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5:23 a.m. - 2006-03-08

WOULD YOU LIKE GREEN EGGS AND SPAM?


Remember when spam emails would halfway make sense?

You'd be lazily going through your emails and see one from Gunther Kremeathorium with the subject line "Need Bigger Erections?"

You'd click on it because ... let's face it ... we all need bigger erections every now and then.

And Gunther would say something like "Have I got the solution for your limp dick problems! New Viagroxxx pills! Only $29.95 apiece! Send the money to me now".

And you'd send him the money because you fully trusted Gunther. And then you'd never get any pills in the mail and you'd slap yourself in the forehead several months after the fact and scream "I'VE BEEN HAD!!"

Yeah.

I miss those days too.

Because now I'm getting all these strange assed emails.

Here's a classic:

你好
我公司有商品销售发票及各种发票优惠代开,可验正后付款。如有需要可与我司联系。
联系人:张先生
电 话:13510560525

Except in my email, it showed up as nothing but little boxes.

Yeah, buddy. I'll get right on that one.

And who can forget ...

10 га Каширское шоссе 26 км недалеко от аэропорта Домодедово,
49 л. аренды, опушка леса, категория (земли поселений),
разрешенное использование ИЖС,
цена 2000$ сотка, можно сделать земли промышленности ,
собственность - цена 2400$ сотка (2-3 мес.)

Seriously ... WTF???

Do these Greeks or Russians or brainless feeble whores think I can read this malarkey???

Lately I've been getting a lot of these. It's titled "Is ur GF unhappy with ur thing?"

You would THINK it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to decipher this one ... "Is your gay friend unhappy with your electric can opener?"

You'd be wrong.

Opening the email, I find this:

Morning Geoffroi,

Check this out, Micah told me on Tuesday that ur girl been unsatisfied about u in the bedroom. I can assist with that. Check out www.fdfes.org/igb/. I've been using them for a years now and nothing but great things for them.

how to be on his own. "This tendency of teenagers took place even in ancient history, where the . customs, but as their control increased, many people in Britain began to call for major social and cultural reforms in order to bring India t

Later
Alphonse

Right off the bat ... Alphonse needs to put the crystal meth DOWN.

First off, my name's not Geoffroi. If it was, my parents would have been dead by the time I reached 10. Killed by one pissed off little 10 year-old kid who was getting the shit kicked out of him every day at school.

Second, I don't know a Micah and if I did, I don't think I'd be telling him that I was a sexual failure in the boudoir. I also wouldn't tell Micah to ask all his friends advice on how I can satisfy my girl.

But then ... Alphonse must have just exhaled out the fumes of whatever drug he's smoking because the shit just goes off into left field on some bizarre tangent that would leave Stephen Hawking scratching his keypad in confusion.

Is Alphonse TRYING to sabotage his own email?

Does he just figure "Well hell ... ain't nobody gonna order my fake Viagra pills no how ... I just think I'll start blindly slapping the keys on this here keyboard and see what comes out to finish this here email."

Because, and I'm sorry if you're reading this Alphonse, but that's how it appears to me.

Needless to say, if the spam you're sending out to market your homemade erection drugs ends in a symphony of insanity, you're bound to find yourself with a basement full of homemade erection drugs.

That's my opinion anyway.

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