THE MOST RANDOM OF THOUGHTS

This freakin' cold won't go away.

Well ... it did for about a week.

And now it's back with a vengeance. And a 357 magnum in its hand. And a cigar dangling out the side of its mouth. And a tattoo on its neck. And it's saying "Thought you got rid of me, didn't you?"

And I'm all cowering on the floor saying "Leave me alone Mr. Cold! I want no part of you!"

But guess what?

TOO LATE.

This time I'm gonna bitch slap this cold into oblivion when it's not looking.

When the cold lets its guard down, I'm gonna fill my gut up with Vitamin C and echinesea (sp?).

That'll show it.

(FYI ... the cold has left me delerious.)

I really don't know what happened.

I followed the Scott's Lawn Care tips to a T and spent about $200 last year on every single fertilizer those people put out.

And now ... we've got weed after weed after weed popping up out there.

So I've called three different lawn care services who will come out today and leave estimates for me.

I'm sneakin' up on my lawn problems just like I'm sneakin' up on my cold.

And when the lawn's not looking ... ZAMMO!!! HA!!! YOU GOT SERVED, GRASS!! HOW D'YA LIKE A NICE HAWAIIAN PUNCH OF SUPERSONIC WEED KILLER, BEEYOTCH?!?

Good God ... is this what Nyquil will do to my entries??

I'm glad the movie that won best picture last night won best picture last night.

(Didn't want to spoil it for those of you who come here first in the morning before reading news sites. But if that's the case ... dudette ... get a freakin' life. Canada could be under nuclear attack and you're sitting there reading about my cold.)

((It's not under nuclear attack. I just checked the Drudge Report to make sure.))

Anyway, I'm glad it won because I own it on DVD and it's the only movie that I had a chance to watch out of the five best picture nominees and I thought it was an okay movie and now I've got to go back and watch it again with the wife this time who may be offended that it has about 292 curse words in it and then she shuts it off halfway into the film and I can continue watching it later and say to myself "Yep. That's the same movie I saw two months ago, alright."

(Mental note: Don't mix Nyquil and Robitussin. Unless you're into drooling like a rabid dog and rambling.)

I saved the dream for last because I know how a lot of people don't like to read about other people's dreams.

Honestly?

I could give a shit about your dreams.

Therefore, I don't expect you to care about mine.

But it's still fresh in my mind and I want to document it because I was a really nice guy in the dream.

So here's the dream ...

I walked into a McDonalds and my college sweetheart was in there eating with her college roommate.

I sat down with them and my sweetheart told me that I needed to get over her.

I said that I was over her and I was moving to Europe in about six hours.

Had my plane ticket and everything.

I got up from the table and said "This is goodbye."

She and her roommate burst into tears as I strode out of the McDonalds and into the parking lot.

Once I got out to the parking lot, I realized that I had left my underwear at the table and I needed my underwear.

So I went back into the McDonalds and they were gone from the table but their food was still there.

I couldn't find my underwear so I went out to the car and got in to drive to the airport.

Except I couldn't find my plane ticket.

I thought it might be inside the USA Today newspaper box outside of the McDonalds, but I didn't have 50 cents to put in the machine to try and find my plane ticket.

I was about to drive off because I figured the plane ticket had to be somewhere inside the car when my sweetheart and her roommate stopped me in the parking lot.

"Come with us!" they cried.

"Okay!" I cried back.

They led me down the streets of Los Angeles (don't ask) to a hospital.

We walked in the hospital and my sweetheart burst into tears.

"I need you to go in the emergency room and find Brent," she said.

(Brent was the guy she dated before me. How I remembered this I'll never know. Oh! Nyquil and Robitussin probably played a large part in it)

So I strut right into the emergency room and found a guy who had been shot in the shoulder and was heavily medicated.

It was Brent.

I told Brent that our former sweetheart was outside in the waiting room waiting to see him.

I found a chart next to Brent and picked it up.

It was some sort of questionaire that our sweetheart had filled out.

And it was all "Who Do You Love And Why?" questions on it.

And she had answered them all about Brent.

And I was listed as a "Special Friend" with my phone number next to it.

So SHE still hadn't gotten over HER former boyfriend!

HA! THE IRONY IS RICH HERE, BABY!

After reading that she only thought of me as a "special friend" and still loved her former boyfriend, I decided to let them be together and to quietly step out of the picture.

Then I woke up and came to the computer to write all this crap.

And you sat there, saying to yourself "This guy used to win online awards for this kinda crap??"

Yep.

My thoughts exactly.