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1:22 p.m. - 2007-02-01

A DAY IN THE LIFE

I'm at work and I'm so bored.

You see ... at my job, every month the first two weeks are slow slow slow which is good. It means you come in to the office and do absolutely nothing for two weeks straight.

That's alright for the first two hours of the day.

But by that point, you've checked out every single website that you care to check out and you do your second round of checking them out in case they've been updated since you checked them out two hours ago.

And they haven't.

So then you try to think of something to Google.

And you spend about an hour playing "International Google Spy" ... trying to track down any and all information about your high school sweetheart. And the only thing you can find is that they ran in a marathon in 1997 and came in 856th.

So you get up and go to the Office Refrigerator to get a bottle of water and you have to hold your breath when you open it because there's one guy in the building who always goes out to eat, never finishes his meal, ALWAYS gets the remainder of his lunch in a styrofoam container and then lets the containers just build up inside the refrigerator until you have a vicious medley of moldy stank pouring out of the refrigerator and you want to say something to the guy but he's old and dying and you feel sorry for him because he has no appetite anymore and that's why the half-eaten broccoli casseroles are now covered in a layer of gooey filth but C'MON DUDE!! DON'T GO OUT EVERY DAY FOR LUNCH AND BRING THIS SHIT BACK HERE TO JUST MILDEW!

Then you sit back down at your desk with your bottle of smelly water and put the iPod on Shuffle but the only shit that keeps coming up are artists you don't want to hear like Beyonce and Harry Connick. And for some ungodly reason, while it seemed like a cool idea at the time to put all of your Talking Heads CDs into your iPod, the iPod God has some sort of sick sense of humor and rotates a different Talking Heads song every other song.

And it's 10:29 a.m.

So you say you're going to the Bank when in actuality you just have to go drive around for a while to wake yourself up and go drive by the Salvation Army to remind yourself just why the hell you stay at this job.

And it's 10:51 a.m.

And you make the bad bad bad bad bad decision to eat lunch a little early today! It'll be a "treat"! This way, you can eat lunch and by the time dinner comes around you'll be really hungry! Perfect!

So you heat up your BBQ shrimp and pasta in the microwave that's coated in three layers of filth and while you think "That'd be a good way to kill time ... clean the company microwave!" Uh-uh. They don't PAY you enough to risk hepatitis.

And you sit at your desk and you eat your BBQ Shrimp and Pasta and you finish it and you think "Yum! That was good!"

But here's the problem Skippy.

It's now 11:18 a.m.

And the little portion of your day that is normally considered the "hump" portion of your day has been moved up so incredibly far that the rest of the day is going to CRAWL past.

Plus, you got some BBQ shrimp juice on your sweater and didn't realize it until an hour later when a co-worker says "What stinks?"

And whilst you want to reply "That goddamned refrigerator" you quickly realize they're talking about that big buttery shrimpy stain on your sweater.

It smells like a dog wiped his ass on your sweater and then vomited BBQ shrimp on it.

So now you stink, you're nasty and you have nothing to do for another four and a half hours.

And your iPod has spat out "Burning Down The House" roughly 16 times in the last hour.

And you start to think "Shit, Martha. I may as well update my stupid diary to kill some time."

And you do.

And the gal next to you says "You shouldn't start so many sentences with 'And'."

And you realize that she's been reading your little diatribe about the slow day at work.

And you think ... I'd better find something better to do.

So you go and clean the microwave.

Now.

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