Okay .... it's 5:03 a.m. It's time for another sexy installment of "The First Time..."(TM)

It's time I told you people about The First Time I had anal sex with a donkey.

Ha! I kid ... I kid....Don Rickles ain't got shit on me ...Actually...today's story is entitled ...

THE FIRST TIME I EVER HAD REALLY BAD SEX WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE EXCELLENT

To you younger Diaryuhhhheads, you probably don't think there is anything BUT good sex.

Ow Contrare, mon frere.

There's shitloads of people out there capable of giving you the absolute worst sex you can imagine.

Fair warning: I plan on losing a lot of respect today from you people. That's chilly. It's time to weed out the sissy boys from the real men anyway. Carry on soldier.

It was 1985 and I was managing a Waffle House, and ....

(Uncle Bob waits for the snorts and giggles to slow down)

I can stand up here all day you know. I'm not continuing until you people can conduct yourselves in a mature fashion.

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So anyway, I'm managing a Waffle House and this girl Suzie works for me. Suzie is a pretty girl (for a Waffle House waitress ... she was no beauty queen) and she had a huge crush on me because I'm not only the handsomest guy in the restaurant (i.e. I have all my teeth and no tattoos above my shoulders), but I'm the man with all the power. I'm MANAGER, baby!!! If I tell you to do something...YOU DO IT!!

Christ...I was a horrible manager. Don't let me fool you.

Anyway, I couldn't go out with Suzie because of being manager and employee and all. Plus, I didn't want to. She was very loud and sooooo in lust with me that it made it hard to be around her. She was constantly kissing my ass over something, and I can't stand that.

Anyway, one night, Suzie's friend is waiting for her to finish her shift. I can't remember the girl's name now, except it was an ugly name. Something like Ethel. I remember sitting in my office behind the two way mirror (all Waffle Houses have them...check it out by the door next time) and checking out Suzie's friend, Ethel. Ethel was tall with long dark hair and a helluva lot quieter than Suzie. She wasn't a model ... but just more attractive to me. We had already met a few times, and she was always cordial.

I decided to play Joe Smooth Manager...

I went out to the dining area (heh..."dining" in a Waffle House...get real), chatted with Ethel who then asked me if I wanted to get some beer after work and hang out with her and Suzie. It took me a few seconds to decide.

So, we get some beer and the three of us are riding around in my brand new Chevy Camaro Berlinetta. This thing was so cool because the radio came up out of the floorboard and swiveled around. Plus it had T-tops and was just my coolest bachelor car ever. It would look cheesy and rednecky as hell now, but then it was da shiznit.

We got some beer and somebody had a few joints on them, so we drove up and down this stretch of highway that cops never really patrolled and got trashed. The whole time, we kept passing this sleazy motel that I had spent a few nights in in my day....The Pine Lake Motel.

For $25 at the Pine Lake, you could get a HoneyRoom with a king sized waterbed and a mirror on the ceiling. Some day I will go into some of the things I did at the Pine Lake previously...today it's this story. Don't get ahead of yerself, ya little perv. One perv story at a time.

Anyway, I finally get bold and ask these two if we should stop at the Pine Lake, get a room, hang out and get really messed up.

They both say it sounds like a great idea.

I spring for the room (whatta guy) and we pile into the "HoneyRoom".

All three of us get on the bed, (me in the middle) and stare up at the mirror and laugh. None of us can believe we're here and I can't believe I'm staring into a mirror on the ceiling with a gal on either side of me.

Being a gentleman and a scholar...I begin to kiss Suzie first. She was the one who had the crush here. Personally, I dug Ethel. She was nothing I'd take home to mom, but she was sexy in a roundabout way.

I then quit kissing Suzie, turned my head and pulled Ethel close and kissed her. She seemed cool with this.

I made the suggestion that we all took our pants off and tried to touch the mirror with our feet.

Christ...I missed my calling. I coulda directed porn shoots....

Everyone agreed to do that. It was fun, but I was beginning to sport wood, so it was time for the shenanigans to stop and for the lovin' to commence.

I began kissing Ethel deeply and got a case of "Roman Hands".

Ethel then decides to make a decision that had "Sucks" written all over it.

"I think I'm going to go over here and sit in the corner and just watch you two."

Surrrvey SAYS!!!......EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I tried to act like that didn't bother me, for Suzie's sake. But now I was laying in bed with Suzie while Kim Basinger decides to get her kink on in the corner.

I remember climbing on top of Suzie and figuring, let's get this over with. Suzie was ummmmmm....obviously not expecting to get laid that evening. She was ummmmm....she was day old bread if you get my drift. Not so fresh.

I nearly choked during the first whiff of our sex. I had not ONCE looked down at her body. I was scared to look down.

Meanwhile, Ethel is sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed watching and doing God knows what to herself.

After about two minutes of pity sex that I never wanted, but would have taken in a package deal, my brain raced for a solution to this quandry.

I pretended to just pass out drunk.

I rolled off of her and said "Whoa...gimme a minute to catch my breath." And then 30 seconds later I was fake snoring.

They both sat there, not knowing what to do. Suzie tried to shake me awake but I wasn't having any of that. Finally, they poured beer on my face.

Not cool.

I'm so embarrassed to admit this next portion of the story, because I am NOT a bad-tempered person. But I figured at this point, if I ACTED pissed off, this night would be over.

I said "What the fuck did you do that for?" They thought I might be dying and were trying to revive me.

Yeah ... four beers, two joints and I'm a dead man, baby. Christ...I have that for breakfast each day.

So I bolt out of bed and tell them to both get dressed, we're outta here.

Everyone gets dressed, Suzie's crying because she only got two minutes of lovin' from her fantasy stud boss, I felt like shit for screwing an employee just to screw her friend who didn't wanna screw at the time, and her friend felt like shit for pouring beer on my face and ruining the evening.

God...looking back on it now 15 years later....I was such an asshole. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do ... give this girl what she had been waiting for while I enjoyed the ultimate male fantasy ... AGAIN (The first time went MUCH better. I was going to write about that but....the details...heh...I've gotta work up the balls to give y'all the details of THAT NIGHT)

While typing this I started thinking ... I was mainly mad because Ethel had decided not to participate at the moment. Well...that and I was having sex with a human sewage plant. But who's to say Ethel wouldn't have EVENTUALLY made her way back into the Bed o' Bob?? Maybe she just wanted sloppy seconds and wanted to let the one with the crush go first.

*sigh*

I feel like such a pig relaying this story today. But all I did was attempt to have sex with a girl with absolutely no feelings for her whatsoever just to make her dream come true.

It's the fact that I didn't finish the job that makes me feel the worst.

Does that make me a bad person?

This site makes me feel like a natural woman.

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