three-legged couch in a double-wide trailer in Arkansas, flown to California and plopped in the middle of the show in hopes that out of the few viewers this show has ... nobody will bother to ask "Who the hell is this scary chick?"

I've done some research on Mia.

She's known for being one of the offspring of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and the half-sister of Liv Tyler.

She's a plus-sized model which baffles me because she's bone-chillingly ugly. Her stringy hair cannot conceal the elephant ears that protrude from her large head and she proudly shows off this hideous tattoo that covers her entire right bicep on every show.

She puts the "skank" in "skanky".

Mia is the show's diva ... constantly fighting with the show's judges and hurling curse word after curse word at them. The judges try to be nice and pamper her, but she's all "I don't give a fuck, shut the fuck up" at them.

Hello??

Mia??

You're only a "celebrity" because of who your family is.

If Aerosmith had faded out in the late 70s like God had planned for them, you'd be about as famous as the daughter of the lead singer of Boston.

Their team is headed by the black sheep of the Baldwin dynasty ... Daniel Baldwin.

Daniel seemed to be about the only level-headed member of his team ... until this week.

Y'see ... while Danny Boy is trying to lose weight ... he's also strung out on crack or something.

This week's episode (a must see for bad television, by the way) features Danny not showing up for the show until about 45 minutes into it when he stumbles on to the set, barely able to talk, stand or focus on anything.

He blames it on a diet of four hours of sleep a night and pain killers.

Folks, I get about four hours of sleep a night and am pretty hopped up on fistfuls of Aleve most days and I can still function from day to day without anyone mistaking me for a junkie.

Not Danny Baldwin.

You have to see this show and find out why Alec and Stephen Baldwin always try to pretend the guy's dead when prodded about him.



On the other team (yes, I know ... you're sitting there saying "There's more?!?") you've got team leader Ralphie May.

Ralphie May was also on "Last Comic Standing", where America embraced him for his schtick ... a huge fat white guy who tried to pass himself off as a gang member.

Ralphie seems to be the most normal of all the celebrities. He's gracious, hard-working and really wants to lose some of his 450-plus pounds so his girlfriend will marry him.

Ralphie also seems to be the one guy who's cheating like a big dog.

One week Ralphie loses five pounds and you'd think God came down from Heaven to tell Ralphie Himself.

The next week Ralphie's gained eight pounds and he's all "How did THAT happen?"

Here's a clue, Ralphie. You're only being monitored about four hours a day and then the show relies on the honor system for the next 20 hours.

And your big ass is parked in front of an all-you-can-eat buffet for about 15 of those hours.

Duh.

Still ... props to Ralphie for taking off his shirt and unveiling his upper torso several times throughout the show's history.

I'm about half of Ralphie's size and I'd never take my shirt off on TV.

Ralphie's team consists of Joe Somebody.

He was on "The Sopranos" which I've never seen because HBO costs about $100/month here and frankly ... no.

Joe has a bad gas problem which has been the subject of more than one episode.

Joe will talk on camera and let out a loud fart during his interviews. And not just one fart. He'll keep going and blame it all on his diet.

If the guy goes on to ever do anything else in the world of entertainment and I happen to see it ... I'll just say in my head "Oh look. The Fart Guy."

Because I'll never think of him any other way.

Is going on television and farting your intestines out career suicide?

The Magic 8 Ball says "Definitely".

Kim Coles is another team member.

She was on ... ummmmm ... well ... here. Look it up for yourself.

I've never really thought of her as "fat" because I guess when she started her career she wasn't fat.

And while she could stand to lose a few pounds, she just doesn't scream "FAT!" to me.

And she seems to be nice enough.

So I can't rag on her.

Finally ... you've got Wendy ... The Snapple Lady.

You know ... that receptionist lady in the Snapple commercials whose always reading letters ... "Fred Flintstone from Bedrock writes: Dear Snapple ...."

If there truly is an A-list of stars in Hollywood ... Wendy would fall somewhere between the M and N-list.

Hell.

I'M more famous than she is.

Wendy is the epitome of neurotic. She's like an annoying little lap dog that won't stop barking at a Christmas tree.

The ABSOLUTE WORST PART OF THE SHOW?!?

These people are BARELY losing any weight.

I'm sure that after "The Biggest Loser" started, the producers of this fuckfest sat down and thought "Let's do Loser ... but with fat obscure celebrities!"

Here's the difference ... on the Biggest Loser, people actually LOST WEIGHT and it showed.

On the most recent Celebrity Fit Club, they're up to day 62 on the show ... and the most anyone has lost is like 18 lbs. ... barely putting a dent in their weight loss.

The majority of them have lost about 10 lbs.

The Biggest Loser guy lost 122 lbs. all total.

These celebrities have lost the equivalent of a newborn baby.

And the judges suck.

And at the end of the show they all have to get on this huge scale and be humiliated.

And ... and ... and ...

The worst part is ... I stayed up until midnight last night glued to the tube watching this shit and I'm functioning like Daniel Baldwin after a three day coke binge this morning.

Curse you Celebrity Fit Club!!

Today is my first long day at the newspaper and I feel like a ... a....

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


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