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5:49 a.m. - 2007-02-26

THE STORY THEY'LL BE TELLING FOR YEARS

Alright, I know a lot of stuff I write about here is sometimes exaggerated for your amusement.

The following story contains no exaggerations. What I say happened did indeed happen.

And believe me when I tell you ... it was a fucking trip.


So I'm hired to do a wedding reception for a young couple.

I'm a disc jockey, by the way ... for those of you just joining us from the Oscars.

By the way, last night's Oscars ... was I the only one watching and hoping someone would open up one of those envelopes and say "And the Oscar goes to ... who really gives a shit?"

Because I watched for two and a half hours and the only two awards I gave a shit about were Supporting Actor and Actress in those two and a half hours.

Who gives a shit about art direction, sound editing, sound mixing, cinematogrophy (sp? ahhhh ... who give s a shit), costume design, etc.?

There's five awards normal people care about ... six if you count "Best Director".

Get on with it, people.

America doesn't give a shit.

So anyway ... where was I?

Ah ... the wedding.

The reception is supposed to start at 3:30 and it's being held in the ballroom of one of the local Air Force bases.

I get there, meet the wedding director and fall madly in like with her. She is hilarious and full of wedding professional scoops and gossip.

She confirmed that one of the recent weddings I did ... the groom is as gay as gay can be.

The only reason he got married was because he's a budding florist (pun intended) and he wanted to showcase his talents with floral design. But since nobody was hiring him, he married his ....ummmm ... would anybody be offended if I called her his ... oh. I'll just call her his "beard". He married his beard, his lover was his best man, the floral designs looked like shit and the last she (the wedding director) heard, he was going out of business because he's horrible to work with and is not flexible at all with his clients.

So anyway ... that was that wedding ... this is this wedding.

Supposed to start at 3:30 with the bride and groom arriving at 4:15.

Got it?

I don't want to have to explain it again.

At 3:30, guests start coming in.

All six of them.

The banquet manager was told to cook enough food for 200 people.

One of the six people said that only about 60 people showed up at the wedding and most of them said they weren't coming to the reception (a 25 mile drive).

Eventually by 4:15, we had about 40 people there.

If everyone could just eat five plates of food, we were good to go.

The wedding director comes up to me at 4:15.

"The bride and groom are here and ready for their grand entrance," she says. "But we're waiting on the photographer to get here so they can have photos of their grand entrance. I'll let you know when he gets here."

Fine.

They've got me until 8:30.

We've got plenty of time.

It's now 4:30.

No photographer.

People are getting restless. They've already eaten their food and it's looking like they're ready to get this party on so they can sneak out when the Bride and Groom aren't looking ... but the bride and groom are blocking the door out, waiting to be announced so they can come into the room.

The limo driver comes up with at least one great idea.

He offers to take all the kids for a ride in the limo around the base to keep them busy.

So all the kids take off with the limo driver.

At 4:45, the photographer finally shows up and DOESN'T SAY A WORD TO ANYONE.

The wedding director asks him what took so long and he just glares at her.

So we're ready for the grand entrance.

The wedding director starts shooing everyone back into the ballroom with the exception of the photographer, bride and groom.

Apparently she shooed Grandma too hard.

Grandma took quite a nasty tumble down a set of five stairs that she didn't see coming.

Paramedics and ambulances were called because Grandma was so old she finger-painted with Jesus.

It was now 5:15 as the paramedics put Grandma's lifeless body on a stretcher.

The instant prognosis was that one of her arms was broken and at least one rib was cracked if not broken.

The bride and groom decide they can finally make their Grand Entrance while the grandmother's shoved in the ambulance.

So they come in, immediately go into their first dance and I notice that people are all running around sorta frantic about something.

Oh.

That's right.

There's no kids in the room.

The short little five-minute drive with the total stranger in the limo has now stretched into 50 minutes.

One mother in particular was near tears.

As soon as the couple finishes their dance, several mothers converge on them wondering where the hell their kids are.

Nobody has each others' cell phones. The bride and groom don't even have their phones. They're calling the Limo Service HQ but getting nothing but an answering machine.

Finally, one of the dads jumps in his car and takes off to try and track down the limo driver.

Ten minutes later, he calls and he's found the limo.

The guy broke down on the side of the road and a Good Samaritan/Mechanic was trying to help him get the limo started.

They get it cranked up again and the limo driver brings all the kids back safe and sound at 6:00.

Nothing seems to be going right at this point. The wedding director and I are trying to keep our shit together as we're standing there on the stage saying "Can you BELIEVE the bad luck they're having?" and "Have you ever seen anything like this?"

Then, we notice a commotion at the other end of the ballroom. People are running out of the ballroom to get outside.

I stay there, entertaining the 10-12 people in walkers who can't make the effort to see what all the fuss was about.

The wedding director walks back to me onstage.

"You are never going to believe this," she says.

"Oh God. What?"

"Now the limo is on fire."

There was an electrical short that caused the engine to catch fire.

Once the fire department got there and got the blaze controlled, the limo was totaled.

I saw it and the hood has pretty much melted while the windshield was charred black.

This was about 6:20.

Some of us start filing inside where I calmly explained to the shut-ins that we had a little fire outside, everything was okay, we were all safe, but somebody was going to have to give the bride and groom a ride to the airport for their honeymoon.

At 6:30, there were maybe 15 people left in the place.

They were smart enough to figure out that this wedding was cursed and if they stayed around much longer the roof was going to cave in on us all and kill us.

The groom ... a great guy by the way ... this is a great nice couple we're talking about ... came up to me and said in the most exhausted voice I've ever heard "Let's just wrap it up."

"Are you sure?" I asked, looking out at the people walking out the exit.

"Yeah," he said. "I can't take much more of this."

I explained to him that on my wedding day I had a wreck on the way to the church. It tore up my car pretty good, but eventually we laughed about it and we've been married 20 years now, so a little bad luck on your wedding day isn't necessarily a bad omen of things to come.

"So don't look at it that way," I finished.

"How the hell am I SUPPOSED to look at it?" he laughed.


Anyway, after talking it over with family and friends, I'm going to give them a free "do-over".

Basically, if they ever wanna throw a party and need a DJ, I'm there for free.

Like I said, they're a good couple and there was no way they could enjoy the most special day of their lives.

It's the least I could do.

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