IF I WERE A DWARF, I'D BE GRUMPY TODAY

Tomorrow we surrender our rental car, leaving us with a beat-up old minivan that runs "right now" but who knows how it'll run tomorrow.

So ... in my book ... this means we have to get crackin' and get a car title in our file cabinet pronto.

Susie's not in that big a hurry.

Susie likes to REEEEESEARCH first.

And while I'll admit that it pays to do your research ... we just don't have that much time.

So in the meantime, with rental cars and borrowed cars and cars in the shop ... schedules are having to be adjusted and fine-tuned every single day in order to figure out how the kid gets to daycare and how we both get to work.

Yesterday found me driving two large loops around the city before I even got to work.

Had to get up at the crack of dawn to take the kid to daycare.

Then go pick up the van that was in the shop AGAIN.

Take that to ANOTHER SHOP because the first shop is all "We don't know what's wrong with it".

(TIP: It's a Dodge. THAT'S what's wrong with it.)

The second shop looks at it and says "Well, this here part's all out of place. It's go' be 'spensive to fix."

"How expensive is 'expensive'?" I ask.

"'Bout $120," the guy says.

Sheeeee-it.

He has no idea who he's talking to.

We paid $150 to get a freakin' battery put in a car and then totalled it two weeks later.

Freakin' $120 is a drop in the bucket.

I was all "Fix it!" and Susie was all "Listen to the mechanic."

The mechanic said we should just drive it until the belt breaks again.

Ah yes.

The opposite of preventive maintenance.

I guess you could call it "Foolish maintenance". I dunno.

Anyway, the van made it home okay last night from Susie's work.

Who knows how it'll act today.

A guy hits Susie head-on and totals our car.

It's all his fault. The cop said it, the driver said it, his insurance company said it.

We have to total our car which is worth a whopping $2,300 because it's 10 years old.

Paid for.

But 10 years old.

So now, WE have to scrape up $15,000 to get a new car while the guy WHOSE FAULT ALL OF THIS IS has to pay the $2,300 plus the small portion to get his own car fixed which was so minor he drove away from the scene of the accident with no problem.

It wasn't Susie's fault.

But we still have to shell out the bucks.

I think a better solution would be ... you crash into me and total my car because you were on your cell phone??

...You buy me a new car.

Sounds fair enough to me.

Freakin' jerkwads.

We still haven't seen him because his immune system is still developing but his parents are relieved.

He's on a low-fat diet for his entire life.

Welcome to the wonderful world of carrot sticks, Matthew!

I doubt you're getting your fair share of "chuckles" as the diary has promised.

Maybe it's because I arose at 5 a.m. to do this and THE FREAKIN' INTERNET WAS DOWN FOR THE SEVEN BILLIONTH TIME THIS MONTH.

And now it's time for me to fix breakfasts and lunches and wake up little boys and get them dressed and hair combed and teeth brushed and get me showered and teeth brushed and dressed and out the door before 7:15 a.m.

Yeah.

Maybe THAT'S it.

I ain't gots TIME to be funny.

You Polack.

Call someone a "Polack".

That used to be the biggest insult when I was a kid.

"Oh yeah? Well you're from POLAND!"

Man.

How times have changed.

Now you insult someone by saying their mama's so fat she puts mayonnaise on her aspirin.

HEY GEEKS.

Gotta question.

Do you know of a program that can SUCCESSFULLY convert Microsoft Word Spreadsheets (WKS)files into Excel Spreadsheets?

So far my bro-in-law and myself have not been able to locate such a program.

If so, drop me an email or leave it on the comments board thing.

I've got ALL my DJ information including my booking dates on these old spreadsheets and can't open them in Excel.

Maybe THAT'S why I'm not so amusing today.