ANNA NICOLE SMITH AND HOWARD STERN ARE GETTING MARRIED. WHICH HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS ENTRY. I DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT IT UNTIL JUST NOW (SAW IT ON CNN.COM) WHEN I WAS SURFING THE WEB WHILE TRYING TO THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS ENTRY. I WANTED TO CALL IT "THE ENTRY WITHOUT A TITLE", BUT I'M SURE I'VE DONE THAT AT LEAST FOUR TIMES IN THE PAST. IT'S HARD FOR ME TO COME UP WITH TITLES FOR ENTRIES THAT ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE THIS ONE IS. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THAT THIS ENTRY DOESN'T REALLY HAVE AN OFFICIAL TITLE. I KNOW SOME OF YOU JUST COME HERE FOR THE TITLES AND I APPRECIATE THAT IN A WEIRD WAY, BUT I CAN HONESTLY SAY, THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES. SO CONGRATS ANNA NICOLE AND HOWARD. I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOUR WEDDING VOWS ARE SOMEHOW ABLE TO CRUSH THESE HORRIBLE FEELINGS YOU'VE BEEN HAVING OVER HOWARD SOMEHOW CAUSING ANNA NICOLE'S SON TO OVERDOSE (ACCORDING TO UNOFFICIAL BLOG REPORTS)

Figured I'd better update this thing again before somebody calls the Missing Persons Bureau.

If, in fact, there is such a thing.

Spent the last few days trying to get the house cleaned up for the relatives from Texas who're coming on Friday.

Susie's dad's memorial service is this Saturday, more than a month since he passed away.

No ... I'm not sure why it's so late either.

Anyway, as a gesture of goodwill, I suggested that the Texas brood stay here.

Susie, after picking her jaw up off the floor, immediately called her sister and said that I had offered our home to them.

Some of you may think I'm crazy.

Does that make me crazy??

Does that make me crazy??

Does that make me craaaaazaaaaay??

Possibly.

BUT ... listen to my reasoning.

Friday night when they get here, I'll be 90 miles away doing a sorority party.

That party gets over at 1 a.m.

I'll pack up and then head back home EXCEPT I'll pass home and keep going 90 more miles to my next party which is at 7 a.m.

So technically ... I will get to my 7 a.m. gig at 4 a.m. I plan on TRYING to get two hours of sleep and when the sun comes up I can brush my teeth, throw on a baseball cap and set up the equipment.

It's an outdoor gig ... one of those "Let's all walk around a park to raise money for medical research" gigs that mean they give me a chair and an umbrella and I play lots and lots and lots of Beach Boys music to keep them walking.

That gets over at 10 a.m.

I then pack up and head home, arriving home close to noon.

I walk in the house, say "Hi Texas Brood!" and go to bed.

I sleep for roughly two hours.

I then put on a suit and go to the memorial service where we all sit and stare at each other because my father-in-law has been dead for over a month and his ashes have already been spread over the Pacific Ocean and all that's left to do is say "Hi Texas Brood!"

Then I jump in the van before the service ends because I have a wedding at 5 p.m.

I do the wedding which is over at 9 p.m.

I load up, get in the van, go home and SLEEP.

Because I'll be getting up at 4:30 a.m. to catch my flight to LAS STINKIN' VEGAS BAYBEEEE where I'm going to learn how to be a stage hypnotist from one of the best stage hypnotists in the industry!!!

So in a 48 hour period, I plan on seeing the family for about 90 minutes.

Sure honey ... go ahead and invite the family to stay here.

I don't mind.

What I am positively REVELING in is the lack of support from anybody in my family over this latest excursion.

Susie's all "as long as you're going to come back and make some serious cash, I'm all for it".

My dad says "That's all bullshit. There's no way hypnosis is real."

My sisters are all "You're going to be a hypnotist now? Fine. What're we doing for Thanksgiving this year?"

NOBODY THINKS I CAN DO THIS.

The hypnotist has already told me over the phone that if by the end of the first day of training I CANNOT hypnotize people, he'll give me my money back.

Apparently, anyone can learn to hypnotize people but not everyone can BE hypnotized.

So yeah ... I'm pumped.

A week from today I'll be graduating and will have a certificate saying I'm a certified hypnotist.

*squeal*

Then I'll come to YOUR town and hypnotize YOU!

And and and I'll get you to take your clothes off and stuff!!

Wow!!

Aren't you excited too now?!?

Hey.

Don't tell anybody.

But last week I was reading on the web about this new Tickle Me Elmo doll that's supposed to be the end all be all of Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

They said if you didn't get one today, you'd be SOL for the Christmas season.

That day, apparently every single store in the free world sold out of the dolls because people believed in the hype.

Now you can no longer get a doll for regular price ... you have to go to Ebay and pay anywhere from $120 to $300 for one.

*cough*

I bought three of them the day they came out from Toys R Us.

And here's the really really crazy part.

I'm selling one of them to my neighbor.

Andrew has zero interest in any of them.

I've asked around and nobody with small kids wants 'em.

Sooooo ... I'm donating them to charity.

I dunno about your town, but every Christmas season, SOMEBODY'S house burns down around here due to space heaters being put too close to lighter fluid or something.

And you always have a single mother with four kids being put out on the street who needs help.

THAT'S who is getting these Elmo dolls.

I know it's not much. And if I could, I'd buy 'em a new house.

But for some kid who is now without a home, hopefully a hysterically laughing Elmo doll may ease the pain.

Then again, they could think the Elmo doll is mocking them for being homeless.

Crap.

Maybe I'd better rethink this gesture.

They're racking their brains trying to think of ANYTHING to bring customers in on Tuesday nights.

I don't normally work Tuesday nights but they said they'd pay me full price to work from 6-8 p.m. and read out trivia questions and crown a winner in the contest.

Sure. Sounds like easy money to moi.

Showed up at 6.

Just the bartender in the building.

Sat at the bar and talked to her.

6:30, we turned the channel over to Wheel of Fortune.

7:00 we watched "Heroes" but talked through most of it so I can't give you a review other than it looked like there was some sort of internet porn going on which made it hard to focus on listening to the bartender bitch about not having any customers.

7:30 a customer walked in.

I asked him if he was there for TV Trivia Night and he said no ... he had stopped for gas across the street and thought he'd come in and get a beer.

I said if he wanted to play TV Trivia, there was a good chance he could win $100.

He said he didn't watch TV.

I said "Name at least one person who anchored the CBS Evening News".

He said "Walter Cronkite".

I said "Congratulations. You just won $100" and told the bartender to give him the check.

She filled out the check, the guy pocketed it and I came home.

I don't think TV Trivia Night is the answer to their Tuesday night woes.