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6:07 a.m. - 2007-06-28

THE MAYONNAISE

I'm still alive.

Just ... I've had a houseful of in-laws for more time than I cared to have.

Here's a few highlights for ya.

That new swing we bought for the backyard??

Yeah??

The paperwork said it would hold up to 500 lbs.

Yeah??


Well ... guess whose sister-in-law must be tipping the scales at over 500 lbs now??

Uh-huh.

There's a HORRIBLE squeak to the swing now ever since a certain someone sat in it and rocked like a little kid for about 30 minutes.

Susie's furious.

"I KNEW we should have hid the swing," she said last night as she sat on it, swang and it screeched the screech of the dead.

She's seriously thinking about calling her sister and telling her they can come get this swing and buy her a new one because she can't relax with a screech to it.

We used WD-40 ALL OVER the swing but we can't find the squeak.

Anyway, she's pissed.

And her sister's so big that morbidly obese people look at her with pity.



On Sunday, I was cooking several slabs of my world-famous ribs as Susie cooked pasta salad in the kitchen and her sister was on all fours eating crumbs off the kitchen floor.

Susie opened the refrigerator to get some mayonnaise.

While I'd love to draw this out into a huge mystery, I can't. There was NO mayonnaise in the refrigerator.

So Susie's sister's husband Bob offered to go to the store because he was sick of the 17 sloths taking up all the room in every room of our house and needed to set himself free even if it was for a quick trip to the grocery store.

I cursed Bob under my breath because it just wasn't fair. I was being subjected to corny jokes and loud conversations about recycling for hours on end too. As man of the house, I should have gotten to go.

Well ... here's where it got strange.

Bob went to lay down in the guest bedroom and passed out rather than going to get mayonnaise.

And Susie's mom ... who, bless her heart ... she's getting old and kinda senile ... said "I wish I'd known you needed mayonnaise ... I've got plenty at home".

(That's another story for another time, but apparently she has a friend who cleans out warehouses for a living and is told to "get rid" of the stuff they find and he brings her CASES of spoiled condiments on a regular basis which she uses because "Mustard doesn't go bad" even if it expired last century.)

So Susie says "Well Mom, I thought we had some. Bob's going to go get some. We're good."

Five minutes later.

"I wish I'd known you were out of mayonnaise. I've got plenty at home."

"I know Mom. I thought we had some. Bob's going to the store and we'll have some as soon as he gets up from his nap."

Five minutes later.

"I wish I'd known you were out of ..."

...And Susie

Fucking

Snapped.

"I KNOW MOTHER!!! WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS!!! IT'S NO BIG DEAL!!! THE PASTA IS IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND WHEN BOB GETS UP AND GOES TO THE STORE HE WILL GET SOME GODDAMMNED MAYONNAISE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE PEACHY FUCKING KEEN!!!"

I was walking into the kitchen when this happened and didn't hear any of the previous conversation (Susie told me the story later).

I've gotta say ... my wife doesn't curse much.

She curses even less when there's family and children around.

I think the fact that we had 14 guests who had set up camp at our house and eaten us out of house and home, took over our televisions, beds, toilets and computers and drank every last goddamned Diet Dr. Pepper in the house was just a wee bit too much for my wife.

Little did I know, she had a problem solver.

A little thing called her Xanax stash.

We both went to the master bathroom, she opened a drawer and there ... shining like it held the Holy Grail itself ... a prescription for Xanax that I didn't even know about.

We both popped two big assed pills apiece.

After that we didn't care if we had mayonnaise.

We didn't care that our swing's squeak was disturbing people in Mississippi and Florida depending on the changes in wind shift.

We didn't care about anything really.

THAT'S how you deal with in-laws buddy.

Prescription drugs.


One thing ... my 16 year-old nephew ... he's getting rather feminine lately.

He's always been a great pianist. Bob says he has a "little Liberace" in him which made his parents proud, but Bob and I got it.

Now the kid is taking up knitting.

He's knitting an afghan.

So while the other kids are throwing a football or playing video games, he sits there, occasionally peering over his glasses at them while he knits one and pearls two.

On Tuesday night, he was trying to get everyone to switch the TV over so he could watch the Lifetime Channel.

We tried to explain that the Lifetime Channel is a channel for women and he said it couldn't be because he loves the programming on the channel.

I told Susie that he's never allowed to babysit Andrew alone again.

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