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4:17 a.m. - 2000-12-11

THE BABY'S NOW SLEEPING FOUR HOURS IN A ROW. CAN YOU TELL??

Arrrrrgh.

I've got a splitting headache. Yes, I took some aspirin.

So anyway ...

OH!!

Guess what??

Thanks to Tigre Fatalis , I now have an official UNCLE BOB MERCHANDISE STORE!!!

...Yes ... I'm copying Quoted ...deal with it...

So anyway...if you order before TOMORROW (sorry), you can get all your favorite Uncle Bob merchandise BEFORE Christmas.

Pert cool, eh?

Of course, the Uncle Bob action figures are not on the site at this time, as we are still working on a "Lazy Assed Brother In Law" figure as well as the "Drunk Assed Boss" figure.

But if you want a t-shirt that proudly proclaims that you are a member of Uncle Bob's Army and everyone else SUCKS ... it's there, babe.

WHYYYYY you would want a t-shirt with that on there is beyond me. But far be it for me to suggest how you people live your lives.

Soooo...if you just can't get enough Uncle Bob in your life, by God, go to the OFFICIAL UNCLE BOB MERCHANDISE STORE and pick you up one cool assed t-shirt, sweatshirt, coffee mug or mouse pad.

...Or not. And then just sit back and watch me fade into obscurity.

Either way, it's cool with me.

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An aquaintance of mine was on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" last Thursday evening. I just forgot to mention it here.

His name's Kelvin Datcher, and he's a radio deejay here in town.

We speak every time we see each other, but we only see each other a few times a year. So I can't really call him a friend. I don't know his home phone number, so that makes him an aquaintance.

Anyway...it was pretty cool to see him on TV. Granted, he never made it to the hot seat. But he did wave big at the beginning and grinned. And in my own warped Uncle Bob frame of mind, I took that as a sign to say "Hey Uncle Bob....LOOKEE MEEEEE!!!"

You go Kelvin Datcher.

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Oh yeah...and in another brush with greatness, a website I write for is included in Yahoo Magazine's "Best of 2000" issue this month.

Mighty Big TV was named the Best TV Website or something like that. It said that the writing of the recaps was often funnier than the actual shows.

...So...uhhhh...why didn't they mention moi specifically??

Probably because I'm the least funny mofo on that site. Ah well...it's great company to have and it's cool that the site has now been lauded in Time, Yahoo and Entertainment Weekly.

I just wish I had come up with the idea for the site myself.

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I bought the new Everclear CD Saturday.

Still haven't listened to it. I liked the last one and since this is Volume II ... well ... I just couldn't pass it up.

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A drunken Schmez never fails to crack my ass up.

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I am REALLY dreading my father-in-law and his wife coming into town tomorrow.

I can sense it now...

"So, Uncle Bob...do you golf?"

"Uhhh...no. I told you that the last two times I saw you. I don't golf. I surf the web and I fuck your daughter. Those are my hobbies, dude."

"Sooo...what do you do for fun around here?"

"Well...usually ... I surf the web. Then, if I can get it up, I pork your precious baby girl until she's either screaming my name in ecstasy or we're both bored. Whichever comes first."

"Ahhhh. You're a prankster, are ya?"

"Uhhhh....yeah. That's it. I'm a prankster. You got me there ... "DAD"."

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Went to church yesterday and my boy Eddie Lavoie and his gal, former supermodel, now simply stunning woman Ramona were in the howww-wouuuse, totally putting a shockdown on my snoop doggy dogg ass.

I was all like "Ed...WASSAP???"

Hell, I left the wife and kid behind to go take the only seat next to Ramona. Susie and Andy sat in the back of the church.

But sometimes, that's what church is all about. Sacrificing your family for the betterment of yourself.

Or something like that.

Anyway...I was so excited that Eddie and Ramona were there, I was beaming all thru the service. Finally, I'd have a buddy in church other than my church family.

Turns out, they were going to go to another church, but it had already started and they slipped into our church a few minutes before we did.

Sooooo...they were out, searching for a church, and ours fit their schedule timewise.

I feel sooo special.

(That was sarcasm, Eddie.)

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The WWF held a pay per view in Birmingham, AL about 90 miles north from here.

I really wanted to go and take really stupid signs and see if they got on pay per view television.

Basically ... holding up signs with the slogans from my BRAND NEW SPANKING T-SHIRT with the web address on them.

...Ever the entrepreneur.

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And finally, my little buddies, who I love dearly ...

....I have finally decided ... because it's gotten to be too big of a hassle and I just can't find the time to do it anymore and I've really ran out of excuses and it's time for me to just go ahead and say it.

Now that we have Andrew in the house ... I just don't have the time to ............................

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(Sorry...that was my impression of that lame email shit that people send you ....sposed to be an angel praying to Heaven .... do you see it?!?! Anyway....back to the suspense....)

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........answer every email I've received in the last six weeks.

What??

You thought I'd say "quit this diary"??

Are you out of yer everfucking mind?

I can't quit this diary.

Shit.

I've got merchandise to move, Sweetie.

So hey ... here's my personal email to each and everyone of you who has written in the last six weeks and have not received an answer from me.

Hehhehehe,

You are SOOO right!!

Man...you are too much!!

I'll have to try that some time.

Yes. Yes, I know. I heard. I'm sorry to hear that.

If I were you, I'd tell your parents to eat your ass and go get a job as a stripper in some shithole strip club and move in with that asshole with the broken down truck.

Thanks for writing!

Uncle Bob

_____________________________

HEY!!!

Have a damned good Monday, my friend.

Uncle Bob loves you.

_______________________________

QUESTION OF THE DAY

If you had an "Uncle Bob" t-shirt, what would you want it to say?

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