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6:40 a.m. - 2005-08-05

THE TEN MINUTE UPDATE

This is going to be a ten minute update.

Whatever I can come up with in ten minutes, that's what you get.

Not a minute more.

Because I only have ten minutes to write this.

Hmmmmmmmm....

How are you?

I am fine.

Nine minutes to go.

All praise Barb who took one of my old Spreadsheet files and turned it into an Excel file that I can actually USE on this newfangled uppity schmuppity Windows XP machine.

PRAISE BARB!!

AND ALLAH TOO IF YOU'RE SO INCLINED!!!

Eight minutes to go.

Had a crappy night at the club last night.

It was dead ... REALLY dead early on.

How dead??

We had more employees than customers until about 9:00.

Then the bottom fell out.

And all these people came rushing in to sing karaoke.

And I was all "Jeez people ... lemme go get all the karaoke crap outta the safe."

And this one lady came in and she sings ... she sings everything in a loud opera voice.

I cringe when I see her walk in because yes ... she likes to sing but no ... she sings like a woman being electrocuted.

And she does the same thing everytime she comes out for karaoke ... she picks some poor guy who's never been out there on karaoke night to sing the duet "Endless Love" with.

And the poor guy gets up there with her, grabs the microphone, quietly starts mumbling the first part of the song which was originally sung by Lionel Richie ("My love ... there's only you in my life ...")

And then she just BELTS OUT HER PART WITH MORE VIBRATO THAN A SEX SHOP FULL OF VIBRATORS DURING AN EARTHQUAKE.

"My-I-I-I-I-I first lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve" ....

She spends so much freakin' time contorting her diaphragm into shapes that have no business being shapes that she starts sorely lagging behind in the vocals because she's trying to impress everyone that she can stretch a word like "my" into about 37 syllables.

Three minutes left.

Anyway ... she drives me batty.

AND the worst part?

She dresses like LaToya Jackson.

She always wears those stupid headbands and she's like 60 years old and I just wanna scream "YOU'RE NOT LATOYA JACKSON AND YOU SOUND LIKE A COW WITH HER UDDERS CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP!! SHUT UP AND QUIT PREYING ON YOUNG GUYS TO SING WITH YOU JUST SO YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE TO SING THAT GAWDAWFUL SONG, YOU CREEPY OPERA-SINGING FREAK!!!!"

That's 12 minutes.

Bye.

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