OHHHH ... I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY WHO TOLERATES ME

Jihad!!

(Which is my new way of saying "God!" as in taking the Lord's name in vain. Which isn't something I normally do on a regular basis, unless I'm pleading with God to damn something that I don't want around like "God ... Damn that idiot driver in front of me ... please?")

Jihad, what a crazy weekend!!

Wanna recap?

Of course you want a recap! If you didn't want a recap, you would have just stopped reading after the first time I wrote the word "recap" and you would have been skipping merrily to nakedmidgetsinclownmakeup.com by now.

THURSDAY

Had a sorority Karaoke party.

Girls started showing up and I'm handing out Karaoke books and saying things like "Who's singing first? Who's it going to be? Will it beeeeee ... YOU?!?" and pointing at chicks.

They'd give me that patented sorority girl disgusted glare that looked like they just drank something from a sewer mixed with tequila. A Sewerita or something.

The party was from 7-10 p.m.

What I forgot was ... sorority girls need to get their drink on before they do Karaoke.

What I didn't know was ... you're going to be hard pressed to find ANY drunken sorority girl that can sing worth a shit in Alabama.

Holy shit ... these girls sang like cows having their udders sawed off with a rusty chainsaw.

The damndest thing was ... they kept wanting to sing more.

And at one point ... I've got to admit, I felt bad about this (only because one of the girls MADE me feel bad) ... three girls had just finished singing "Love Shack".

I wasn't really paying attention to what I was saying as I was trying to cue up another song at the time and I said "Welllll ... THAT was painful."

The sorority girls all gasped collectively.

Some even clutched their pearls for dramatic effect.

I then realized what I had said out loud and over the microphone which was amplified through the speakers and did my patented line that I always use in situations like this.

"Just kidding!"

But it was too late. The chicks already knew I wasn't kidding. And one of the girls (who apparently was singing the Fred Schneider part of the song) came up to me on her way to the bathroom and let me know that "wasn't very nice" what I said about their singing.

I assured her that's a tough song to sing without a male involved. Which really makes no sense whatsoever, but since this gal was clearly four sheets to the wind, she bought it and accepted my apology.

After that it was a pretty non-eventful party other than the fact that a couple of sisters decided they were drunk enough to run around and yank their sisters' dresses up and take pictures of their naked asses while the girls stood in front of me.

Then it turned into a free-for-all with exposing each other's breasts.

Yeah.

A classy time was had by all.

Friday I did a prom for a small private school.

There were less than 30 people there and about 20 of them were parents.

I had asked for a list of songs that the students would provide me so that I had an idea of what to play.

One girl gave me a list of five current hits to play.

And then I got THE LIST.

THE LIST was compiled by the gym teacher who was in her early 80s.

The gym teacher wasn't really all that hip to today's music and THE LIST reflected that.

There was two freaking single-spaced pages of songs from the 1940s and 50s.

Y'see ... the gym teacher fancies herself as a ballroom dancer as well.

And every time I ventured from THE LIST to play actual requests from the kids (requests that I'd normally play at a prom), the gym teacher was immediately in my face.

"You know what the kids REALLY want to hear?" she'd say.

"What?" I'd say, faking the world's fakest smile.

"Yakety Yak Don't talk Back", she'd say. "They will LOVE it!"

A few points probably should have been made here.

"Yakety Yak" was released before these kids' PARENTS were born.

These kids are in their late teens ... they're not four years old.

But ... in a moment of intense insanity, I decided that maybe the Gym Teacher knew something I didn't.

"Yakety Yak" started coming from the speakers.

The kids got up, left the room and went out into the hallway.

The gym teacher glowed as she and her husband took to the dance floor to do some bizarre mating ritual for antelopes, hopping all around the room with their hands clutching their kneecaps.

I followed that up with Fergie who, for you old fogies that read this crap, is a pretty hot artist right now.

The kids wafted back into the room and started dancing.

Gym Teacher was LIVID.

"This isn't on THE LIST" she cried.

"It was a special request," I lied.

"Who requested it?" she demanded.

I had to do it.

I motioned her to join me behind the table and speakers where she could hear me clearly.

"This prom is for the kids," I said. "I know you like to dance to the oldies and I can appreciate that. But we went through this same scenario last year and you protested me playing any song that came after 1966. I'd be happy to play a private party for you anytime with you and your friends and we'll cha-cha our fucking asses off (okay ... I changed that to "cha-cha all night long" but still) but you have to let me play the stuff the kids want to hear at their prom."

The lady stood there for a moment.

"How about we compromise," she said "And you play some Temptations?"

Because ... as we all know, the Temptations are still touring today.

Sure, it's only the cousin of one of the Original Temptations, and he just sits on the side of the stage at most of the shows and waves his cane as he's drooling on his tux shirt while three guys who grew up listening to their grandmother play The Temptations do those 1-2 steps that they used to watch Grandma do while she baked them sugar cookies on Sunday afternoon as she sang "I've got sunshiiiiiine on a cloudy dayyyyyy".

But still ... the Temptations are HIP!!!

In my eyes, this lady ruined the prom for the kids because she was the loudest and most vocal and she was the one paying me.

But how much you wanna bet I'll be conveniently booked next year and won't be able to do their prom?

The wedding was an outdoor wedding that was 30 minutes late and that pissed the guests off who had to sit in the hot sun and wait for the bride to get her hair "just right" which led to the guests all making a VERY early exit during the reception except for one older woman who missed a step on the patio and landed forehead first on the concrete which ... you wouldn't think old people would have THAT much blood in them, but guess what? They've got more blood than you think and she spilled an awful lot all over the place. I heard it took 12 stitches to close the wound.

The party ended about an hour early because ... even though I warned them about this ahead of time ... nobody danced because it was in the low 80s here, there was no shade and people just genuinely try not to get all sweaty in their nicest clothes just because an arrogant bride demands it.

Saturday night was another prom and it was the best show I've done all year.

My God ... these kids walked in the room, walked straight to the dance floor and never stopped for three hours.

It didn't matter what I played, these kids screamed like crazy every time the opening chords of the song started.

That gig made up for the first three.

Alright already ... go find something else to do now.

I'm through with you.