I AM SUCH A SERIOUS DWEEB

It may actually behoove me to update this bitch every now and then.

Hats off to Halo Askew who apparently slapped some Lincolns down on the counter and purchased me a gold membership for me to keep this thang looking all pretty and shit.

And keeping the Comments section open so you cats can fight over who's "first".

Thank you Halo for making all of my dreams come true except for the one where I wake up with a monster penis.

Not a "monster" penis like a penis Frankenstein would have.

I meant an extra-large loaf of bread type penis.

Can you imagine what Frankenstein's penis must have looked like?

All stitched up and bruised and shit.

I wonder if Dr. Frankenstein really took any time to work on the cock?

Did it have bolts on either side of it?

I must see a photo of Frankenstein's penis.

I understand that he was a fictional character, but at this point, it is an insatiable urge that I get a glimpse of a monster's penis.

And I'm not even gay.

At least I wasn't the last time I checked.

So we did this Bridal Show the other day.

("We" being my wife and I).

I have been nervous about this gig for months now since it would be my first one, it was a big one and I knew I had to make a good impression and the better impression I made, the more weddings, the more money I'd make this year.

We bantered back and forth for months over what kinds of promotional items we should hand out.

We decided to do a newsletter rather than a brochure. The newsletter was four pages long ... Page one had a story about why brides should hire us ... Page two had tips on how to hire a DJ and statistics on why you should spend good money on a DJ ... Page three was testimonials and Page four was a bio on me and my DJ partner who shall remain nameless but you've heard his name before (HINT: It's not Fatboy Slim).

And I decided to record a CD of me talking and telling about the business and what exactly I do.

I had the CD professionally recorded, packaged and even had it shrink wrapped so it looked like it could be sold in stores which it could if stores really wanted to sell boring CDs made by pompous blowhards talking about their business for 32 minutes.

I also brought a 32" TV that would constantly be showing a number of events that I had DJ'ed. The bulk of the footage was full dance floors, people having great times.

I was still nervous that wasn't enough.

So I bought 10 bags of Dove Chocolates to hand out to brides.

Susie bought a new outfit, a pants suit that matched my tux.

And new tablecloths.

And a big eight foot long banner of my company's name and logo.

And we decided to register brides to win a $250 gift certificate from my business.

And I was STILL nervous that wouldn't be enough.

So guess what?

WE. KICKED. ASS.

People were swarming our booth watching the video, eating candy, signing up to win the certificates, checking out the CDs, reading the newsletter ... we were blown away.

I met the other DJs participating and they were ... very nice guys.

One was slouched in his chair behind the table handing out $50 coupons toward his service.

The other wasn't even talking to the brides. He was too busy fiddling with his laptop computer to talk to them.

We moved our table out of the way and stood the entire six hours, pulling every bride we saw over to our booth to sign up and get some candy and tell them about our business.

Since then, I have booked 22 parties.

That was Sunday.

I also raised my rates by 50% before all this.

The second week of January isn't even complete yet and I've booked almost as much as I made all of last year.

Here's the dealio ... I'm TIRED of DJ'ing.

But I love, love, love the marketing aspect of it.

That's the new thrill for me ... getting a prospect and selling them on my services.

I still do a decent enough job on the DJ'ing.

But I'm loving the actual chase and sale of the business.

Whatever that means.

I've never admitted the following tidbit here.

I'm a member of several forums online.

DJ forums, hypnosis forums, stuff like that.

I'm pretty much a lurker. I like to read but rarely have anything to add to the conversations.

But when I DO find something to chime in on ... I'm treated like a pariah.

It doesn't matter which forum ... if a conversation's going on and I add my two cents ... that thread dies with my comment.

IT NEVER FAILS.

So I have begun to refer to myself as Theodore Threadkiller.

Only in my head. I've never even typed or said those words out loud.

In fact, for the longest time, I just referred to myself as The Threadkiller.

It sounded kind of cool in my head.

I just added Theodore because I felt it was time I had a first name as a professional thread killer.

Anyway, I get the impression that people are sitting at their computers, typing about the best songs to play when a bride and groom make their grand entrance into a wedding reception and then they see my name pop up in the thread and they get a sick feeling in their stomach and on their face.

And I'm okay with that.

It's a bit frustrating at times. I just want to chip in with my thoughts.

But for some reason, people just see what I write and say "Ooooookay ... let's move on."

I'm like the gross slob at a black tie party with fish sticks stuck in his teeth and an opinion on everything.

Ain't that some shit?

The answer is a resounding "no".

God.

This weekend, starting today, I have a full blown actual honest-to-God weekend.

No club dates.

No wedding gigs.

Nothing.

I'm meeting with a bride and groom for lunch tomorrow to sell them on my business and get 'em to sign a contract.

But other than that, my nights are FREEEEEE!!!

I'm so excited ... I have not had a complete weekend off (except for holiday weekends) for over three years.

I leave work today about 3 p.m.

And do NOTHING work-related until 8 am on Monday.

I'm fucking giddy about it.

I'm now putting a few box sets on there ... Bruce Springsteen's "Tracks" and Lou Reed's Anthology.

I've got ... lemme see ... 4,125 songs on it right now.

It's about a fifth full.

And I use it a whole lot more than I thought I would.

At my desk at work ... my co-workers have come to grips with the fact that I ain't takin' these plugs outta my ears for no reason.

I'm a jammin' fool at work, baby.

Lovin' the new iPod.

I told you about that, didn't I?

Yeah??

So anyhow ... did his wedding last Saturday.

I told my wife he'd better stay away from me all night.

And he did.

At the end of the night, I hunted him down for my check and he made me wait 20 minutes for it while he talked to some guy and smoked cigarettes out by the truck.

But then he gave it to me and said I did a great job.

Thanks, asshole.

Actually not.

He wasn't that bad.

Just strange.

And scary.

And mean.

Alright.

He was an asshole.

Who am I kidding??