ALWAYS THE INNOVATOR, MOSTLY THE IMITATOR

So I worked this party last night at a local country club which ended up being the easiest money I've ever made by far.

I was set up on the third floor of the Country Club in an empty ballroom.

I put my speakers outside on a small balcony.

And I played non-threatening, family-friendly oldies for three hours.

The beauty of it all?

Nobody could make requests without having to make a major trek up three stories, down several hallways and through this gigantic ballroom.

So no requests.

No drunks hanging around wanting to "look through your stuff".

No announcements to be made.

Nothing.

Then, when the fireworks started, I just cued up a disc of patriotic tunes and let them play for 15 minutes while the fireworks exploded.

I've gotta say, and I may have said this before but I can never remember what has been written here in the past ... but I am soooo jaded when it comes to fireworks.

And I realized the reason last night why I don't care for fireworks.

There have been no new innovations in the art of fireworks in several decades.

They go up.

They explode into a big ball of light.

People go "ooooo".

The end.

I want MORE from my fireworks.

I need to scribble off a memo to whoever it is that makes fireworks for a living and suggest a few things.

* A firework that, when it explodes, sends flaming balls o' fire rocketing toward the earth, which then start small bonfires everywhere the little balls land so that there's hundreds of little fires everywhere. And don't worry about a major catastrophe because you could just give one of the fireworks guys a garden hose to run around and put the fires out.

But a neat little prank would be to slit holes in the garden hose right before the firework is shot off and then you've got this simpleton running around in a panic because his hose isn't working and the place is catching fire. Boy! Now THAT would be worth watching!

* How about a firework that makes a big flaming flag in the sky? It seems like that'd be the appropriate thing to do. Nothing says "Shit! I love this country!" more than a flaming flag in the sky.

Hmmmmm.

Actually, I DON'T have that many good ideas for new fireworks.

But c'mon fireworks people. I'm sure you guys could get off your lazy asses and come up with something new to see rather than the same old exploding balls of color.

Isn't that why we pay you the big bucks?

Sheesh already.

He didn't get fired.

When I was talking to him on Thursday night and telling him what a dumb thing it was to close down when faced with potential business, I was doing this under the impression that he wasn't going to be working there anymore after a stunt like that.

Maybe none of the upper management found out about it. I dunno.

But he was working Friday night.

We stayed open until 2 a.m. Friday night.

Maybe he learned his lesson.

All I know is that he barely said three words to me all night.

Yep.

I'm still Mr. Popular.

At the time I feel that the slurs were warranted.

Now ... not so much.

Why the change of heart?

Because my man ... MY MAN is hooking his bro-in-law up with a year-old computer with mega bells and whistles on it for $50.

He works at a place where they're constantly having to upgrade all their computers and get rid of the old ones.

And since the dinosaur I'm using this morning is now five years old, it's more outdated than Granny's panties.

So hopefully by the end of the week I'll have a slightly used G5 Turbo with
chrome memory and 1,457 gigahoots of dynamic power!!!

Yeahhhh.

Then you'll ALL be bowing down to the Computer Master.

Or, as I will then want to be called ... Joe Puter.

Bye.