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6:13 a.m. - 2006-03-02

GOOD EVENING FOLKS AND WELCOME OUT TO LOW SELF-ESTEEM NIGHT


Last Saturday night I show up at the club to start my six hours of rocking and rolling and playing the tunes that make your booty groove. Tip your bartenders and waitresses, they're working double time to make sure you don't leave here sober.

By 10:00, we've got a full house of people including a table directly in front of me occupied by two of the most obese disgusting looking rednecks you'll ever see.

Both were wearing oil-stained ball caps, stained t-shirts and dirty jeans. They each weighed somewhere in the vicinity of 400 lbs.

The impression I'm trying to give you is that neither one particularly struck me as being a lady killer.

About 10:15 or so, four women strut into the club. These women were H-O-T hot.

The women saw these two men and made a beeline for them.

They arrived at the table and began hugging all over these two guys.

One of the women ... I'm guessing she was probably 23 or so ... was wearing a VERY LOW CUT top that exposed several square yards of cleavage.

It was quite obvious that this gal had just received a boob job.

I determined this when the gal quit hugging on one of the rednecks, walked up to face me at the DJ booth, stared me right in the eye, and started hefting her boobs up towards me with her hands.

Oooooookaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.

She then started licking her boobs ... the entire time she was staring at me.

Alllllllllriiiiiiiiiight.

Now, to be honest with you guys ... I'm about the furthest thing from a perv you'll ever meet.

I wasn't going to become mesmerized by a cute little gal licking her new boobs for me.

I held up my left hand, pointed at my ring finger and the wedding band that rests around it and smiled.

"Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu," she yelled.

(Because the music was loud. Not like the woman yells everywhere she goes. I should probably mention that.)

So she sits on one of the redneck's lap and begins grinding her ass into his lap while watching me.

Honestly, I've been doing this DJ thing off and on for well over 20 years.

And this is the FIRST time that a hot young woman with her boobs hanging out was grinding on a guy's crotch directly in front of me and wouldn't quit staring at me as if I was about to hold up an Olympic score card for her grinding abilities.

I notice that just about every guy in the bar is watching her and grinning.

Meanwhile, I'm concentrating more on the people who are dancing ON THE DANCE FLOOR and not those giving lap dances directly in front of me.

But eventually it got just too wild to ignore what was going on in front of me.

Princess New Boobs decided she was going to give one of her female friends a lap dance.

So she hops on this gal's lap and begins grinding into her crotch.

She leans back so that her head is next to her friend's head.

Her friend decides to do her puppies a favor and expose them completely to the smoke-filled room.

She pulls the low neck on this gal's shirt down and ...

BOOM! BOOM!

Houston ... we have exposed boobs.

What I DIDN'T notice (at first) is that while this is going on, one of the redneck guys is giving Princess New Boobs' crotch a rough workout with his hand.

So this girl's breasts are exposed and Jethro Nutdragger is practically punching her crotch out.

And the gal looks to be in ecstasy.

One of the bouncers comes over after all this took place.

"Did she whip her boobs out?" he asks me.

"No," I answer. "Her hot friend whipped 'em out for her."

"That's her second boob job," the bouncer said. "She loves showing them off."

"Obviously," I agreed.

For the next two hours, whenever she wasn't being manhandled by her friends, she was doing countless tricks with her boobs for me.

She'd press them together.

She'd lift them up and lick them.

She'd flash 'em at me.

And while I was impressed with her doctor's work, the reality was that I was going home to a sleeping wife and son no matter what this gal did to titilate me.

Yes, pun intended.

Finally, we had to kick the gals out of the club.

In a particularly smart economic move, we waited until 1:30 a.m. to do it because their show was really attracting a crowd of heavy-drinking men and their disgusted girlfriends.

While exposing your boobs is okay, when two females start French kissing deeply on each other and kissing each other's boobs ... that's apparently enough to get you kicked out of the club.

So the gals are gathering up their stuff while the bouncers stand over them to insure that they leave.

Nobody boos the bouncers which was what I was expecting.

Princess New Boobs is perplexed though.

She's looking for something.

Looking under the table. In the cushions of the chairs. Around the dance floor.

(As it turns out, she lost her keys)

But I made the line of the year while she searched for the keys.

"What are you lookin' for, honey?" I said over the microphone and then dropped the music off completely while I uttered the punchline.

"... Your dignity??"

While the line didn't get that many laughs, I don't think the Princess even realized I was talking about her.

Once we kicked them out, the crowd followed.

Which was fine with me.

I'd had enough excitement for one night.

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