NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS ALLOWED

PHONE AT WORK: "Ring! Ring!"

ME: "Hello?"

SUSIE: "Hey!"

ME: "Hey."

SUSIE: "What are you doing?"

ME: "Just sitting here trying to think of the best way to convince you to let me shave your pubic hair into a swastika. What are you doing?"

SUSIE: "You are sick."

ME: "...And you married me."

SUSIE: "Have we got anything planned for this weekend?"

ME: "Other than the pubefest ... no."

SUSIE: "Andrew has two birthday parties to go to on Saturday."

ME: "Well, I sure hope you two have fun doing that."

SUSIE: "Don't you want to go too?"

ME: "Hmmmm ... I'm working 36 hours on Thursday and Friday alone. Somehow, the thought of standing around with total strangers watching a group of hyperactive sugar-soaked four year-olds run around screaming doesn't sound like the best way to unwind to me."

SUSIE: "I think Andrew would like for you to go."

ME: "And I would like Andrew to eat something other than Cheese Nips for once but that's not happening either."

SUSIE: "Alright fine. I'll go by myself."

ME: "And what will be really cool is that you can stand there, talking to another mother, knowing you're packing a swastika in your panties."

SUSIE: "You are soooo sick."

ME: "And you soooo married me."

(CLICK)