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1:00 p.m. - 2001-10-09

NOT NECESSARILY THE NEWS

Since there's nothing new to report to you from my side of the fence except for the fact that I think I might have accidently done some irreperable damage to the lining of my bowels with a wire coat hanger and a flashlight, I think I'll touch on some recent news items.

Rush Limbaugh is deaf

This is probably a good thing. Eventually, he'll forget how to talk, so that in a few years he'll be reduced to grunts and groans and he'll get fired from his job as the world's first deaf mute talk show host and the world will rejoice and dance in the streets and little Palestinian children will burn flags in their streets with Rush's face on them and sing songs like "Rush is Deaf" and things like that.

Maybe not.

I ain't Miss Cleo over here. I can't predict the future.

A mentally ill man rushed a cockpit on American Airlines which prompted a wave of fear and terror aboard the plane

At first, it was said that the guy just wanted to get in the cockpit to watch the pilots because other pilots had let him in before because he basically has vegetables where his brain should be and he's relatively harmless.

Then, we find out that the guy was terrified that the plane was about to crash into the Sears Tower, so he rushed the cockpit in order to break in there and save the day.

Okay.

If you can do this, it will help the story out much better...

Picture Warren from "There's Something About Mary". Cameron Diaz' brother...the guy that wore a football helmet and had a thing about his ears being touched.

Picture Warren rushing a cockpit, thinking that the plane was about to crash and he wanted to be Superman and rescue everyone and the next day, all the headlines would read "Retard Thwarts Hijacking ... See page 32."

Now, picture a vigilante group of passengers who decides to not only rain on Warren's parade...they damned near flood it. Before El Loopy busts through the cockpit door, he has so many passengers grab him, wrestle him to the ground and smother him with their bodies, he thinks he's Asia Carrera in a scene from "My Best Friend's Booty".

I don't think Warren's going to be allowed to fly the friendly skies for a little while. I have a feeling people would rather sit next to a ticking Taliban soldier than share a plane with Supertard.

Which takes me to...

The military has run out of targets to hit in Afghanistan

They've demolished the airports and airplanes. The terrorist camps are gone. The only thing they left standing was a Quik-E-Mart so half the population can still hold down a job as a convenience store clerk.

The Taliban soldiers are throwing down their weapons and running for cover in the mountains

Whoa. That's a big shock. Who woulda saw that one coming? Maybeeee....EVERYBODY?!?

The Taliban are bragging that bin Laden and the Taliban president are still alive.

News flash, you morons...we weren't TRYING to kill them. We were just taking out all your weapons and transportation. We'll give you a heads up when we're ready to anhilate you folks. Just sit tight.

The few tanks that the Taliban have are at least 30 years old and LITERALLY held together by rubber bands.

Now that's just sad. The whole thing is starting to remind me of that scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" where the Dark Knight challenges somebody to a duel and his arm gets sliced off and he dismisses it as a flesh wound. So his other arm is cut off, his legs, his torso, his head...he's just chopped to bits because he won't give up.

THAT'S who Osama reminds me of. You almost feel sorry for his dumb ass.

The Enquirer is hit with anthrax ... Jennifer Lopez dating a corpse

Apparently a love letter to J-Lo arrived at the Enquirer office with some funky white powder included in it. The powder turned out to be anthrax, but a couple of geezers at the paper snorted it, thinking it was some Columbian Booger Sugar or something. Now they're dead and J-Lo's career is following close behind them. People freak out and line up for antibiotics because they don't wanna die.

Hello? This isn't a cold, you fools. It's ANTHRAX. Blowing your nose and getting a prescription of penicillin ain't gonna beat this baby. Even God's closed the pearly gates for fear of contamination from the last two J-Lo love letter sniffers.

A guy gets in a fight in a Washington subway and drops a jar full of an unknown chemical, making people sick and nauseous.

See...THIS is what scares me more than anything. The clumsy clods in subway stations who can't hold onto a jar full of poisonous gases AND hold up their end of a decent scuffle.

IN MY DAY...if you were going to carry a poisonous gas, you'd at least have the intelligence to either avoid a fight or the foresight to punch people square in the nuts when they messed with you. Either way, the main rule still stands...DON'T DROP THE POISONOUS GAS. Any lobotomy case could tell you that.

I'm really tired.

So I'm going to go walk a few laps around the building and build my energy level back up.

See ya later.

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