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5:09 a.m. - 2008-10-02

DEEP IN THE HEART OF SOMETHING


So you're DYING to know about the brother-in-law who doesn't believe in air conditioning ... right?

Well, this sheds a light on a few things.

1) Maybe his kids all humped my knees because they were so grateful for air conditioning whenever they came to visit and that's how they showed their gratitude.

2) Or maybe they were so cold, they were trying to stay warm by humping me.

Regardless, when I approached my in-laws' front door for the first time ever and noticed it was wide open THAT should have been a warning sign.

It was 80 degrees outside.

Within 10 seconds of walking in, I was thinking "I never knew 80 degrees could be so cool".

Because it was in the mid-90s inside the house. The oven was on all day, cooking up stuff for the wedding day the next day.

This was the most DIY wedding you'll ever see. The only professional in the entire wedding was myself and the preacher and I had foolishly waived my fees for family.

My sister-in-law cooked everything for the 100 guests.

Her kitchen looked like Hiroshima.

I made a decision at that point that I wasn't eating a thing at this wedding reception. Rusty baking sheets were used for cheese balls, the cheese balls would be taken out of the oven and then quiche would be put on the baking sheet without any cleaning of the sheet.

Doesn't sound like that big a deal.

But the seven year-old son of the Bride and Groom had a NASTY virus that had fluids pouring from every hole in his body. He's also severely disabled due to his teenage mother never seeking pre-natal care (apparently that is like SOOOOO embarrassing to a 16 year-old) so he likes to be naked constantly ... company be damned. You're going to see his chubby little smegma-coated wiener and his dirty little ass with the dingleberries swinging to and fro whether you like it or not.

ME: "So what time do we need to be at the ch...oh hell. There's Charlie's dirty little cock again. Can someone please put some underwear on that little knee humper??"

Charlie would then run to the kitchen and then begin touching and sneezing all over the food with his shit-covered fingers and virus-filled doses of phlegm.

SUSIE'S SISTER/CHARLIE'S GRANDMA: "Charlie, put some clothes on and get away from the food now."

CHARLIE: (as he's dry humping a mildewed Hot Pocket) "Unnnngh!!"

ME: "Andrew, would you like to drive to the donut shop and wind up lost in Ohio with me?"

I mean Christ on a stick, people ... I was just there to DJ a wedding reception for a kid I've met a handful of times in my life. I never signed up to watch a Freak Show in 3D.

There was literally no place to sit. Every chair, couch, table and floor space were covered with something. I moved half a library of TV Guides off of a chair and plopped down in that, my ass being greeted with a sharp spring in my right cheek.

That's okay. I could deal with the pain. The pain kept my mind off of the death circus around me.

Andrew, sensing a bit of safe haven, climbed up into my lap, cranked up his Nintendo DS, put on his Mario headphones and wandered into his own world. We huddled and sweated together as far away from the freak show as possible.

Everything was going good for a while. Nobody was passing out from heat stroke.

And then Charlie vomited.

On the carpet.

Charlie's grandma handled it with aplomb.

"Charlie, get a towel, clean up your puke and go to your room," she said as she rolled out some pie crust.

And I have to think that Charlie would have been happy to mop up his own sick.

You know ... if he wasn't standing there shitting himself and watching Spongebob.

That was my cue to pretend to kiss my wife on her sweaty forehead and say "I think Andrew and I will go back to the hotel and swim for a while until the sun goes down and it gets to be a balmy 88 degrees in here. Love ya."

And we hauled ass out of there before we caught Hepatitis from the Human Shit Factory.

That was the highlight of the trip.

Just thought I'd share.

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