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09:52:08 - 2001-03-15

JUST YOUR AVERAGE ELECTRO-MAGNETIC ASS MASSAGE

Ah'm so damned mad at my in-laws ...

Okay ... for like A MONTH they've been saying they were coming to town on March 14th. They'd be here roughly around noon, they'd spend the night and then on March 15th, they'd be gone.

Yesterday was March 14th.

Guess who the fuck didn't show up for dinner last night??

If you guessed "the in-laws", you receive a very special Diaryland punch in the mouth, which is the same as a punch in the mouth ... it just doesn't hurt as much.

At 11 a.m. yesterday ... ELEVEN FUCKING A.FUCKING M.... my sister-in-law calls Susie at work to tell her that since the weather has been SOOOO bad all week, they decided to stay one extra day down at the beach.

11 a.m.

Now then...you CANNOT tell me that they didn't know they were going to do this the night before and that they couldn't have called the night before.

You CANNOT tell me they didn't know about this at 7 or 8 a.m. yesterday morning and tell us that before we went to work.

You CANNOT tell me that they knew they were going to stay down at the beach for one more day BEFORE every single one of us here in town readjusted our schedules to accomodate them.

Here's the stuff I cancelled or postponed:

1) A dentist appointment ... postponed until Monday.

2) Work ... I took the majority of the day off because they were coming straight to our house and someone needed to let them in.

3) Meetings with some restaurants for my Biggest Rat campaign.

4) Lunch with Mattie Gee.

5) The Celebrity Rodeo Competition. I would have had to ride a mechanical bull, but I woulda got paid $50 to do it. I'd take naked pics of my mom for fifty bucks, dude.

Gosh. It seems like a whole lot more. But I guess that's it.

Susie calls me yesterday at 11:10 a.m. at home where I was vacuuming the floor one more time before they got here.

"They're not coming 'til tomorrow," she said.

Granted ... that was a blessing in disguise. I dread having 16 people in my house at any given time, especially when half of those are children and the other half are adults who get on my every single last nerve.

So they're coming today sometime. Unfortunately ... we have lives and they were put on hold YESTERDAY for these people. So today, they're going to have to spend their time in the city at the mall, waiting for us to get off from work to come let them in the house.

ANNNND...I have a meeting tonight at 5:30, so I won't be home until 7 or 8:00 tonight, missing dinner (tacos). I'll come home to a houseful of in-laws, kids physically fighting over who's going to play the next Play Station game, nephews frantically searching for porno on the computer, adults waiting for me to entertain their sorry asses with my shining wit and ... and...and...cold tacos.

Here's what I hate...in-laws that have no consideration for what everyone goes through to accomodate them.

And here's the kicker...it rained like a bitch at the beach yesterday, keeping them inside for one more day that they had to pay for.

Dumbasses.

It's called "The Weather Channel", you dipshits. Look into it.

Sheesh.


In the 90 minutes that I DID spend at the office yesterday, I spent 30 of those getting an electro-magnetic massage.

Some of you may be wondering "Uncle Bob...what is an electro-magnetic massage?"

And I will answer "It's a real shitty massage that leaves you feeling like you just had a butterfly land on your shoulder."

This was perhaps the lamest massage I've ever received. I've had dogs give me better massages than this one.

For ten minutes, this guy explains the electro-magnetic massage to me.

He's laid a thin mattress on top of a desk at work. The mattress has that "eggcrate-shape" thing on it that was all the rage back in the 80s ... but on the tip of each eggcrate thing is a magnet that's supposed to "rejuvenate" you.

Wonderful. I can't wait.

Then they put this blanket on you that will keep you warm if you're cold or cool if you're hot.

Wonderful. I can't wait.

Then you rest your head on this pillow that ALWAYS stays cool...never gets warm...because it has four ceramic tiles inside it that project coolness.

So I'm going to end up like Fonzie, projecting coolness.

Wonderful. I can't wait.

I lay face down on this crap and I feel like I'm laying down on a cheap, flimsy eggcrate thing with a blanket thrown over me.

Wonderful. This sucks.

The guy then pulls out some cheap assed roller thing for my back and rolls up and down my back for about 20 minutes.

I've gotta admit, that felt good. Except the guy kept ENDING the roll at my ass. So I had this guy basically massaging my ass yesterday.

I've never had another man massage my ass before. I've gotta say, the guy knew how to get in there and get those ass muscles in sync. I felt like I was in the beginning of a gay porn video. Not that I've ever seen a gay porn video, but I would imagine they start with guys getting ass massages and laying face down on an eggcrate mattress, moaning seductively.

Which I was.

The only part that did anything for me was the rolling thing up and down my back. The masseuse kept insisting that the magnets in the mattress would make me feel great all day and add an hour of energy to my day.

Uh-huh.

Which would explain my two hour nap yesterday afternoon.

Dumbass.

I shoulda checked his driver's license to see if he was an in-law of mine.


I bought the "Almost Famous" DVD yesterday because everyone I've ever met in my entire life told me I'd love the movie.

So I bought it. Watched it. Liked it. But didn't LOVE it.

I dunno ... I could POSSIBLY fall in love with it. I think I was just so irritated with my in-laws and my shitty massage that I couldn't get into the flick.

I did get a little misty-eyed at times during the film. But I think that was more from the stench from my dog's ass than the actual film.

Yes...the dog's ass is ripe these days. She's at that age where she has uncontrollable gas ... and it smells like she's farting fermented chipmunks.

I'm really tired of the smell, but what can you do? She's been an indoor dog all her life, I can't just lock her outside now.

I can't give her away, because the market for elderly gassy dogs just isn't what it used to be.

I can't have her put to sleep because she's not ready for it yet and plus my wife would kill me.

I can't leave her out in the street or toss her out there every time a car comes speeding down the street.

I could...

But I shouldn't.

I dunno. I still love the dog I guess ... I'm just sick of her gassy ass.

Gassy ass.

I sound like a Mexican with a speech impediment saying "thank you".

Gassy ass.

Anyway ... the movie was pretty good. Had some great scenes to it. Thumbs up. Rent it today.


Since we didn't have tacos last night because my in-laws wanted to spend one more fucking day in a condo at the beach staring out the window at yet another thunderstorm, we had to scramble to come up with something for dinner last night.

We decided on Gorton's Lemon Pepper fish fillets. You can cook them in a skillet and they're YUM-YUM!!

Of course ... it helps if you don't place them in a skillet, forget to set the timer for seven minutes and then go lay down and play with your baby until the smoke in the house begins to turn black.

Burnt fish filets anyone??

Lemme tell you something about burnt fish, my friend ... it's not that bad.

I told Susie to think of it as "Blackened fish" and me as "Chef Paul Prudhomme".

She said I was as big as Paul Prudhomme.

I said she was an insensitive bitch who thought she was too good to eat blackened fish Uncle Bob-style.

She kicked me in the 'nads.

I slapped the nose off her face.

The police came and took me to jail.

I did four years in solitary because I couldn't get along with the other inmates due to the fact that I refused to give up the ass for the big guys.

Once out of prison I couldn't get a job and had to settle for being a male hustler on the seedy side of town. Which was highly ironic since I wouldn't give booty calls in prison, but was the slut of the streets once I got out.

Yep.

Burnt fish last night.

Sure beats eating tacos with screaming gluttonous in-laws.


Hey, I dunno about you ... but I was SHOCKED at the turn of events on "Survivor" last night.

I was POSITIVE it was Jerri's turn to extinguish her torch and get the hell off the island.

She's so despicable. I can't believe people are still siding with her.

Yep.

That's my rant for "Survivor" this morning.

As you can tell, I'm exhausted from my other rants and had nothing left for "Survivor".

My apologies.

I hate Jerri.

*sigh*


That's it. I've purged enough venom out of my soul this morning.

I feel better already.

Thanks for listening.

Oh...and thanks for all the accolades poured on my handsome, handsome baby boy.

He is adorable, isn't he??

I'm so proud of my little buddy.


MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

THE FUGEES: "Killing Me Softly"

It's songs like this that make me wish I had been born black so that I would look cooler when jamming to the groove.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!


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