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07:36:41 - 2000-04-03

WHERE THE HELL IS AUNTIE EM??

A quick note...for those of you who didn't check out my remarks on the Message Board...don't bother reviewing me on my People Page for the time being. Apparently, the thing is only built to handle 100 reviews, and I hit that last week. Since then, 15 reviews have been turned in and none of them posted. Ianomalous has assured me that the situation will be rectified, after I bombarded him with several hundred emails signed "Anonymous".

The fact that you people can't tell me how much I rock your world makes me sad. Not "Last Episode of Seinfeld" sad ... more like "Your Mother's Been Kidnapped By Israeli Terrorists" sad.

Anyway...don't review me until further notice. You're just wasting your own time as well as Bill Gates' time.

...Because...as we all know...Bill Gates oversees EVERYTHING on the Internet.

Soooo...last night we had a doozy of a tornado warning here in Alabama.

About 6:15, the sirens started going off. This is no big deal because, after all, it's Alabama and these idiots turn the sirens on every time it begins to sprinkle.

So I turn the TV on to a local channel and, of course, the weather man is going ballistic.

"GET IN YOUR BASEMENT NOWWWWWW!!!!"

Okay...here in Alabama, very few homes have basements.

Hell...only the big $250,000+ homes have garages.

So I yelled back at the television "I DON'T HAVE A BASEMENT YOU SACK O' SHIT".

Luckily...I yelled so loud that the weatherman heard me.

"Or an interior room in your home, preferably a hallway or a bathroom."

Hmmm...decisions, decisions.

Rather than stand there and debate on the hallway or bathroom, I decided to go outside and check out the cloud rotation.

Ummmmm....what cloud? The fucking sky was BLACK.

I hurried up and ran back inside the den, this time...panic-stricken.

"WHERE THE HELL DID THE SUN GO???" I yelled at the weatherman.

This time he had no answer for me. He was too busy talking about tornados hitting our airport.

Geez Louise. Like THAT'S more important than my question...

I sat down and watched the live camera shots from Sky Watch 32 as the lightning danced around the capital city, blanketed by a large, ominous cloud.

And I gotta admit...I was a tad spooked.

Maybe this was the real thing. Finally...after 16 years of no tornados in this city...we were going to be smacked upside the head by one pissed off Mother Nature.

I wussed out.

I grabbed the dog and we huddled in the hallway under a makeshift fort of blankets and pillows while the wife was at church.

We sat there and silently prayed for our lives for a few minutes. Well...I prayed. The dog licked her genitalia.

I then heard a whoosh of wind hit the side of the house and I thought I heard the front door opening.

I braced for the worst.

"What are you doing," I heard my wife say.

I gotta admit...I was a tad embarrassed. In all the years she's known me, she's never seen me wuss out to a storm.

"Ummm...playing hide and seek with the dog," I stuttered, getting up off the floor and brushing my ass off. "What are you doing home? You shouldn't be on the road during a tornado."

She snorted. "It's rain, stupid...not a tornado."

Five minutes later, the rain stopped and the air got eerily still.

"Here comes the F-5!!!" I screamed like Helen Hunt in "Twister".

Ummmmm....no.

The storm actually ended at that moment.

The sun came out for a brief visit before being subdued by the darkness of night.

I survived yet another rain storm.

Jesus loves me, yes I know.

Or else I'd be hanging upside down from a tree limb like a tattered Raggedy Andy.

GoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JESUS!! HEYYYYYYYYYYY JESUS!!

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