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09:55:01 - 2000-07-20

PREPARE TO BE SHOCKED AND AMAZED

I'm about to share something with you that will shock and amaze you.

Some of you may be amazed first...and THEN shocked.

Others will simply be shocked with no amazement whatsoever.

And still...others may be thoroughly amazed, slightly shocked and deeply saddened.

Are you ready???

.........................................

"The Jerry Springer Show" is fake. And I have proof.

Fake, fake, fake.

I will pause for a moment to let this sink in.

("Jeopardy" theme plays in the background)

I happened to be flipping channels like the master channel flipper that I am yesterday when lo and behold...there's Jerry.

I hadn't watched Jerry since they did away with all the catfighting and violence. So I figured...wtf? I'll catch a little Jerry.

The topic? "I'm a 14 year-old prostitute."

The pimp???

One of my old neighbors.

That's right...Jamie Crookshanks...aka Jamie Dundee...aka JC Ice (his pro wrestling name) aka the kid we always picked on ... was the 14 year-old's pimp.

His Dad was even on the show ... Bill Crookshanks....aka Superstar Bill Dundee ... a LEGEND in pro wrestling.

Some background on the situation, if I may...

I spent my high school years in Hendersonville, Tennessee which was a small town of about 30,000 people...most of them either country music stars or pro wrestlers.

Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Conway Twitty, Barbara Mandrell and her wack-assed sisters, the Oak Ridge Boys, Carl Perkins ....ummmmm...there were more country stars living there, but I can't remember them now.

As far as wrestlers (if anybody really cares)...the Jarretts lived across the street from me. Jerry Jarrett was my hero as a child, and his son Jeff Jarrett is currently a big star in WCW after leaving the WWF.

Other wrestlers living in Hendersonville at the time were "Wildfire" Tommy Rich and the Dundees.

Jamie Dundee is about five years younger than me and was a TOTAL asshole growing up. He was so scrawny, but he'd always try to take on us seniors when he was in the eighth grade.

None of us ever took the little bastard seriously. One day, one of my buddies, Chuck Perry, punched the little shit and made him cry.

That night, Superstar Bill Dundee called Chuck's parents and bitched them out because Chuck was five years older than Jamie and "picking" on him.

But everyone in the neighborhood knew about Jamie and his reign of pseudo-terror, so Chuck's parents blew the Superstar off.

ANYWAY...there WAS a possibility that the show was legitimate and Jamie really is a pimp for his 14-year-old sister in law.

But I truly doubt it. Mainly because Superstar Bill kept yelling at Jamie to "Get a Job!"

Ummmm...Jamie is a highly-paid pro wrestler now...JC Ice?? He's probably bringing home well over $200 grand a year at the age of 33.

My guess is that Jamie's "look" (shaved head, pierced ears, eyebrow and sinister goatee) is what got him the gig on the Jerry Show.

Regardless...I'm shocked and amazed.

As you probably are too.

Sorry. I feel like I just told a group of five-year-olds that there is no Santa Claus.

Oh please.

DON'T get me started on that one...

************************************

The Bug Man came yesterday and discovered a breed of bug in my yard that may just set the Bug World on its ear.

He said in his nine years of spraying for bugs, he had NEVER seen this bug before.

...I've seen three of them in the last week...

He called it a "Red Bee". It has the body of a bee, but no wings. It's red and black instead of yellow and black. It has legs and a stinger. It's a very odd looking bug.

Apparently, one late night, the bees and the ants got together with a little Jagermeister, threw a party in one of the anthills I sublet to them, and there was INSECT SEX going on in my yard.

INSEX!!!

The Bug Man acted like he found the cure for AIDS in my front yard.

"Oh my gosh," he exclaimed. "Have you ever seen anything like this???"

Yeah, pal. I've seen three of them in the last week. Didn't make ME wet MY knickers though.

He asked for a jar and I got a spaghetti sauce jar out of the recyclables and took it to him.

He scooped the little ant-bee (Aunt Bee...from Andy Griffith...BUHAHAHAHAHA!!!) and put the jar in his truck, all excited and shit and drove off.

God. The life of a bug man...

******************************

Well...my pregnant wife didn't cry at all yesterday.

Why??

Because she has a Dodge Grand Caravan sitting in the driveway this morning.

We haven't officially bought the thing yet ... it's a '98 and she wants to take it to her mechanic first before buying it.

But it's $9,000 cheaper than a brand new one.

And a nicer one than any new one we saw as well.

This puppy is LOADED!!!

Leather seats, CD player, kick ass stereo ...

AND 17 CUP HOLDERS!!!

She's all sexcited and could give two shits about her best friend moving away.

Which leads me to believe...Tuesday's episode was ALLLLL pregnant hormones.

*****************************

The sofa restuffing guy came by yesterday as well.

He restuffed the backs of my sofa, so now they're as firm as the day I bought them.

It was kinda funny...I had some fresh rosemary that I was pulling off the branches and sticking into plastic bags so it could dry and I could use it in some of my world famous dishes like Roasted Chicken and ummmmmm....OH! Grilled vegetables.

I knew I used Rosemary in something else...

Anyway...the sofa stuffer thought I was cleaning marijuana.

BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

Silly sofa stuffer!!

I wasn't.

I was preparing fresh rosemary.

And that's the story I'm sticking to if the cops show up, dammit.

********************************

And finally...I'm glad Greg was voted off the island last night.

I never liked that bastard anyway.

*********************************

Oooo, oooo, oooooo....one more "Finally"...

I got the CD "On The Floor At The Boutique" by Fatboy Slim yesterday.

It rawks. I can't quit boogieing.

I think I have....BOOGIE FEVER!!!!

WHOOOOOOO!!!!

WHEEEEEEE!!!!

(Uncle Bob dances madly around his room, letting the B-Boys trip him like a mad macademia, rockin' and sockin' and gettin' his jizz on, don't cha know?)

God.

I've REALLY gotta start acting my age soon.

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