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1:07 p.m. - 2001-08-29

CHICKETTY CHINA, THE CHINESE CHICKEN

*BURRRRRP*

Sorry...just got back from my fave Chinese buffet place...wayyyy too much chicken with wine for me today. I think I might be half drunk.

Had lunch with the Geester and his galpal Cate. They're doing fine...thanks for asking.

I'm out of it today for some reason and I can't determine why. I wrote all morning about a hospital in Ohio...you would THINK that would put me in good spirits. Sadly, it hasn't.

I guess I'm worried about my wife. She's REALLY starting to hate her job. She's an administrative assistant in the human resources department of a major auto parts dealership. It's not so much that she hates her job, it's just that she doesn't know what she wants to do the rest of her life but she knows she doesn't want to do what she's doing.

I've tried to encourage her to search the web for a new job or call some friends of hers at other businesses, but she doesn't want to.

I asked her last night if she thinks it's post-partum depression and she said she didn't know because she had never had a kid before.

To be on the safe side I bathed Andy last night sending her into another room.

Speaking of bathing Andy...man...does this kid love his baths.

The last few baths, he's found out how to splash water. He takes his washcloth and WHIPS it into the water, sending streams of water everywhere.

This cracks he and I up to no end.

Susie, on the other hand, doesn't find it as funny. So while her men are giggling like schoolgirls, she's standing there soaking wet and not in good humor.

(My God...I am soooo full from that Chinese today. Uncomfortably full.)

Andy has also taken to grabbing a mound of bubbles and trying to cram them in his mouth. Then he turns and looks at me because he knows this will crack me up. At first it did. Now it's kinda old hat...seen one kid with a faceful of bubbles and you've seen 'em all...but I fake laugh for him to make him think he's still the king of bubble humor and that he's still got the touch to make his old man laugh at 10 months of age.


Oh yeah...

I forgot to tell y'all my idea for like...the most perfect diary spoof ever.

This came to me one day and the sheer concept of it cracked me up. This is back when I was writing the Buscemi diary and getting bored with that. I started thinking..."Okay...what celebrity can I start a diary for that would be even better than all the other ones that I've done and gotten bored with?

Are you ready for this??

........The REALLY SECRET Diary of Anne Frank.

Many of us are familiar with the Diary of Anne Frank. It was kept secret and stowed away so that the Germans couldn't find it. Maybe it was the Jews who couldn't find it. Maybe Anne Frank couldn't find it. I don't remember...I never read the thing.

But then...let's say Anne had a SECRET diary...one full of profanities and her REAL feelings...a diary that she KNEW would never be found and turned into some piece of literature that kids had to read in school.

...And the excerpts of the Diary ended up at www.annefrank.diaryland.com.

I had the first line of the SECRET diary already in my head...

"These Goddamned Germans had better just step off my ass NOW!!"

C'mon...wouldn't THAT have been uproarious? Anne Frank as a bitchy, angsty teen? Spending whole entries about wanting to get her tongue pierced and stuff??

Anyway...I'm handing over the idea to whichever of you is quick enough to secure the domain of annefrank.diaryland.com

Because I'm tired of doing "celebrity" diaries although I think with the right one, you could strike gold.

And this one would work.

Go for it, whoever. Do it anonymously if you need to.

Just make me laugh with Anne Frank's OTHER diary.

...I'm giggling in anticipation already...


I've received three emails this week from people thinking I'm the brains behind Perceptions.

Their reasoning is that the guy who writes Perceptions is named "Bobby".

I'm "Bob".

There's another diary called Observations which is a takeoff on Perceptions.

That one is written by "Jimmy".

My real name is "Jim".

Bob.

Bobby.

Jimmy.

Jim.

Coincidence??

What do YOU think?


Chicketty China, the Chinese Chicken...cripes...I am FULL!!

I think I'm going to close the door to my office, take off my pants, lie down on my desk and periodically go "Uh huh...Uh huh ... Uh huh" so people will think I'm on the phone when I'm really just trying to digest some chicken.

Then..if someone were to bust in and catch me... man...I bet they'd be embarrassed!

That's it. I'm doing it.

I'll fill ya in on any embarrassing results tomorrow.

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