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7:59 a.m. - 2005-06-24

REVENGE OF THE MIGHTY DUCKS


Quick update before we get into the final stage of the vacation ... Baby Matthew is doing well with no immediate signs of brain, kidney or liver damage. He'll still be in the hospital for the next month or so before he can come home so his Mom and Dad have set up camp in a waiting room at the hospital.

Personally, I can't imagine going through that, but they're good, tough people and they'll persevere.

Once again, thanks for the prayers.



Friday.

Friday starts off a nice peaceful day while on vacation.

We're sitting out on our deck looking at the lake when we spot two of Susie's aunts in their backyard next door.

They're going "paddleboating" on one of those little boats that you power with your feet.

How these two 70+ year old women are going to be able to maneuver around the lake is beyond me. They look as if they couldn't successfully step on an ant, let alone power a boat with their feet.

So they get on this boat and after about ten minutes of figuring out how to do it, they slowly ease into the lake.

We watch them for a little bit as they head to the middle of this massive lake. Susie and the rest of the family go back inside while I stay outside because it's nice and quiet outside while inside you're subjected to watching Maury Povich or Montel or whoever the hell else this tribe wants to watch.

So I'm watching the aunts as they continue their leisurely little journey around the lake when I see a Mama duck and about five little ducklings.

It's a beautiful scene really. A serene scene.

Until, for some unknown reason, Mama Duck decides to start attacking the aunts.

Specifically Aunt Millie who is ... hmmmm ... a rather large woman.

I'm not sure if Aunt Millie insulted the ducks, if the ducks insulted her ... I have no idea who started the fight.

All I know is that Mama Duck wasn't taking any shit from Aunt Millie.

This duck was flying around the ladies and dive bombing them with her beak as her babies sat in the water and quacked their little baby duck asses off.

"Suze!" I yelled. "Come see this! Quick!"

The rest of the family lollygagged out to the deck to see their beloved aunt screeching and trying to fend her feeble self from this possessed and angry duck.

Aunt Millie was screaming for help while Aunt Louise swatted at the duck with all her might. Which wasn't all that much might as the woman probably weighs about 40 lbs. soaking wet.

...Which she became when she tumbled over backwards off the boat.

To recap: We have two old women ... one being attacked by a psychotic duck and the other now struggling to swim back to safety.

I had to make a quick snap decision. A life or death decision.

Do I run and get the digital camera or the camcorder to document the deaths of two aunts?

I opted for the video camera because if Fox ever decides to do a one hour special called "Family Reunions Gone Bad" I could probably win a prize or something.

Meanwhile, about 20 nearby residents jumped in the water to swim out to the Aunts and rescue them.

The duck then began to attack some of the swimmers, but these were grown men who could handle a few pecks from a duck without waking up the entire residency of the lake.

They finally managed to shoo the duck away from Aunt Millie and one swimmer got on the boat and paddled it back to shore with Aunt Millie slumped over in her seat and Aunt Louise laid across the back of the boat.

By this point, someone had called an ambulance. I know it wasn't our family because frankly, Aunt Millie had been grating on a few nerves over the last five days and we were secretly rooting for the duck.

Aunt Millie received five staples in her scalp to close a wound caused by an angry, angry duck.

Some say the duck wasn't provoked, but I can't help but think Aunt Millie made a comment about how the duck would look luscious on dry toast or something and as we all know by now, ducks just don't put up with that kinda shit from humans.

Aunt Louise was okay. She was a bit winded and demanded that the attack of the ducks be the main topic of discussion for the rest of the reunion, but other than that, she was fine.

The rest of the day was spent praying for Aunt Millie since she was at a local hospital.

I opted out of the obsessive prayer vigil and watched the fourth season of "Seinfeld" instead.



Saturday we drove home in nine hours rather than the 13 hours it took to drive there.

Why so quickly?

Because Susie's brother and his family didn't leave until Sunday.

Duh.



Sunday was Father's Day and Andrew made me a nice tie made out of cardboard and a rubber band.

He even drew a ladybug on the tie which is his latest thing ... he's like the Da Vinci of Ladybugs now, drawing ladybugs everywhere he can.

That's also when we found out about Baby Matthew which was a shock.



Monday I went to work, fully prepared to share my vacation stories with my co-workers.

The only co-worker there was my dearest of dear friends, Jill ... the office manager.

Jill looked sad. I'm trying to tell my vacation stories and she's looking at me like she's about to cry.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

And that's when I found out that while I was on vacation, I had been fired from my job.

Fired for writing "Uncle Bob".

Yep.

I had been Dooced.

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