ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH IN COLORADO

That's my boy playing on what I thought was the coolest toy in the world on his fifth birthday last night.

Yeah.

That lasted all of about two minutes.

Then it was back to watching that dreaded Little Einsteins video that he's had for over a month.

Do yourselves a favor, parents. If you have a 4-5 year old ... click on that link and buy that DVD right now.

Gawd.

SOMEBODY has to share my pain here.

The "coolest toy" wasn't as cool as I was hoping.

I thought it'd be all hydraulic and shit and would be tossing Andrew to and fro.

No such luck.

Andrew steers the thing and it's actually his manual steering that turns him around ... not some battery charged electric hydraulic system that spins him around like a mouse in a clothes washer.

And the "vibration"??

...Not so much.

It's like a gentle hum on your ass.

I wanted "rocky terrain" type of vibration.

I got "baby massage" vibration.

Ah well ... like most of his toys, he doesn't care for them at first and warms up to them eventually.

That's fine.

But I can't help but stare at that motorcycle arcade thing and think of all the things I could have bought for $80.

An ounce of marijuana is legal in your city now!

Guess who's coming to visit ASAP??

(HINT: One old reformed pot smoker from Alabama who's been jonesing like a "Reefer Madness" dope fiend here lately)

Yeah.

Me and about a million other ex-hippies.

Hope there's room for us all.

I'll just crash on somebody's floor if that's cool.

That's where I'll wind up after smoking up a one ounce doobie anyway.

We invited 30 kids and 23 have RSVP'ed.

Which poses a small problem.

The place we're having it allows the kids 90 minutes to play on their big inflatable things ... and then 30 minutes for an actual party.

I watched Andrew open four gifts last night.

That took him an hour to do.

How he's going to open 23 gifts in 30 minutes and still eat his share of the big cookie (no cake Mama ... NO CAKE!!!) is beyond me.

And at the end of the 30 minutes, you are OUTTA THERE. They've got to clean the place up for the next party.

Honestly, I just wish everyone would cough up $20 rather than get the kid a gift.

I've got a plane ticket to Denver I've gotta buy.

*cough*

Literally.

*COUGH*

Damn you, Denver.

You're so freakin' appealing to me now.