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5:54 a.m. - 2006-02-01

UNCLE BOB ... NOW WITH 10% MORE EDUCATION!


The family went out to eat last night for a quick dinner.

We're sitting there eating while Susie's telling me about her day and Andrew is annoying the other patrons of the restaurant with his impression of Geraldo Rivera, asking them insane questions while they try to eat. I'm playing the role of Geraldo's producer, trying to reign Geraldo back in while listening to my boss (Susie).

That has to be one of the worst analogies I've ever come up with. My apologies.

Anyway, Susie's talking about how they had to fire some girl at work for something or another.

She then gets on a kick about how her bosses started talking about strange things that she had never heard of.

She then says (quite loudly) "What's a Cleveland Steamer?"

*cough*

"Why do you want to know?" I asked.

"Well, the owner of the company and the CEO were talking about them and laughing and when I asked what it was, they said 'You don't want to know'. So what is it?"

I was imagining that everyone within earshot of our table was leaning in to hear my response.

"It's ... uhhhh ... it's where a guy goes number two in a woman's mouth and she eats it," I said.

"Ewwwww," Susie said. "I'm trying to eat!"

"You asked!" I said defiantly.

"You made that up!" she said.

"Well ... I'm pretty sure that's what it is," I said.

"Okay then ... what's a Dirty Sanchez?" she asked again.

"I think it's the same thing," I said. "Just a different name for it."

Susie thought even less of her bosses after dinner last night.

We got home and looked up both of the phrases online.

Thank God for the Internet because I was proven wrong!

A Cleveland Steamer is when you shit on a person's chest and then use your shitty ass to smear the shit into their chest, like a steamroller.

Ah!

I stand corrected!

I feel so foolish for suggesting it might include eating shit!

And a Dirty Sanchez is when the guy takes his finger, shoves it up his partner's ass (during regular sex, mind you), pulls it out and wipes whatever shit may be on his finger onto his partner's upper lip, thus creating a mustache o' shit on their face, giving them a mustache like you'd find on a guy named Sanchez who happened to be rather dirty.

Boy oh boy!

You would THINK I'd know something like that!

I'm so embarrassed now. Here I always thought I was a gross-out master and I've just been feebly going through life, hearing these phrases like "Cleveland Steamer" and "Dirty Sanchez" and just naturally writing them off as having something to do with eating somebody's shit.

I couldn't have been further from the truth!

My favorite filthy phrase, of course, came from "The Aristocrats" where Andy Dick explained what a Strawberry Shortcake was.

For those of you that are so unhip to today's sexual slang to not have a clue as to what it is, I'll share.

A Strawberry Shortcake is when a guy ejaculates into his partner's face and then punches the partner square in the nose until they bleed. The combination of blood and semen produce a colorful effect not unlike Strawberry Shortcake.

See?

And you thought you'd never learn anything on this site!

I should seriously consider changing the name of this site to Professor Bob.


Andrew is still on his "goddammit" kick.

He's also still on his Thomas the Tank Engine kick where he watches episodes of the TV show and then acts them out with his Thomas trains.

Last night was a hoot.

He had Thomas in one hand and Percy in another and they slowly crashed into each other on his train table.

Here was his commentary verbatim from the crash:

"Goddammit, Thomas!" Percy said. "Why did you crash into me? Sir Topham Hatt is going to be VERY cross!"

We are thoroughly convinced that he heard the word from another kid at school and that kid got in trouble for using the word and now Andrew's decided that it's a grown-up word and is cool to use.

I have taken the route of correcting him when he uses the word.

"It's pronounced 'doggonnit'," I say.

"No," Andrew corrects me. "It's 'goddammit'."

"Doggonnit."

"Goddammit."

"Just say doggonnit, Andrew."

"Okay."

...Five minutes later...

"Goddammit, Thomas! You did it again! You're in big trouble now!"

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