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5:51 a.m. - 2005-09-26

AN OPEN LETTER TO ABC (THE NETWORK ... NOT THE ALPHABET)

Dear ABC,

How are you? I am fine, thanks for asking.

Pretty good weather we're having lately, huh? Except for all those pesky hurricanes. I bet those are a pain for your guys in the newsroom who want to report on things like Demi and Ashton but have to devote hours upon hours of airtime to things like poor black people screaming at George Bush. Man! What a bummer!

You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you today. I bet you get a lot of letters every day and people probably say things like "Why did you kill the Boone guy on 'Lost'?" and "Can I be a desperate housewife too?"

Well, that's not why I'm writing.

Nope.

I'm writing because I saw that show "Extremely Makeover: House Part" last night and at the end you said "If you know somebody that could use a home makeover, write us a letter here at ABC and we'll read it and then come out and build you a new house with lots of fancy stuff inside."

Yep.

You guessed it.

I KNOW somebody!!!

My sister needs a new house.

As much as I'd like to give you a sob story about how she got fired from her corporate job and has to eat Chef Boy Ar Dee Ravioli twice a week for lunch now in order to tug at your heartstrings, her plight is much more sadder.

My sister is ... a slob.

My mom calls her a "packrat" which means she never throws anything away. It's probably a midwestern term that you fancy California people never heard before so I thought I should explain it to you.

Anyway, her house is literally littered (HA!) with stuff like old TV Guides all through the house.

And these aren't even the real TV Guides. These are the ones that come in the Sunday paper that get newsprint all over everything which are even grosser than TV Guides and even harder to decipher what with their grids all over the place.

She takes her trash out ... out to the second bedroom!!! HA HA HA!!! That's a joke!!! But seriously, she doesn't take all her trash out.

She uses old Pringles cans to store her used tampons. I know!! How gross!! But she swears it's sanitary and that she saw it on Oprah once. I'm all "No way!" and she's all "Double Way!" and when she double way's something, usually that means that she's not lying and really knows what she's talking about. She says Oprah has a little holder next to her toilet specifically designed to hold old Pringles cans. I wouldn't know because I don't watch Oprah because she's not on ABC and I love ABC (I'm not just saying that). I used to, but ever since she brought a wheelbarrow full of cattle fat onstage I was all "Enough already, Opes!! I'm switching to Family Feud!" And so far...you guessed it ... no wheelbarrow full of cattle fat on Family Feud!!

So anyway, my sister's house is a mess and could stand a good old fashioned tearing down and building back up again with brand new Kenmore appliances. I bought a saw from Sears once in 1988 and believe it or not, it still works! That's craftsmanship! That's Sears! (You can use that in your commercials for Sears if you want, I give you permission). I even used the saw to saw off my neighbors' dog's front legs when it was stuck under my backyard fence in order to free the dog. And it worked! And you would think the neighbors would have been grateful that I freed their dog, but guess what? The complete opposite!! They were all yelling and stuff and trying to make me feel bad but I was all "That's craftsmanship! That's Sears!" while I hoisted that bloody saw with pieces of fur and dog bone clinging to it high in the air. That would have made quite a Sears commercial, huh?

So I love Sears.

And maybe that's a good enough reason for you to come tear down my sister's house and build her a new one with a big TV that has that fancy built-in TV Guide thing already in it so she can just flip to the TV Guide station thing and go "Well now ... Oprah comes on in five minutes!"

And please, if you do come tear her house down, tell the Ty guy to leave his megaphone home. Gosh! I hate to admit, but that's the part of the show I cannot STAND!! Why does he have to yell through that thing at everyone??? It's a megaphone!! According to scientists' studies, it already amplifies the sound of your voice so that's why you shouldn't have to yell through it. And Ty should know that! But still, every week, there he is yelling through it like a dumb fool and if you watch closely, NOBODY appreciates being yelled at through a megaphone!! And plus, he could do some serious damage to their hearing when he does that! I should know because I lost the hearing in my right ear standing in front of a speaker at a Van Halen concert in 1981. So standing the chance of losing the hearing in one of your ears is a really stupid thing. Unless you can catch a guitar pick while your hearing drips out of your ear in the form of BLOOD!!!

So, in closing, my sister needs a new house and Ty needs to leave the megaphone in his trailer because my sister has a nervous condition and that megaphone could kill her. Not really, but just for once I'd like to watch an episode of this great great show without having to watch Ty running around screaming like a maniac.

And I'd also like to watch an episode with my sister in it. Even though she's a messy slob, she'd still be pretty funny on your show! Ask her to do her Rosie O'Donnell impression!! It's a HOOT!!!

So are you going to do it or not? I need to know so I can call my sister and tell her and we can go out and get her a new t-shirt that says "I (Heart) Extremely Makeover" on it so when you come screaming at her at 7 a.m. in the morning to come out of her house, she can be wearing that shirt because I think it'd make for good television, don't you?

Well, you should.

Thank you for your time and attention,

Uncle Bob Stevens

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