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5:12 a.m. - 2002-10-07

100 TRUE THINGS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT ME IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO AROUND CALLING YOURSELF AN UNCLE BOB-HEAD

1) I never read the comics in the newspaper.

2) I bite my fingernails.

3) I sometimes wear my socks two days in a row out of sheer laziness.

4) I have never bought a porno videotape or DVD.

5) As a child, I convinced my parents that I hated peaches when I secretly thought they were okay.

6) My first crush was Sharon Miller in kindergarten.

7) Both of my parents smoke cigarettes but none of their children do.

8) For a period of four years, I would develop ulcers on my throat during the last week of February.

9) Iíve had mono.

10) When I was young, I had an uncle who was a projectionist at the local movie theater. I thought it was the coolest job in the world.

11) I do not hate anyone.

12) Listening to certain Roy Orbison songs will bring tears to my eyes.

13) Iím easily bored.

14) I met Johnny Cash when I was ten years old.

15) My sister and her first husband were the only people to ever be married at Conway Twittyís house.

16) The same sister once dated Marcia Gay Hardenís younger brother.

17) I smoked cigars my freshman year in college.

18) I "suffer" from retarded ejaculation, which is the exact opposite of premature ejaculation. Sometimes it's a blessing ... sometimes a curse. Depends on the woman.

19) Iíve never been arrested.

20) When I get angry, I get very quiet.

21) Iím a fun drunk.

22) I once started a barroom brawl. But seriously ... I'm a fun drunk.

23) Iíve owned thousands of albums/CDs/tapes throughout my life but have never purchased Michael Jacksonís ďThrillerĒ or ďThe Eaglesí Greatest HitsĒ.

24) Iíve never walked out on a movie, but Iíve walked out on several concerts.

25) Iíve lied on a lie detector test and passed it.

26) My record for most successful masturbation sessions in a single day stands at 7 when I was 15.

27) I believe that God is love.

28) The comedian Sinbad once tried to give me tips on how to properly pick up a woman.

29) Iíve smoked pot with grandmothers. And not young grandmothers either.

30) I didnít learn to drive until I was 17.

31) I hate surprises.

32) I was addicted to Dristan Nasal Spray for several years.

33) Iíve slept with two female friends and it actually strengthened our friendship.

34) I will not eat white bread.

35) I hate traditional Thanksgiving dinners.

36) I enjoy flying as long as thereís nobody sitting next to me.

37) I didnít have acne as a teen, but get the occasional pimple today.

38) My biggest regret in life is abruptly quitting my job in stand-up comedy.

39) There are certain secrets that I will take to my grave.

40) I kept every magazine that I ever bought or subscribed to from 1975 until 2002.

41) Iím a morning person.

42) With the exception of beer, if I get sick from drinking a certain alcohol or liquor, I will never drink it again.

43) Iím horrible at telling jokes or stories face to face.

44) I know absolutely nothing about auto mechanics.

45) I hate waiting on people.

46) I used to be obsessed with making lists.

47) Iíve written the lyrics to over 1,000 ďsongsĒ.

48) Hotel beds never fail to make me horny.

49) Nearly half of all my sexual partners have been one night stands.

50) When Iím staring at a computer screen, trying to think of what to write, for some reason the word ďrumĒ always rings in my head.

51) Nine times out of ten, I will not use an umbrella when itís raining.

52) Due to the climate in which Iíve lived the last two decades, I act like a five year-old when I see snow.

53) I played ďDoctorĒ with three girls before I was in kindergarten.

54) I hate talking on the phone.

55) Even though I write coffee table books for a living, there is no book on my coffee table at home.

56) I have trouble accepting compliments.

57) My niece Kali was one of the final little girls in the running for the role of the Little Girl in "Three Men And A Little Girl", the sequel to "Three Men And A Baby". She didn't get it.

58) If it were absolutely necessary, I could probably become a vegetarian.

59) My grandfather had a daughter out of wedlock a few months before I was born, so somewhere out there, I have a step-aunt. My mother was always scared that I would somehow meet this girl and fall in love with her.

60) After drinking Coca-Cola most of my life and switching to Diet Dr. Pepper a year ago, Coke tastes like crap now.

61) Iím not the most organized person in the world.

62) Iíve been watching professional wrestling since 1972.

63) The shortest time Iíve ever stayed at a job was when I sold aluminum siding. I lasted 20 minutes before I quit during the morning sales meeting when management was laughing about taking advantage of an elderly woman the previous week and selling her thousands of dollars of siding that she clearly didnít need.

64) Iím not nearly as abrasive in real life as Uncle Bob comes across. But I used to be.

65) The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring and a watch.

66) Some of the most enjoyable times in my life were on road trips with my buddies.

67) I love scented candles.

68) Iím a damned good ventriloquist until it comes time to say words that begin with ďMĒ.

69) I love a good magic trick.

70) Iím a slave to salty snack mixes.

71) I will not drink plain milk.

72) I truly think there is nothing more heartbreaking than a disadvantaged child.

73) I love movies but hate going to the theater.

74) I drive a maroon 1995 Dodge Intrepid. Itís paid for.

75) My favorite season is spring.

76) When I was a child, I put garlic salt and mustard on nearly everything I ate.

77) Iím only happy when it rains.

78) I think Iím a sucky writer.

79) Iím terrified of Ferris Wheels and heights in general.

80) I am a direct descendant of King Henry VIII. Which helps explain my gut.

81) If you hand me a coloring book and crayons, I can stay occupied for several hours.

82) I do not understand the appeal of camping.

83) I spent the summer of 1979 as a costume character at Opryland USA. I walked around the park, dressed as a cartoon guitar, shaking childrenís hands and posing for pictures Ö country musicís version of Mickey Mouse. I lost 20 lbs in sweat that summer.

84) I hate earaches above all other body aches.

85) My freshman year of college, I wrote a letter to my girlfriend back home every single day and she did the same. I still have every letter she wrote me in a box at the bottom of my closet, 22 years later.

86) Iím a pretty decent singer.

87) My first car was a blue Volkswagen Bug that I bought for $250.

88) I cannot fully extend my right arm after a stupid accident in 2000 but I hide it pretty well.

89) Iíve never had anyone that I was close to die.

90) I cannot skate or ski.

91) Iím constantly tired.

92) The three worst bullies I ever had to deal with were Randy Brown, Mark OíDonnell and some kid in Peoria, Illinois whose name escapes me.

93) Iíve often been told I say the word ďwashĒ funny. I pronounce it ďwoyshĒ due to my Midwestern upbringing.

94) Iím usually quiet during sex because Iím afraid of saying something stupid that will be used against me at a later date.

95) In 1982, I had a ponytail and wore a large silver hoop earring Ö something very few males were doing at the time. This look was generally regarded as gay by other guys and sexy by the ladies.

96) I received my last spanking from my father at age 14 after yelling at my sister to put some clothes on who was parading around naked in front of me and my friends. I still donít feel the spanking was justified.

97) I keep a running list in my head of female friends that I wished I had slept with. I have it narrowed down to ten names at all times.

98) While in the fifth grade, I thought a neighbor was kidnapping me because he took me to go get gas with him and drove several miles past several gas stations before he stopped, filled up the car and then drove us home.

99) Iíve been homeless.

100) I thought this would be a whole lot easier than it actually was.

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