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09:14:18 - 2000-11-27

MY DOG HAS NO IDEA WHO "UNCLE BOB" IS

Man ... these baby monitors...

I guess I'm talking about them quite a bit because when I'm writing my diary these days, I have a baby monitor right behind me, and like ... every minute this baby is making some kinda noise right now and I've gotta run off to make sure it's not smothering itself to death because Susie and her sister have him sleeping peacefully on his belly ... something you're NOT supposed to be doing these days according to every single pediatrician out there.

I'm asking the doctor about it by Friday, that is, if the kid LIVES until Friday. My God...I'm scared to death to let the kid sleep on his belly.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

Anyway...I'm up every several minutes to check on the little guy. Right now he's got the hiccups, and with this monitor up so loud, it sounds like a dog barking behind me every time he hiccups.

These baby monitors indeed ...

Sunday...let's see ... I cooked blueberry muffins for breakfast while my wife and her sister showered and dressed (not together... for you pervs) ... we went to church and I almost passed out from exhaustion. I think it was the longest I had sat since the conception of time and I know that on three separate occasions, my eyes rolled back in my head. The pastor musta thought I needed an exorcist.

We then went to Office Depot for one reason ... to get a 50-pack of CDs for FREE after rebates.

The price was $29.99. The instant rebate was $10, which meant I would pay $19.99. And then they would give me a rebate form to fill out and get $20 back, thus making the CDs FREE.

Have you all got me now??

Do we all understand the concept of "Free", "Instant Rebate" and "Mail-In Rebate"??

Good. Follow along.

I get this ignorant piece of Alabama trailer trash hound dog shit of a cashier waiting on me. Fucking Forrest Gump would run circles around this woman in an IQ test. She was dumber than a stump. Had no business being employed anywhere until she re-enrolled in kindergarten and start it all over again like Billy Madison which was a movie I didn't particularly care for, I'm merely COMPARING the two.

DON'T ... get me started...

So this dumbass at first rings up the wrong price and the stuff has to be voided out and rung up at the right price.

She rings it up again and says "64.99"

Ummmmm....no. $21-something...that's it.

She looks at the little digital window with the pretty numbers and says "Nope. Says right here...$64.99."

Okay ... I LOVE to find false advertising. I guess if you were ever going to consider me a perv, consider me a perv for false advertising. If a store flyer says "CDs...$29.99" and they're $65 .... yeah....that's going to allow me to use the "false advertising" trump card.

I choose not to use my trump card at this point.

Well...ha ha ...okay...oh...this is a good one...

....apparently, I grabbed the wrong CDs.

So the assistant manager goes to get the right CDs.

Comes back, shoves one in my hand and clearly doesn't like what he sees in my eyes. And that's because I'm one of the most ruthless false advertising pervert sonsofbitches in the south.

I thank the assie manager and he gives me one of those fake assed "Thank you for shopping at Office Depot" smirks.

Hey guess what man? Fuck you. If you didn't have this fantastic assed deal, I wouldn't be in your hellhole of a business right now anyway.

The girl scans them.

The bill is $31.79 or some shit like that.

I'm like...okay ... now take off the $10 instant rebate.

Nope. There is no $10 instant rebate.

I came THISCLOSE to opening up a can of Kung Fu-inspired whoop-ass on this girl's candy ass, but my better judgement told me "ummmmm....no".

The store manager came over and rang up the $10 instant rebate and this moronic chunk of flesh says "Well, how should I have known that? I've only worked here two weeks."

Oh...that's priceless, honey. You've worked here two weeks, through the busiest shift on the busiest shopping day of the year and you never had to do a single instant rebate on all these bizarre sales you're having until right now??

So now, after 15 minutes of standing here with this girl, she finally gets it to where it's ringing up "$21.99" or whatever...I never remember the change part. Sue me.

We then go to Walmart's Super Center. I love that place...you have a walmart and you have a grocery store with cool items. You can't go wrong, baby.

Came home, put up groceries and I passed out in bed for two hours. When I woke up...houseload of in-laws.

For some reason, I can take the in-laws right now. I guess because they're here for the kid and I know that and expected it.

Plus, Susie's sister Sandy didn't bring her four boys. That helps in retaining Uncle Bob's sanity.

So they all talked while I cooked dinner. Our kitchen is adjacent to our den, so it wasn't like I was in another room ... I was a quiet part of the proceedings.

Dinner was ready so I started walking around the house, mainly to check on the two boys...ages 13 and 10.

They were supposed to be playing Play Station.

They were on the internet.

Now...this is the same 13-year-old I caught surfing for porn during our yard sale this past summer.

Guess what they were surfing for?

Uh-huh.

The "P" word.

And I ain't talkin' Pokemon.

It was kinda cute because the 13 year old was on the floor playing Play Station when I walked up. The 10 year old was in the bathroom.

As I walked in, the 10 year old ran down the hallway, into the room, rounded the corner and came face to face with the opening page to a porno site.

"Whatcha lookin' for on the Internet," I asked the 10 year old.

"Pokemon" he said. "But this window keeps popping up."

Uh huh. He had went looking for nakedladies.com and ran into those endless pop-up windows that crop up eight at a time. So now, blowjob pics were coming up in rapid succession, several at a time.

I gave them some advice.

"You've got to close them as soon as they come up. It's kinda like whacking the weasel at the fair. Only right now, you're whacking your weasel in your Uncle Bob's living room, and he doesn't like that one bit. Soo...if I ever catch you guys looking at naked pictures on my computer again, I'm going to have to tell your parents."

I think they got the picture.

They left about 7 p.m. We ate dinner (Fiesta chicken, spanish rice and garlic rolls...chef Uncle Bob at yer service), talked and I went to bed at 9. I never got up after that ... I think it was all Susie and her sister taking care of Andy. Since we started putting him on his tummy, to his credit, the boy has slept MUCH better.

As I typed that, he started getting fussy.

Anyway...that was my day...how was yours??

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