HAPPY FINGER IN THE BUTT DAY!

At my advancing age, doctors say I should have an annual check-up approximately 15 times a year.

Why so much?

Because doctors LOVE. MY. BUTT.

It doesn't matter which doctor I go to, he's all over my butt like a billionaire on a dangerous hot air balloon ride.

Went to get my eyes checked a few months ago ... the eye doctor couldn't quit dry humping my butt.

That's my life, kiddies. Constantly defending the butt from doctors.

But today I'm going to have to let down those defenses and let the doctor go in the booty hole.

I cannot stress enough ... I do not like doctor's fingers in my ass.

And I know ... Lord, I know ... you ladies are all out there saying "Now you know how we feel getting prodded at the gynecologist, blah blah blah."

Shut the fuck up.

YOU LADIES live to have stuff shoved up inside of you.

That ... that ... that va-jay-jay of yours!

You find me one woman ... ONE SOLITARY WOMAN that has never spent at least one night home alone wishing there was someone there to jam something in her nether regions.

Even the lesbians among you ... with your 18" long dildos that you tie to a belt and make sweet sweet plastic love with ... you don't mind having stuff put inside of you!

(I've seen the videos online. Don't lie, lesbians!)

And gay guys ... God bless ya. You don't mind a finger or even a stray penis in your ass from time to time.

But me??

Mr. Straight Guy??

I can do without the finger in the butt.

I think that the absolute worst part of the finger in the butt is the moments AFTER the finger has been pulled out of your butt.

Don't get me wrong ... the finger in the butt isn't exactly Christmas morning. It's uncomfortable as you stand there with your hands gripping a table while the doctor has his cheek plastered against your ass cheek as he goes spelunking up your colon for kicks.

That ain't no walk in the park, Eloise.

But after he's pulled out the finger, backs up and hands you a tissue and then sits there on his stool, wiping whatever the hell he managed to yank out of your ass on a small piece of paper while you stand there and try to nonchalantly wipe off a quarter cup of lube off your bunghole with your pants around your ankles trying desperately to physically feel like you weren't just anally assaulted ... that's the worst part for me.

One time ... years and years and years ago, I went in for a routine check-up. I was probably in my late 20s.

I don't even remember what I said to the doctor. I probably said something like "Nice day outside" or "My ass is bleeding like a stuck pig". My memories ain't so good when it comes to having my ass violated.

Anyway ... the doc says "pull your pants down".

I do.

He adds "Underwear too, dumb ass".

I do.

And that was the first time I ever had a finger jammed up my ass and pressing on my prostate.

I was taken aback which was probably evident in the fact that I actually levitated off the ground for a good 12-15 seconds.

Afterwards, he handed me the tissue.

I didn't know what to do with the tissue.

So I wiped the tears away with it.

"Don't you want to ..." the doctor stuttered. "You know ... clean up?"

"That's okay," I sniffed as I pulled my pants back up. "I'll be fine."

I walked around with a lubed-up booty until I got to the nearest bathroom and then I locked myself into a stall and did that whole furious scrub thing on my butt ... trying to scrub the shame and guilt off my poor virgin ass.

I've got to say ... I'm not looking forward to today at 9:30.

I did take a nice long bath last night, giving my ass the special attention it needed ... nay ... deserved in order to prepare it for today.

I guess it'd be the equivalent of buying a kid a nice toy after he found out he had inoperable brain cancer.

I know the doctor's going to ride my ass (probably literally) for not coming in more often for my check-ups.

Sorry doc. I've been too busy trying to keep people out of my ass to come in and see you.

I'm REALLY only going because I've got other pills I need and he's not going to give them to me unless I get the check-up.

I am such a whore.

"Gimme a xanax."

"Let me put my finger in your butt first."

"Um. Okay."

Jesus.

At what exact point in my life did I lose every ounce of my dignity?