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5:39 a.m. - 2007-06-11

MY WIFE'S PICTURE IS HANGING UP AT HOME DEPOT


Not sure if I told you ... probably didn't. I really don't remember anymore and even worse ... don't give two shits to check into it ... but we purchased a swing set for Andrew a couple of weekends ago and put it together last weekend with the help of Susie's brother.

Actually, he put the whole thing together. I stood around looking helpless and occasionally handed him a wrench. Or hammer. Not both ... I just can't tell the difference between the two tools.

Anyway, we did that last weekend.

The next day, Susie wanted new patio furniture because our old patio furniture was ... and I quote ... "old".

So we go to our local home improvement store and there's this thing called a Double Chaise Lounge.

Looks like this.

WE both sit in it, love it, want to sleep in it, I go to buy it.

Go up to the Service Department at this Depot for a Home and I say "I want a double chaise lounge thing. But not just ANY double chaise lounge thing ... I want the one already assembled in the parking lot. Because I am an imbecile who doesn't know the difference between a hammer and a wrench and if you try to give me one in a box, I may smile and say thank you but when I get home and try to put it together, we will just have a mangled mass of steel with a couple of cushions on top. Therefore, I'll take the one I just sat in please. It was very comfortable."

The girl says "Sure" and starts to ring me up.

Her co-worker was skeptical though.

"You only s'poed to sell dat when dey ain't no udder boxes in stock," she said.

We both looked at her in bewilderment, amazed that she could speak with so many marbles in her mouth.

"I don't want to put it together myself," I smiled. "I want that one."

"You cain't hab dat one," she said. "Sto' rules."

"Look," I smiled again. "In all honesty, I'm the idiot here. I'm willing to pay full price for a product that you've had sitting outside in a hot parking lot for several months that everyone and their mother has sat on. I'm an idiot. I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Take advantage of my stupidity and sell me an old chair over a new chair."

(I did my research. All of the reviews of this product said it was a bitch to put it together.)

She got on the phone to call the manager.

In the meantime, the original girl helping me KNEW she could sell me one off the lot and was ringing me up.

A male employee walked up and Mushmouth hung the phone up.

"Tell this foo' we cain't sell no chairs out da parking lot," she told the male employee.

"We can do that," he said. "As long as it's the last one in stock."

"We can sell him THAT one," said the original girl firmly.

Okay.

I know I've made my wife sound like a Nazi in this diary at times.

But she really is a very nice person in real life.

Practically a saint.

And there have been times over the past 20 years when she's seen me act like an idiot in situations like this. I tend to lose my temper with morons who don't have a clue as to what's going on and my "assy" side slips out.

She's seen me lose it at a McDonald's, help myself behind the counter and take what I had waited 20 minutes in line for (an orange juice, but still) while the manager kept saying "You cain't come back here, you cain't come back here."

This was NOT one of those times.

Nope.

This was one of those times where my wife decided SHE was going to be the one to take charge.

"THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!" she blurted out loudly.

I turned to look at her and I KNOW my facial expression could have been easily interpreted as "What the fuck?!?"

Stevie Wonder could have seen it.

"THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT," she said even louder. "YOU GO GET THE MANAGER RIGHT NOW AND LET HIM KNOW THAT WE WANT THAT CHAIR OR WE'RE WALKING OUT OF HERE WITH OUR CASH AND GOING TO GO SPEND IT ELSEWHERE!"

Certain situations demand this type of behavior.

Sadly, this was NOT one of those situations. In fact, the girl was seconds away from hitting the Final Sale button and we were 20 seconds away from loading the chair into the van.

Everyone just stopped and stared at my wife.

We shop at this Depot at least once a week.

I didn't know what to say.

Finally I said it.

"I don't know what came over her," I said quietly. "She's not usually like this."

"OH," Susie said. "I'M EMBARRASSING YOUR FATHER, ANDREW. COME ON, WE'D BETTER GO OUTSIDE."

"Yeah," I said gently. "That might be a good idea."

The girl rang me up, the male employee helped me load it in the van and we went home in silence.

Finally I said "What was that about?"

And she said "Customer service. You threaten to bring the manager into the situation and everyone shapes up."

"Yeah but ... the girl was ringing us up. The other girl was just being all Chicken Little."

"I'm tired and hungry," she said. "And I was tired of waiting for them to decide who was right and who was wrong."

"We were in there for like ... two minutes ... "

"I'M HUNGRY."

Went home, put the lounge chair in the backyard facing the swing, grilled my wife a ribeye, got her fed and she slept on the lounge chair Saturday night.



Yesterday I woke up and started doing yard work.

I couldn't get something out of my mind.

As much as I loved that lounge chair, I also loved a swing we sat in.

Here ya go.

My neighbor was outside. My neighbor has a truck. When you have a truck, you have certain obligations to your neighbors and that is ... if they ask you to come get something that requires the use of your truck, you must drop everything and help them get it.

That's one reason I've never wanted a truck. I'd be constantly having to say "I ain't your slave, bitch" to my neighbors.

"Hey neighbor," I said. "You think your truck's big enough to hold a big assed swing in the back of it."

"Sure," he said.

"Let's go to the Depot of Home," I said. "I need a big assed swing."

We get there and he thought I meant a swing for Andrew's swing set.

HA! FOOL!!

Alas, I did not. I meant a big assed NICE swing.

Susie was mildly shocked when she came home from church and saw the swing in our front yard.

Shocked because the Depot people would still do business with me now that I'm known as the bitch's little bitch.

We sat outside on it last night and I get the feeling that the lounge chair may be a thing of the past.

I'm a swinging guy now.

Susie can sleep on the lounge chair thing.

I don't mind.

A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF PARIS VIA QUOTES

SUNDAY: "I'm scared, but I'm ready to do my time and pay my debt to society."

MONDAY: "Where's my cell phone? Have you guys seen my cell phone? And could I get some hamburgers in here like ... pronto?"

TUESDAY: "Look guys. This isn't funny anymore. I need my cell phone. And some vodka. And for Christ's sake ... I said I was cold like ten minutes ago ... gimme some blankets."

WEDNESDAY: "I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I WANT..."

THURSDAY: "I'd just like to thank the Sheriff's Department for their fair treatment and I'm ready to start serving the rest of my sentence here in my mansion."

FRIDAY: "Mom! Mom! It's not fair! MOMMMMYYYYYY!!!"

SATURDAY: "Could I get another blanket please?"

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