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5:17 p.m. - 2006-02-05

TEN CELEBRITIES I WOULD PAY $20 TO PUNCH IN THE FACE

10)JENNIFER LOPEZ

REASON:

Considering that she's at the bottom of my list, I have the least amount of hatred for her amongst the ten celebrities. Still ... she comes off as a prima donna diva who has the talent of a folding chair. I've never seen any of her movies or bought any of her CDs and if anyone ever suggested that I watch one of her movies with them, I would spray them in the eyes with Raid and kick them so hard in the knee that their knee would buckle backwards and they'd collapse to the floor, screaming "OWWWWWW!! GAWWWWWD!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!"

And I would sneer and say in a quiet tone of voice "I don't hang with Lopez Lovers."

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HER?:

Hard enough to leave a welt.



9) PARIS HILTON

REASON:

Paris Hilton has no business being a celebrity. Her "acting skills" are slightly higher than that of a heroin addict acting like they're clean and sober while trying to scrape the imaginary scorpions off their forearms with a putty knife. Her claim to fame is that her grandfather or whoever had the foresight to build a hotel with softer toilet paper than every other hotel and voila! Instant faux celebrity!

Wow ... two French words within three words. Just thinking about this skank makes me as pompous as she is.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HER?:

Hard enough to make her look like that.



8) JIMMY BUFFETT

REASON:

I know, I know ... how can you hate Jimmy Buffett? He's such a nice, laid back guy. He's got a devout following of middle-aged frat boys and sorority girls who go to his concerts and get drunk on tropical drinks and scream "PLAY MARGARITAVILLE, JIMMY!!!" and go "WHOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!" a lot. Those fans are called "Parrotheads" for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Wait ... no. I get it now.

I'm sure Jimmy's a nice guy.

But I'm punching the crap out of him because I can't stand his fans.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?:

Hard enough to where his fans would feel it.


7) SEAN PENN

REASON:

At one time, I liked Sean Penn. That one time was when he played Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High". Since then, I've thought he was one of the most classless jerks in Hollywood. It's like he's trying to mold his career into someday being a politician but he doesn't realize that he's regarded as being such a pissy assnugget by the majority of society that he wouldn't get more than a handful of votes. He's one of the few people whose social consciousness is grating.

Oh. And when was the last time you saw the big penis smile??

Sean Penn smiling.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?:

So hard it'd make him actually smile.



6) BRUCE VILLANCH

REASON:

If you have no idea who Bruce Villanch is, you're not alone. He was on the most recent edition of "Hollywood Squares" which hasn't been on in years. He writes jokes for "comedians" like Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal which means he was responsible for 90% of the groaners you used to hear on "Comic Relief" back in the 80s.

But most importantly, he's known for looking like a 350-lb. Polish Lowland Sheepdog.

And I hate those stupid t-shirts he constantly wears. It's always t-shirts and stretch slacks. T-shirts and stretch slacks. T-shirts and stretch slacks.

God, Bruce. Lose a pound or two.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?

Hard enough to knock that obnoxious wig off his head.



TOMORROW ... THE TOP FIVE CELEBRITIES I'D PAY $20 TO PUNCH IN THE FACE!!!

(Since I'm running out of time this morning.)

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