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5:16 a.m. - 2001-03-30

MY FAVORITE APRIL FOOL'S PRANKS

Y'know...when the highlight of your day is seeing the one person you wanted to see get booted off the "Survivor" island...you lead a pretty pathetic life.

(Uncle Bob waves his hand frantically in the air, grinning like an idiot)

Yesterday was my day to start getting businesses involved in my quest to be the biggest money raiser for the American Cancer Society EVER!

Did I succeed??

Does the Pope shit in the woods??

I managed to get two sponsors for the golf tournament ... NOBODY to commit fully on my proposed "Hit Night" ... and an assload of compliments on my hair.

(Uncle Bob whips his head around, which shakes his hair back into its perfect shape)

Today I have to go out and do the same thing ... pound on doors and beg for help.

God. I'll be SOOOO glad when April and this contest are over.

Of course ... I said the same thing when I was writing my book in '99. THAT was a whole lot worse than this though. I could NOT get motivated to write that book, whereas this contest is supposed to be "fun" and nobody's really expecting me to bring in thousands of dollars.

My campaign manager called me last night to discuss where she's at as far as getting businesses to sign up, etc.

She said she needs a check for $1,300 for this golf tournament.

I spat my drink out on the phone. You know...for effect.

"I can't just let that kinda money float around," I told her.

"I guess I can then," she sighed.

Well DAMN STRAIGHT, CAMPAIGN MANAGER!!! I NEVER told you to get a golf tournament together, for Pete's sakes ... that was YOUR idea. If I had known we would have to come off THAT kinda money to get the thing together, I woulda said "HELL NO."

Granted the American Cancer Society will reimburse us for any money spent. But even THEY will freak out when we turn in a receipt for $1,300.

Maybe not.

I know I would freak if I was them though.


Y'know...If you sat me down with a bright lightbulb over my head in a cramped, smoke-filled room and beat it out of me, I'd probably pick April Fools Day as my favorite holiday. Only because I would want the pistol whipping to stop and Christmas and Halloween apparently weren't the answers you were looking for.

That said ... with April Fool's Day right around the corner, I thought I would share some pranks you may be able to play on your friends, family and strangers this year that will not only provide lots of laughs, but could ultimately get you killed. Which, after all, is what April Fool's Day is all about.: Cheating death while watching your friends act like social turds.

* Tell your victim that there's a gas station 30 miles away that is selling gas for 99 cents a gallon. Make them drive all the way there before they realize you were just pulling their leg.

* Call a friend and convince them that you're an auditor with the IRS and you want to stop by tomorrow and go over their taxes with them.

* Leave a decomposed deer carcass in a friend's bathtub.

* Go to Krystal or White Castle and order something with "real meat" in it.

* Call Domino's and order a dozen supreme pizzas to be delivered to Pizza Hut.

* Call in a bomb threat to Saddam Hussein's mansion but do it in Elmer Fudd's voice.

* Put on a devil mask and secretly slip into the monkey house at the zoo and wave at everyone as they file by.

* Spit a mouthful of plain yogurt onto the ground in front of friends and say "This damned phlegm..."

* Batter and deep fry your spouse's undergarments.

* Go to your local movie theater and try to convince the box office person that you are Tom Hanks and you never pay for movies, then shove the ticket taker to the floor as you brush past them.

* Convince your local television news director that you have a hot news flash, but you won't tell it until you're placed in front of a live TV camera. Once you're in front of the camera, scream "Howard Stern Rules!" and then run head on into whichever camera has the little red light on.

* Hire a prostitute for your grandfather.

* Present your mother with an abstract oil portrait of a nude Oprah.

* Kick a friend in the shin and emphasize that you were raised in Uganda where April Fool's is celebrated by inflicting pain on your friends.

* Ask your mailman if they would like a sandwich. When they say "sure", walk away and go watch some television.

* Leave a co-worker a note that a Mr. Fox called while they were out and give them the number to the Zoo. Do this over and over again, using names like Mr. Bare, Mr. Lyons and Don King(donkey). Trust me, your local zoo will LOVE these calls.

* Call a friend's wife to tell her that you didn't want to be the one to tell her, but her husband has gotten another woman pregnant.

* Call your boss in the middle of the night and scream "SLUT FUCKER!! SLUT FUCKER!!" over and over again until he hangs up.

* Switch your lover's shaving cream with Nair.

* Tell a small child that on April Fool's Day, ALL ADULTS must give him candy and toys ... THAT'S what April Fool's Day is all about. Trust me ... little kids fall for this one every single time. It's kinda funny to watch them cry when they realize they've been duped, but hey ... APRIL FOOL'S, KID!!!

* Convince a friend with low self esteem that they have a "wandering eye" and it's distracting to people when they talk to them.

* Secretly sprinkle itching powder in a co-worker's hair every day for a month until they scratch out an entire section of hair. On May 1st, say "APRIL FOOLS!!!" They'll get the joke then.

* Drive real fast and recklessly all day until you get pulled over. When the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" say "That's your job, Fuckface, I wasn't paying attention."

If you can manage to pull off at least one of these amazing pranks, you'll win the admiration of friends and families and spread some joy and goodwill as well.

Trust yer old Uncle Bob on this one.

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