NEW JOKES FOR THE ATOMIC AGE

I can remember the set-up, but I always panic when it comes time to tell the punch line and inevitably screw it up to where the person I'm telling the joke to is left standing there staring at me and waiting for something funny to be said.

This never fails to make me do a little tap dance/shuffle, clap my hands using absolutely no rhythm and say something stupid like "Ain't I great?!?"

I realize that I'm not the only person in the world who can't tell a joke worth a crap.

Therefore, I've invented "Lazy Jokes".

Lazy jokes are jokes that you make up as you tell them. If there's no real joke, THERE IS NO REAL PUNCHLINE.

Here's a few lazy jokes I've made up recently (i.e. in the last few minutes). Feel free to use any of them today in normal conversation and get the satisfaction that you'll now be known as "That Weird Person" wherever you are.

Michael Jackson after the parents of his young victims come to take their kids home after a long night of sexual abuse at the Neverland Ranch.

An eight-legged male dog.

The bartender, who's never seen these three in his bar, asks for their I.D.s

"Here you go, sir" the priest says as he produces his ID and is given a draft beer.

"Oy vey!" the Rabbi says in a Jewish accent. "Here you go".

The bartender checks the ID and hands him a draft beer.

The China man sits there without producing anything.

"Where's your ID, China man?" the bartender growls.

"Oh," the priest says, wiping the foam off his upper lip. "He doesn't speak English."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's There"

"Ralph"

"Ralph Who?"

"I mean Paul"

"Paul Who?"

"I mean Terry"

"Terry Who?"

(Keep this up using random names until you get punched hard)

It depends on how cold it is outside. But on a normal warm day, probably two.

"What are you doing?" the doctor asks.

"I'm trying to get pregnant?" the blonde responds.

"By laying on a table by yourself with your legs in the air?" the doctor asks.

"You have a penis, don't you?" the blonde asks.

The doctor's penis becomes engorged with blood and he hops on the table to have sex with her.

A week later, he gets hit with a lawsuit and loses his practice, his wife and children and his reputation as a doctor who doesn't have sex with his blonde patients.

Worst of all ... the woman was really a brunette wearing a blonde wig!

D'oh!!

(Slap your forehead as you say "D'oh!")

Right??