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5:59 a.m. - 2007-11-09

THE CHINESE ARE SOOOO HIP

So Andrew had his birthday on Sunday. I told you about it. The "Bee Movie" fiasco? Remember??

Yeah.

So anyway, his friends brought him all these presents that he still hasn't even opened because ... let's face it ... his friends' parents have no idea what Andrew's into so they just go to Walmart and grab the first thing they can find which is $12 or under because that seems to be the cut-off price for gifts for someone else's kids that you don't know these days.

One of the gifts was ... drumroll please ... Aqua Dots.

Maybe you've heard of them recently.

Seems they come from China and are coated with some date-rape drug that, when ingested, can lead to date-rape-drug-like-symptons.

You know ... hallucinations, not caring if some guy named Vinnie is currently cornholing you with all the grace of an angry gorilla and ... naturally ... death.

Or coma.

You can land in a coma too if you eat an Aqua Dot.

Almost forgot coma.

So anyway, that was the ONE gift that Andrew wanted to open and he did do so on Sunday night before the Chinese came forward and said "Hey ... you can play with those Aqua Dots all you want. Just don't eat 'em unless you wanna pass out for several days and have your ass pounded like a veal cutlet."

While he's playing with them, he does what any kid naturally does when presented with tiny objects half the size of their fingernails.

He licks the goddamned thing.

Susie's all "Do NOT put that in your mouth, Andrew!"

He smiles and doesn't.

This is BEFORE we knew of the Chinese people's evil plan to drug our nation of children and come over here and sex 'em up good and get 'em all pregnant and shit.

So like Wednesday we find out that they've been taken off the market.

And we as good parents left them on the dining room table because we're both too busy to throw them out yet.

Plus, my curiosity may get the better of me this weekend and I might wanna pop a few to see what kind of Chinese euphoria I can reach.

Anyway, last night we finally get around to writing thank you notes to all of the kids who came to his party.

"Dear Blah Blah, Thanks for the Blah Blah Blah. It was really nice of you and it will look even nicer in a prime location on one of our tables at our next yard sale. Thanks again, Andrew"

But how do you write a thank you note to someone's parent for inadvertently giving your child a box full of date rape drugs?

I took it upon myself to do just that.

"Dear Ian,

Tell your Mom thanks a fucking heap for the Aqua Dots. I've been selling these to greasy college kids all week and have made quite the small fortune. If you hear of an outbreak of dead sorority chicks in the next week, tell your Mom it's all her fault. Laters, Andrew"



"Dear Ian,

Thanks for the Aqua Dots. I'm blind now, you fuck. Maybe next year you can buy me a pack of Spongebob Squarepants Hypodermic Needles, you ignorant bastard. You better pray I don't see you at school or I'll jam so many Aqua Dots up your ass you'll have crack whores sucking your asshole clean for a fix. Bastard. Andrew"


"Dear Ian,

Thanks for the Aqua Dots. You can visit me in Room 3664 at the local hospital. If you get lost, it's in the Intensive Care wing. The doctors say I might make it 'til Sunday which would be great because I really want to see at least two more sunsets before I die from your stupid gift. Although, in all fairness, I must say those little dots ARE tasty. I've left you my new Nintendo in my will. Good knowing you, Andrew."


You know what I'm really fucking sick of these days???

These goddamned quasi-famous models on TV who are putting on fat suits and then running around in public to see what it feels like to be fat.

"Entertainment Tonight" had these two model twats from "Deal Or No Deal" on last night and had them go through hours of makeup and slid their slender bodies into fat suits and then turned them loose in New York City. Or wherever. Fuck me if I was paying attention.

Naturally, they're always grossed out by their appearance.

And then they show footage of them trying to maneuver their fake fat asses down a grocery aisle.

And then ONE OF THEM always has to sob and say how horrible it must be to be fat.

You know what, Deal or No Deal Nameless Fucking Model?

It IS a bitch being fat.

We don't get to walk up to people in bars and say "Wanna fuck me?" without peals of laughter being thrown in our direction.

Nobody wants to sit next to us on airplanes or buses or trains.

My back is in constant pain from lugging around the equivalent of a fourth grader around my waist.

I sweat every time I just HEAR the word "Summer".

BUT ... at least I'm not some whiny fake bitch on TV inadvertently pissing off almost half the people watching me by crying over the horrors of being overweight.

We get it ... you're happy being thin.

And we'd probably like being thin as well.

And I'm dragging my bloated carcass around my neighborhood every morning at 5 a.m. in order to get thin just like you.

And I know this is all my fault and had I been eating right and exercising all along it would have never come to this.

But I don't need your pity, bitch.

Deal?

Or no deal??

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