FIVE HUNDRED ENTRIES OF CRAP ON THE WALL, FIVE HUNDRED ENTRIES OF CRAAAAAP

NUMBER FIIIIIVE-HUNDRED BEEEEYOTCH!!!!

Yes, with this entry, I now have 500 Diary entries.

I'm not King of All Entries by any means ... I think we'd have to toss that tiara over to Kelly who has well over 2,000 entries.

But...in my defense ... my entries are longer than Kelly's.

Annnnnd...I don't update every time I inhale like SOME people.

(That'd be you Kel. Still love ya though. Kiss kiss)

I guess I'm going to have to thank some people since it's number 500 and all...

First off, I want to give props to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, without whom I could never have gotten 500 entries squeezed out of my pathetic little brain.

I'd like to thank Andrew without whom there would be no Diaryland and I'd still just be some dork who would be able to sleep in 90 minutes later than he currently does.

Did I thank God already? I know I thanked Jesus ... but I'd better go ahead and thank God too. Thanks God!

I'd like to thank my agent, Murray P. Lipshitter. Murray has been with me since my first website, "Uncle Bob's House Of Genital Torture" and without Murray by my side, I doubt I'd be sitting here in the dark typing these words and wishing desperately for a Coke.

I'd like to thank the isle of Jamaica who made the first 200 entries a helluva lot easier to write with the help of their ganja.

I'd like to thank my ... fuck this...I need a Coke...brb....

Back. Gotta love them Cokes.

Where was I?? Oh yeah...

I'd like to thank my producer Dr. Dre. You my boy, Dre and all props go to you, you fly assed mofo.

Finally, I'd like to thank the people. 'Cause if there was no you, there'd be no me.

Peace. I see you in 2002, beeyotch.

Wait a second...that's not MY acceptance speech. That's Eminem's acceptance speech for Album of the Year at the Grammys that he never got to give.

My bad.

So anyway...how was yer weekend?

I think I told y'all about the tornados that swept through the area on Friday night. More news on those.

Apparently the tornado was 100 yards wide and two miles long and was about four miles from my house.

It tore up some trees on the interstate and damaged a few houses. Nobody died or got injured or saw God, so everything's coo'.

THEN it rained like a mofo all day Saturday. We got five inches of rain here, my back patio flooded, my back yard flooded, but it never got into the house, which was a GOOD thing.

We laid around the house all day Saturday. I took TWO naps...one in the morning, one in the afternoon.

Now THAT'S a lazy day.

Went over to my boy Eddie Lavoie's house Saturday night as he and his gal Ramona invited us over for dinner.

We had a delicious meal of terriyaki steak and veggies over rice. It was so good, I coulda had seconds, but didn't.

...Then ... dessert.

For the life of me, I can't remember the name of the dessert. So I'll just call it "Every Damned Thing In The World Cake".

Everything you could possibly imagine was in this cake. Ramona did an excellent job of making this bad boy.

Everyone had seconds on dessert. That's how good it was.

We hung out there for a while until Andy started getting fussy and Susie's breasts started becoming engorged and leaking, so it was time to shuffle off to Buffalo.

Came home, she fed the kid while I went to bed.

A long day, don't ya know?

Sunday...damn...I spent more time in church than I did at home.

Went to the men's breakfast at 7:45. We had sausage and biscuits, scrambled eggs and grits.

Even though I've lived in the south for almost 30 years off and on, I've still proudly never eaten a grit.

Not one single grit of grits.

I have a feeling that the day I eat grits is the day I go out, buy a 1968 pick-up truck with no wheels, put it on blocks in my front yard, buy a hound dog named Bubba and tie him to my front porch, start dipping snuff and beat my boy for the neighbor's amusement.

That's why I don't eat grits.

Other than that, the breakfast was good. All the men called me queer for not eating grits. I called them a buncha redneck idiots. Then we remembered we were in the Lord's house and the grit bickering stopped.

They needed volunteers to clean the kitchen after breakfast.

Any volunteers??

Everyone sat on their hands in silence.

So I shot my hand up. Uncle Bob will clean the kitchen his own damned self, peeps.

Luckily, another guy then shot his hand up, so we washed dishes together and talked about cement blocks.

Yes. Cement blocks.

Suffice to say, he kept up his end of the conversation quite nicely. I would chime in with "Really?" and "Wow!" a lot.

I mean...what else is there to say about cement blocks? "Goodness...that sounds cementy!"

I don't think so.

The other guy works in construction, hence the cement block talkathon.

I drove home and got there at 9:15. On my way home, I envisioned Susie being showered and dressed and Andy naked in her arms, ready for his bath.

I got Susie unshowered and in her robe sitting on the couch and watching "Wheel of Fortune" with Andy in his pajamas sucking away on a boob.

You take what you can get.

I reminded Susie that we had one hour to get to church and STILL had to bathe Andy.

She showered, the kid got a bath and we made it with three minutes to spare.

Go us!

After church, we came home and I was exhausted. I hadn't got a morning nap. It was already noon and I needed a nap badly.

Susie decided to go shopping and thought that we'd put Andy down for a nap and then I'd nap at the same time.

Cool.

Andy lays down and fights the inevitable sleep. I pat his ass like it's going out of style and he finally falls asleep.

I run to the bedroom, dive for the bed and hug my pillow.

Five minutes later, Andy's done with his nap and wants to play.

No fucking way.

I get up, pat his ass some more and he falls asleep. Run, dive and hug the pillow.

Five minutes later, the phone rings.

I don't answer it.

Ten minutes later, Andy's ready to get up.

Pat, run, dive and hug.

This goes on for about an hour until I finally give up and realize that I'm not going to get a nap.

I get Andy up, we go sit in the recliner and put some children's music on.

He's out like a light.

And I can't sleep in my recliner.

Susie gets home, I help her bring all the groceries and crap in and it's time for me to go BACK to church for my Division meeting.

I'm in the Division for Evangelism which means it's up to me to recruit new members for the church.

They're actually talking about going to people's houses and witnessing to them about Christ.

Okay.

You show up at my door unannounced and want to talk religion, you're going to politely receive a slammed door in your face.

I keep saying that forcing religion on people is not good. My words are met with blank stares and occasional nose pickings from the other people in my division.

Besides our leader, I do the most talking in the group which is still a shock to me. I thought I'd sit there and be quiet for an hour each week, but that's not the case. Mainly because EVERYONE ELSE sits there quiet as lambs and SOMEBODY has to talk ... so I do it.

Anyway ... I've volunteered to do a bunch of stuff for the group since the rest of them sat there stone faced and refusing to help out with anything.

Shit.

Just let me and the leader be in the group and send the rest of these little lambs home.

Jeez Louise.

Got home last night at 5:30 and Susie had made one of my favorite...Mushroom Meat Loaf.

YUM!

Ate dinner, talked to my sis and Mom on the phone, and then got a phone call from one of the ladies at church who wanted to tell me that the church was going to support my running in The Biggest Rat In Town contest in a big way.

Apparently, we're going to have a silent auction sometime in April for me. After my meeting at church, there was another meeting with all the big wigs at church and they're all excited that one of their congregation members (me) is actually in this contest.

So they plan on doing a number of things to help me raise the cash, with the silent auction being the first thing they came up with.

Man.

I feel loved each and every day by my family.

But this is overwhelming.

I'm a very lucky and a very blessed man.

And seriously...thanks to all you guys for reading all 500 entries of this crap on a daily basis.

And HEY!! Napster's STILL going strong right now ... I just downloaded some Van Halen.

I bet Shawn Fanning's ass is gonna be in all kindsa trouble when the government finds that out.

Go Shawn! Fight the power!!

That's it ... I'm outta here...you people rock!

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