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5:44 a.m. - 2006-02-07

UMMMM YEAH ... THOSE OTHER FIVE CELEBRITIES I'D PAY $20 TO PUNCH IN THE FACE


5) BROOKS & DUNN


REASON:

Hi.

We're Brooks & Dunn. It doesn't really matter which is which. Nobody knows for sure anyway.

We're country music singers. While most country music singers have perpetual smiles on their faces to let the American public know that they're just harmless uneducated yodeling hillbillies and it's okay to buy their records ... we go the opposite route. Yes. We don't smile.

Oh, we still churn out the same crap that the other country music singers crank out at an alarming rate. We've had hits like "Boot Scootin' Boogie" and "You Can't Take The Honky Tonk Out Of The Girl" to prove that we can be just as ignorant and incestuous as the next country music star.

But we grimace THE ENTIRE TIME we play these songs to let you know one thing ... we think we're badass.

I mean ... seriously ... would you mess with two guys who are so obviously badass? Even if we are screaming about scootin' your boots across the dance floor while you boogie?

Hell no, you wouldn't, chief. It's obvious ... we mean BUSINESS. Because underneath that hat that's way too big for our pinhead and the mullet that went out of style in 1987 ... there's nary a smile to be found, Junior.

Don't mess with us.

We're Brooks & Dunn, brother.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH THEM?

Hard enough to make them smile weakly with mouths full of broken teeth and shredded gums.


4) VANILLA ICE

REASON:

Speaking of "artists" who think they're "badass" ... none come more delusional than Vanilla Ice.

Oh, he tries to convince the world that he's not a guy you should mess with.

But he's like a little kid holding his breath to get his parents' attention. We, the public ignore him until he exhales deeply and goes back to eating rocks.

Whenever I see Vanilla Ice flipping off the camera (pretty much in every photo taken of him since 1990) I think back to the story where Suge Knight dangled him over a seventh-story balcony by his ankles and demanded that Vanilla Ice give him all his royalty checks.

Vanilla screamed like a little girl (how hardcore!) and gave them up willingly while the poop seeped out of his pants, up through his shirt and escaped through the neck of his shirt to land on the sidewalk seven floors below.

That was the end of Vanilla Ice for a while.

But then he came back.

This time ... he was in our face!!


BOOOO-YAHHHH!!

EAT THAT, WORLD!!

Sorry, Ice Ice Baby.

You're always going to be that guy screaming like a little girl while letting the big bad wolf take every penny you had somehow lucked into getting.

Meow, Meow Baby.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?

Hard enough to take his lunch money like the little girl he is.



3) GENE SIMMONS


REASON:

As a teenager, I worshipped the ground this guy walked on.

He was a God in my eyes. He was so cool as the fire-breathing, blood-spewing, bass-slinging monster that I wanted to be just like him.

Then, a funny thing happened.

I heard him actually speak rather than sing.

I heard him speak about how great he was, how great his band was, how great of a lover he was, how great of an entrepreneur he was, how great his shit smelled, how great his life was, how great ... and I just said to myself "Shut up, Gene".

Shut up.

You or somebody associated with you came up with the great idea to wear makeup onstage.

You recorded a few songs that had some decent choruses and you made some money doing so.

You were blessed with a large tongue and you used it to sexually satisfy a couple thousand sleazy groupies who were so wacked out of their minds, they didn't mind a guy dressed up like a demon slobbering in their crotches.

I sincerely hope you put a condom on that cow tongue of yours.

Now, if you hear an interview with this guy, he sounds as smug and arrogant as ever. As if his band is still on top of the world.

Sorry man ... you've been surpassed about a thousand times by now.

Shut up, Gene.

Just ... for the sake of my childhood memories ... shut the hell up.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?

In the back of my mind, I'd like to think that I wouldn't even punch the guy. I'd just plead with him to shut up.

But faced with the actual meeting of Gene Simmons with clenched fists, I'd probably beat him until I had to be pulled off of him, like Ralphie beating that bully in "A Christmas Story".



2) DANNY BONADUCE

Christ, this guy makes me shudder.

Danny Bonaduce is such a fame whore, he truly believes that no publicity is bad publicity.

He's been arrested for soliciting a transvestite for sex.

He's been a fourth-string imitator of Howard Stern on the radio for over a decade.

But the final straw was his VH1 show which I think was called "Breaking Bonaduce" or some shit like that.

In this reality show train wreck, Bonaduce showed that he was a drug addict, an insanely jealous husband of a woman who I wouldn't look twice at in the local mall, a raging alcoholic, a steroid user who flew into the most insane 'roid rages you'll ever witness and a cocky bitch who threatened everyone around him with physical violence including his therapist.

I only watched a handful of episodes and each one made me more pissed off at this idiot than the last one.

This guy will do anything to hang desperately to that last 15th minute of fame that he earned over 30 years ago.

Go away Danny Bonaduce.

Nobody wants to see your ugly mug anymore.

Shooting yourself???

Sure. Go for it.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?

I'm no fool. This guy would kick my ass until next Sunday if I lifted a finger toward him. I'd be the one screaming like a baby if I hit him.

At least ... I wouldn't hit him while he's still injecting steroids into every orifice in his body.



AND THE NUMBER ONE CELEBRITY I'D PAY $20 TO PUNCH OUT IS ...
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OH ... LIKE YOU WERE WONDERING ...

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GAWD .... WHO ELSE COULD IT BE??
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1) COREY F'N FELDMAN

REASON:

I would think that in a perfect world ... we'd ALL punch Corey Feldman's lights out every time he stepped outside his doublewide trailer.

This guy is the most delusional piece of shit left in Hollywood.

I can't believe I was the only one who started freaking out when he started hanging with Michael Jackson as a teen.

Alright ... we all know MJ probably sexually abused the hell out of Corey while Corey "spent the night" at Neverland.

That's a given.

But then, after being cornholed repeatedly by the King of Pop, Corey started thinking that maybe ... just maybe ... he could fool the world into thinking he was now Michael Jackson.

Shum on. Shum on.

When Corey Feldman began waltzing around the world dressed like Michael Jackson back in 1987-1991, that's when he earned the top spot on this list forever more.

When he appeared on "The Surreal Life" during its first season and promptly made everyone in the house hate his stinking guts ... it only solidified what I had known all along ... this kid was a jerk of major proportions.

He's still oblivious to the way that we perceive him.

He thinks he still deserves a career of some sort.

And like Bonaduce before him, he's desperately trying to find any way possible to remain in the public eye.

When he waved his hands wildly in the air and begged to testify in the Michael Jackson trial last summer, even I had to feel bad for Michael.

If Michael had known this retarded puppet would have turned into such an obnoxious puke machine, I'm sure even he woulda passed on the ass.

I could go on for months about my hatred for Corey Feldman.

But my kid wants to get on the computer and spell his words before school.

You lucked out this time, Feldman.

But as soon as the kid gets his own computer, you're all mine.

HOW HARD WOULD I PUNCH HIM?

The question's not "How hard" but "How long".

And I'd punch him long enough to put him in intensive care for a few years.

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