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5:47 a.m. - 2007-04-12

ILLINOIS (WITH A SILENT "S")

I guess I should update here, huh?

So I went to Illinois last week, home of the corn fields and the cows, and I noticed a disturbing trend that's coming out of the midwest.

That trend being ... bitter fucking cold weather.

We buried Mom's ashes on Friday and while I've been alerted that it was cold across the entire North American continent, I do think rural Illinois was just a weeeeee bit colder than everywhere else.

At 11 a.m., the time of her funeral ... it was 22 degrees with a wind chill of 4.

Holy buhfuckingmackrel it was cold.

My sisters and I huddled close together with various cousins, shivering like nudists in Antarctica.

And ... in Illinois, it's basically a lot of flat land. So when the wind comes sweeping down the plain there ... it does so with a vengeance.

At one point, the minister said something about how Mom was controlling the wind on this day which made us snicker because ... while my Mom was a loving mother, she was also a mean-spirited mother full of piss and vinegar. So we kinda took the winds as a sign saying "Get inside you stupid dumbasses" from Mom.

So yeah.

That was nuts, man.

To those of you from Illinois and the midwest (if in fact, anyone is even reading this malarkey anymore) ... man ... global warming has really fucked up your lives, huh?

Sorry about that.

I'll switch from aerosol deodorant to stick deodorant for ya, if that helps any.


I did discover that there is one job out there that I would absolutely hate to have.

And that is ... the life of a stewardess.

Flying up to Illinois, I noticed something.

The stewardess is up front, trying to show everybody how to use their seat belt by demonstrating with a loose seatbelt that she holds up for everyone to see.

Except NOBODY watches her do it anymore.

Even though we're all TOLD to watch her, airline passengers these days just sit and keep reading magazines or try to catch a nap or do ANYTHING to not watch the woman as she shows us all how to use a seat belt.

Sure, we already know how to do this. Most of us have seat belts in our jalopies at home and are well versed in the art of buckling these contraptions.

The plane's seat belts are no different.

However ... a small portion of our airline ticket goes to this very act of showing us how to buckle ourselves in to our seat.

Let's say you've paid $400 for a plane ticket like I did.

Surely, about 1% of that cost goes toward the stewardess' salary as she debriefs us on how to save our own lives aboard a plane.

That's four bucks, senor.

I don't just toss four bucks away without getting some thrill out of it.

So I watch these stewardesses INTENTLY.

I make up for all the passengers who are too fucking cool to watch the seat belt demo.

I'm all "Wait! Wait! Are you saying we take the flat end of the seatbelt and stick it into this silver metal box-like thing on the other strap, secure it and then pull it? Is that how it's done? Can you show us how to do it again? I just don't think I fully grasped the concept during that last demonstration."

Same with the whole "Your seat is also a flotation device in case the pilot really fucks up and takes the plane the wrong way and we wind up over the ocean and the plane happens to break apart like in 'Lost'."

NOBODY listens to this shit.

Or the Oxygen masks magically falling from the ceiling in case the plane starts making a nose dive toward planet Earth.

And the stewardess says (and I quote here) "If you're sitting next to somebody that needs help with their oxygen mask, secure your mask first and then help them with theirs."

I'm sorry.

If you seat me next to some kid with polio whose arms can't reach his oxygen mask because he's got metal canes strapped to them and he's fumbling like a blind man using numchucks for the first time and we're hurtling towards the ground???

Homeboy's on his own, chief.

I've got an oxygen mask strapped to my face and I'm COMPLETELY ignoring Polio Boy while copping one last feel on the stewardess before I kiss the dirt at speeds upward of 10,000 mph.

Sorry kid.

Stewardess titties first.

Heroism second.

THAT'S how U.B. rolls.

Ya should've taken a bus, Franklin Delanor Roosevelt.


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