EVEN TOM CRUISES

Hola, mi Amigos!

Got back from the cruise about 24 hours ago and I cannot say enough about it ... cruises fucking RAWK anyway you look at it.

I could write in marathon sessions about how much we did and how much fun we had but I don't have a marathon lot of time to do so, so I'll just hit some bullet points here.

* I am now the proud champion of Classic Rock Trivia Night on the Mariner of the Seas for the week of January 27-February 3. I beat a team of 12 people ... me against 12 people ... to claim the title.

The winning song for me? "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple. The other 12 people couldn't think of the name of the band.

I CRUISED to victory on that one.

(Plus it got the old lady horny to see me victorious and I got some super special sex on that night).

I ate three small meals a day, and only had cookies twice in a week.

Still gained six pounds.

Goddamned Heinekens and fucking pina coladas.

That should be a Jimmy Buffett Song title.

We laid on a beautiful beach for a few hours and then walked around to explore the island.

We came upon a flea market and decided to walk in. Before we even got inside a guy took us by the hand to his booth where he sold "the best items in the flea market" according to him.

Handmade bracelets and cheap pottery.

He put two bracelets on Susie and gave her this huge piece of really crappy pottery.

I asked him how much for all this.

"Fifty dollar," he says.

"I have five dollars," I reply.

He takes the pottery out of her hands, removes all but one of the bracelets and snatches the five spot out of my hand.

"Good luck," he mutters.

BUT ... the fact that the other booth people saw that I pulled out some American dollars made them swarm around us like angry hornets.

They were all talking at the same time and literally pulling at our arms to go into their booths.

I've gotta say ... I was panicking. One guy saw my iPod in my shirt pocket and was staring at it hungrily.

Susie said "We've gotta get out of here."

I couldn't agree more.

"We've got to go back to the ship to get more money!" I announced. "You've got lots of good stuff here and we want to buy it all!"

Tell ya what ... Haitians will let you off the hook when you tell them you're coming back with fistfuls of cash.

I'm pretty sure they're still waiting for us.

I kept waiting for someone to offer me some ganja mon, but that was a problem, mon.

Everyone wanted to offer me a taxi ride instead, mon.

I turned them all down, mon. Me legs work fine, mon.

Then it started to rain, mon.

And all the taxi drivers got busy carrying others around, mon.

So we walk back to the ship in the rain, mon.

Who's the big stupid American Idiot now, mon?

Me, mon.

That's who, Mon.

Everything was either fine jewelry or expensive sunglasses.

Not much else to be gotten there.

We walked around for three hours and only bought a Diet Coke and a lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe.

But the Diet Coke was a major SCORE because we hadn't had caffeine in four days due to the ship charging $42 for a soft drink card.

If you want to drink soft drinks, it costs you $42 for the week.

We said no thank you.

By day four, we were desperate.

And on day seven we found out the gift shop downstairs on the ship sold bottled Diet Coke for $2 a pop.

I almost cried when I found that out. I went a week drinking 2 soft drinks when it was all right there from the beginning.

Yeah.

So anyway.

Cozumel, Mexico.

The best thing about Cozumel??

They have drug stores where you walk in and say things like "Hmmmm ... I could use some Xanax and some Somas and some Vicodin and some anything else that can fuck my shit up and I can turn around and resell in America for five dollars a pill."

And these pills are cheap.

I only bought Somas because my muscles needed relaxed (mon).

And they are mucho relaxed now.

Shit.

My muscles are on a vacation of their own now.

Tons more stuff to tell you which I'll probably do at some point because my life is totally dull now.

But if you ever thought about going on a cruise ... by God ... DO IT.

Even if you haven't ever thought about it ... DO IT.

Except if you really really really hate old people.

The place is swarming with old people complaining about iced tea for some reason.

I think that every day I overheard somebody complaining that they couldn't get enough iced tea on board.

And usually the complainers were 90 years old and up.

I kept wanting to yell "Will somebody please fill that old asswart's IV with iced tea and shut her fucking cobwebbed mouth up??"

Yet, I didn't.

I was too busy beating the shit out of everyone at Classic Rock Trivia.

Dumb fuckers.