NERVOUS CHIT CHAT BEFORE THE DREADED ANAL PROBE

Okay...not much time here...getting ready to go to the doctor....

Do I make a big deal about going to the doctor? I guess I do...what is this...five-six entries now that I've mentioned it.

I guess I need to start going more often and then I won't be so shell-shocked when I actually have to go.

That "Ted Nugent" letter posted today was a phony.

A fraud.

A ... a... a phony fraud.

I did NOT know this when I posted it. But apparently, that letter is an official urban legend.

My man, Carl pointed this out to me in an email. Apparently, Carl has mucho time on his hands as he researched the matter and the story behind The Nuge's letter ahead of time.

It's actually an interesting read and I'm just ribbin' ol' Carl.

Go check out the facts on that interesting letter here.

You know...when you're TOLD that you cannot eat anything, drink anything or engage in wild prison sex for six hours ... it takes everything in your willpower to fight the urges.

Normally, it would be no problem for me to be sitting here...12:50 in the afternoon...with no lunch in my spacious belly.

But for some ungodly reason I'M STARVING!!!

Somebody in a nearby office must be eating some Italian feast. The aroma of fresh tomatoes, garlic, onions and peppers keeps wafting into my room like a professional wafting aroma.

I'm so hungry that I have a headache.

Yes...I'm THAT hungry.

This sucks. This really, really sucks.

All I want is like...I dunno...a breadstick maybe.

Perhaps a Burger King Whopper.

Maybe a few trips through the buffet line at Pizza Hut.

THAT'S ALL.

But nooooooo...I can't eat for six hours prior to the stupid doctor's visit.

And I forgot to really chow down at breakfast, eating a bowl of Blueberry Morning cereal and my morning Coke...that's all I had.

Cripes.

I could eat wallpaper right about now.

I think I mentioned yesterday how irritated I was with a local spa that screwed Susie out of her massage and facial that she really wanted to start her vacation off right with.

Well...y'see...yesterday they called her and asked that instead of having it done on Tuesday(the beginning of her vacation), they were going to have to reschedule it for Thursday(the next to the last day of vacation).

Susie, who may be painted here as an evil, horrible wife, is actually a very sweet and kind woman who WANTED to stand up for her rights, but didn't.

So yesterday afternoon, the spa calls back and tells Susie she's been bumped "indefinitely" and that if they have an opening come open "they'll call her".

Excuse me?

This infuriated me for reasons I'm not sure I completely understand.

First off, I bought this stupid gift certificate in January. In February, this same thing happened...she kept getting bumped, so she said she'd use it some other time.

So now, she's on vacation and these jackasses can't pencil her in because ohhhhhhh....the Mayor's wife might need a massage and my wife's not important enough to be on a waiting list.

So I'm pissed last night. I told Susie I'm getting my money back and she can go somewhere else.

Right on the gift...plain as day..."Not redeemable for cash".

So...you're stuck. You pay your $125 and then they tell YOU when you can come in and get your non-important ass massaged.

Wrong, ladies. You've picked the WRONG MOTHER FUCKER to mess with.

IF she doesn't get massaged tomorrow, on Friday, I'm going over there.

I'm getting that money back in cash.

If not...one of two things will happen...I will call my buddy...the president of the Better Business Bureau in this godforsaken state and have him investigate it, which is comparable to an audit from the IRS.

Or I will get DOUBLE the amount of the gift certificate. Because on the back, they threaten the customer with the fact that if the customer cancels an appointment, half of the gift certificate will be taken away.

WTF?

So that should work both ways....since they've cancelled on my wife TWICE this week...she's entitled to double the amount of the gift certificate...doesn't that seem fair??

We'll see.

But I'm tellin' ya...this is one pissed-off Uncle they're dealing with.

Okay...gotta go get my ass probed! All the news tomorrow!!!