HOW TO MAKE A BABY STOP CRYING

Goochie fuckin' goo.

See? I'm gonna be a GREAT parent!! You scratch a baby's chin for hours and keep saying "Goochie Fuckin' Goo" over and over again, and THAT keeps a baby happy.

At least ... that's what the lady in the Winn Dixie check-out line kept doing yesterday.

I'm standing in line with a cart full of frozen food and dairy products, which means ... I'M IN A DAMNED HURRY HERE, LADY.

This lady has a baby ... maybe two months old. I'm not positive on that, I didn't card the damned thing.

The baby is screaming like it's being forced to watch "Meet Joe Black" and ....

.........

......which diary is this?!?.....

Oh, snap....alright.....

Forget the "Joe Black" remark....the baby was screaming like an otter was chewing on its toes.

*whew*

(Bob exhales sharply)

Anyway ...

It was obvious to me as a soon-to-be first time parent, that the baby was mentally disturbed. Upon first glance, I wanted to diagnose schizophrenia, but I thought it'd sound kinda strange if I just blurted out "Sooooo....schizophrenic baby??"

The mother was trying to rub the baby's chin off while saying "Goochie gooooooo" over and over like a teenage Catholic slut says the "Hail Mary" at night.

Sorry ... a dig on a former girlfriend who will never see this and the inside joke wouldn't make any sense to any of you. My apology if I offended any Catholic sluts out there.

I then realized the baby was screaming because its mother was about to dislocate its little baby jaw.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't abuse by any means.

But shouldn't you kinda focus on somewhere then just a dime-sized spot on a baby's chin to rub it to calm it down??

That baby ain't gonna have no chin when it grows up. It's gonna have a neck and then a mouth ... kinda like a bird-person.

Sorry to any bird-people out there that I may have just offended.

But hey, if there's a chance that you could ever be offended by the written word ... you're in the wrong place anyway, dude.

Anyway ... I'm gonna be a good parent.

If I can just drop my habit of using the word "fuck" on a regular basis, I'll do fucking great.

I was watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" last night and the very first Millionaire from the show came back on the show to win some money for charity.

This guy is sooooo proud of the fact that he didn't have to use a lifeline when he won the million dollars a few months ago.

Last night, he was doing the same thing ... zipping right through the questions without using a lifeline.

Until he got a question about an opera.

Mr. Smarty Pants With His Fancy Glasses and Fancy Car Millionaire didn't know JACK SQUAT about opera.

...Neither did I. But I'm not Joe Smug, going on TV and showing everyone my enlarged brain capacity.

Well ... actually I am. But I'm only on local cable access. Call your cable company for more information concerning local cable access in your area.

So tonight, Mr. Velvet Underwear gets to finish up his quest to win a second million dollars.

And as much as I despise this cocky butthead...I'm tuning in.

Just to see if Regis pees his pants again when the guy wins.

Hey ...it could happen ...