DOIN' DA BUTT

Except for the fact that the word "durned" isn't used nearly enough in today's society and should be, durn it.

Ummmm ... I was able to get the opportunity to DJ at an African-American wedding.

The agency that books me called on Friday to ask if I could do the wedding.

I'm all like "Yeah, sure, whatever" because I'm down to about one booking a month right now because I'm too goshdurned lazy to get out there and drum up business for myself.

Well ... that and I work 50 hours a week.

And I have a family.

And a website.

And I just don't have the stinkin' time to dedicate to actively pursuing new business right now.

So anyway, I'm all "Yeah, sure, whatever" and she asks if I've ever done an A-A wedding before.

And I had to think long and hard about it before I finally answered "Nope".

I mean ... why make a big deal over it?

Do black people get married differently?

Is there some sort of voodoo ritual I need to know about it beforehand so that I can play the appropriate music when the goat's throat is slit and the blood smeared all over the new couple's bodies?

No.

She just wanted to make sure I had plenty of "booty music".

Which is the music you play so that the men on the dance floor can all start grinding their groins into their partner's respective asses.

And I've got plenty of booty music.

I love playing booty music. Most white guys my age would run in horror from booty music, but it's just so durned easy to mix because it's all the exact same beat and it all says the same thing ... "Come here girl, let me grind my groin into that beefy butt of yours on the dance floor while the fat old white DJ looks on in horror."

Anyway, I know why I got the party.

About a month or so ago, I was booked for two other parties about three hours away from here. While I don't normally like to travel that far for parties, I agreed to do it because I'm a total DJ whore who will play anywhere anytime.

Then the parties cancelled on me.

I asked the girl who books me and she said that they needed a black DJ for the parties.

And I was legitimately offended.

I may be vanilla on the outside, but I am all creamy chocolate on the inside.

My heart and soul are black.

I know this because I've often been told I have a dark soul and a black heart.

I assured the booker that in the future, if they want a black DJ, they can feel secure in sending me because I've got all the booty music and I know phrases like "We all up in here!" and "Where my dawgs at?"

So she hooked me up with this party to make up for the racial discrimination on the last gig.

Just watch.

I'll do great.

Those kids ... they want booty music?

I'll give 'em booty music.

Chubby Checker's "The Twist".

Now THAT'S booty music, kids.

Start grinding, G.