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12:48 p.m. - 2001-08-22

HOW I'D SPEND 80 MILLION ... I'D BUY MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SOME NEW LEGS FOR STARTERS

You know...I've read my share of diaries in this big ol' land we like to call "Diaryland".

And I've noticed that some you get frustrated with life and take that frustration out on your arms with razor blades.

That's all well and good...but if you REALLY wanna impress me with your dissatisfaction of life in general, take a lesson from this guy.

Get some balls about yourself. No pun intended.


Sooo...this Powerball thing is now up to a jackpot of about $200 million.

Tell me something people...what in God's name do you do with $200 million?

First...let's be fair and take $120 million away for Uncle Sam. You may get more, you may get less...I just think that's a good fair amount to deduct. I'm not an accountant. I'm a coffee table book writer. I don't claim to understand government withholdings. Sue me.

So you've got $80 million. First, you buy a mansion...let's say a five million dollar mansion. You're high on the hog now, ain't ya?

Next, you probably set some money away and promise to "live off the interest". Let's sock away $10 million for the hell of it.

You're not gonna live off that interest. You're gonna keep spending, aren't ya? Sure you are...you've got $65 million smackers...LET'S PARTY!!

Next...you're gonna buy your family or friends homes and cars and stereo systems and PlayStation 2s.

A Play Station 2 cost $300. You're gonna have to buy a lot more than Play Station 2s to spend all this money.

I've got a couple things I'd buy myself that you may not have already thought of.

For instance, I'd buy a Mexican kid. I'd give the family ... I dunno...30 grand and take their kid away.

Thirty grand is a lot of money to a poor Mexican family, believe me amigo.

Then I'd put that kid to work. This kid...let's say he's five years old...his job is to play for my kid.

Not play WITH my kid...play FOR my kid.

If my kid wants to play with some blocks or Legos or something...hey...get Miguel in here pronto! Make Miguel play with the Legos while my kid watches. If my kid wants to knock over a bunch of blocks that Miguel just stacked up...that's my kid's prerogative. Miguel has been hired to play for him. Miguel must do whatever my kid wants him to do.

Of course, I'd probably hire a whole team of Mexican kids to do stuff like pull Andy around in a wagon or push his swing or something like that. If they were playing tag, all the Mexican kids would always be "it" and Andy would never have to be "it" because being "it" sucks and Andy's daddy is a millionaire and that's the way it is, Miguel #7. If you don't like it, there's plenty of opportunities in Tijuana for somebody to pull mules up and down dirt trails or whatever it is you could be doing down in Mexico. Now GET IN THAT GAME AND BE "IT", MIGUEL #4!!

I'd probably buy that Oscar Mayer wienermobile so I could cruise around in town and everyone could say "Here comes that guy with the big wiener" when I pulled up. And I could pretend they were talking about me rather than my automobile.

I'd buy some steakhouse and have all the tables removed and just put a big ol' bed in the middle of the place and then I'd always have a place to go and eat my steak in bed.

And I'd want a wall of TV screens to watch while I ate my steak in bed. I probably shoulda mentioned that.

I'd buy a telephone in the shape of a table lamp so that I could call up Bill Gates, call him a loser and then cackle and hang up on him.

I'd have a bathtub full of $20 bills that I would just stare at and go "Man. I'm freakin' rich. I sure wish I could bathe in that crap."

And I'd probably give the wife a credit card and send her to Paris and then give Sarah Michelle Gellar, Denise Richards and Cameron Diaz a call and make them all come over and be nice to me for tips.

Yep.

That's what I'd probably do.

Then again...my state isn't involved with the Powerball Scam...so I don't know why I'm even bothering to dream about it.

Except for the fact that I've really wanted a phone that looks like a lamp lately...


Susie called me at work this morning to tell me something sweet.

The husband of the woman who watches Andy every day told Susie this morning that he was "falling in love" with Andy.

...I just hope Andy gets a flashy diamond ring out of the deal...

Anyway...apparently when the husband comes home for lunch every day, Andy crawls over to him, pulls himself up his leg and sits in his lap while the guy eats his lunch, with Andy slapping his tummy and pulling at the pens in his shirt pocket and enjoying playing with the guy.

That would be really sweet and all if the kid would just do the same for me.

I come home from work each day and he screams in terror and then scoots to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Rotten kid...


I don't know HOW I forgot to tell y'all this...

My mother-in-law is now a leper.

Okay...so she's not really a leper...but she's got some infection in her varicose veins which has left her with these big huge red splotches all over her legs.

They are disgusting.

I hadn't noticed them until Monday when she came over in shorts and I wanted to puke. Her legs look like a pepperoni pizza...all yellow and gooey with big red dots all up and down them.

Andy took a bite out of her right calf. He said it tasted like chicken.

Anyway...she can't watch Andy this Friday so she's volunteered my 16 year-old militant niece to come over and watch him.

Okay...first off...she can't drive. Her crazy mother, my sister-in-law, won't allow her to learn to drive because my sister-in-law was in a wreck back in the 1970s that totalled her car. Nobody was hurt, but after that she's never wanted to learn how to drive and doesn't want her kids driving either.

So...in my house...if you wanna babysit my kid...you MUST have a driver's license.

Dem's my rules.

PLUS...my niece would have to bring over my nephews and watch them too...Porno Boy and Potentially Pedophilic Boy.

I don't want either of them here without adult supervision. I'd come home and be a proud card carrying member of more porno sites than I could ever see in my lifetime.

Soooo...it's safe to say that my niece won't be watching Andy.

She THINKS she's watching Andy. And she THINKS she's getting paid to watch Andy. And she's already spent the money in her head.

But it ain't happenin'.

No sirree Bob.

I'll take my chances and leave the kid in the car for eight hours out in our parking lot before I have the terrible three come destroy my home.

That's just the way it is.

I's gots my rules.


That's all I have time for...my lunch break is almost over.

Take care, have a great rest of the day and see ya tomorrow!

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