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10:23:37 - 2000-09-09

BARK THIS, YOU SONOFABITCH

Welllllllll now....

My diatribe against those fucking white trash dogs yesterday was a bit premature.

Lemme explain.

I CALLED the animal control people Thursday morning and asked that they come pick the dogs up after they attacked me and my dog on Thursday.

They said they'd be right out.

I left for work.

And APPARENTLY nobody came.

Why do I say "apparently"??

One guess.

Because we were attacked AGAIN yesterday.

Picture this:

6:15 a.m. Me and the dog are walking down the street.

I see the younger of the two dogs sitting in their front yard and think "Holy shit," they didn't get picked up.

The younger dog is the nicer dog. It still attacks, but only because the mother dog initiates the attack.

The mother dog was nowhere to be seen, so I thought we were off scot-free.

Wrong.

The younger dog lets out a little "Yip".

...And that mother dog comes tearing down their driveway straight to us.

I'm trying the old "Stomp Towards The Dog" trick, but to no avail. That dog pounces on Maggie, DOESN'T BITE, but just jumps on her while the younger dog is snarling and getting dangerously close to biting Maggie.

This flips Maggie over, who's desperately trying to protect herself, but she's 11 years old and not the most fit dog on the planet. Meanwhile, this muscular dog may be 3 years old tops and is strong.

I start yelling outside the white trash home at 6:15 a.m.

YELLING.

And not just "Heyyyyyyyyy!! Whooooooooooaaa!! Stop you guys!!!"

Nope. I'm cussing like Madonna in a bedroom with a fleet full of sailors.

Prepare yourself.

"GODDAMN YOU MOTHERFUCKING SONS OF BITCH FUCK DOGS, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US!!! GET!!! GET!!!!"

I mean, I was SCREAMING.

I even threw my keys at them. Like that's going to stop a muscular dog.

The lights were on in the white trash home, but they didn't even bother to come to the window.

The neighbor across the street came out to see what the fuss was all about. He said, and I fucking quote, "Those dogs givin' you trouble?"

Christ almighty. My dog's laying on her back in the middle of the street, I'm screaming my ass off and these two labradores are circling us and pouncing on my dog.

Yeah, you fucking dipshit...I'm having a little trouble over here.

I said one thing.

"I've had it with these dogs. They're going to the pound TODAY."

My fat assed dog finally gets on her feet and I pull her away and we continue our walk.

We get home a few minutes later and I call Animal Control.

I explained that I had called yesterday to get these dogs picked up, I then went to work and it looks to me like nobody came out.

They didn't.

I told them over the phone to send someone out NOW, that I had been attacked three times this week by the same dogs, and that I had talked to the owners who didn't do jack about it and I had had ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP.

They said they'd send someone out.

AN HOUR LATER, an old woman pulls up in a truck.

"Having problems with dogs?" she asks.

I just let it all out. Told her what these dogs had done, etc.

SHE WAS ON MY SIDE!!!!

OH JOY OF JOYS!!! SHE RELATES TO ME!!!!

Apparently, I'm not the FIRST to call the pound on these dogs. They had come out in January to talk to the owner (who she said was "kinda a jerk"....no shit, lady). Since January, they had numerous calls about the dogs but could never find the dogs.

I explained that the dogs roam the neighborhood, shitting in everyone's yards and starting shit with the good dogs who are fenced in in their back yards.

I asked what could be done about this and would she PLEASE take the dogs away.

She said she couldn't take the dogs away. But she COULD issue the owners a $200 citation for letting their dogs run free.

Well, shit.

"So what happens if they don't pay the $200," I asked, not really thinking.

"It's like a speeding ticket," the lady explained. "If they don't pay the $200, they go to jail."

At that point, I KNOW I grinned a huge grin and did a little dance in the street.

That fucking white trash asshole's gotta pay $200!!! He mows yards for a living and has pieces of shit cars!!! There's NO WAY he has $200 lying around!!!

I got the last laugh, after all.

She asks if the dogs are still running free, because she's never been able to catch the dogs before.

I told her I didn't know and that they had been sitting in their front yard the last time I had checked about 20 minutes before.

She looked down the street and said "Is that them?"

OH JOY OF JOYS!!! THEY WERE STILL OUT!!!

Wait! It gets better!

The lady drives down to the house to give them their citation.

Well, whadda ya know? Nobody would come to the door to answer it.

And gee willikers...since nobody would come to the door to even put the dogs in the backyard...the animal control lady COULDN'T let the dogs just roam around the neighborhood....

... So both dogs got carted away to Doggie Jail.

Okay ... I haven't been this happy and excited since NBC cancelled "The Facts of Life".

Not even when Susie told me I was going to be a Daddy did I get this giddy.

The Animal Control Lady came back to my house and told me she had picked up the dogs because nobody would come to the door.

Each dog had a $35 pickup fee. That's $70.

Each dog had a $10 per day boarding fee. That's $20 per day.

PLUS the citation STILL had to be paid.

We're talking $290 IIIIF they went and picked the dogs up yesterday.

If not, the amount grows by $20 a day.

I do believe that I had an orgasm when she told me that. I know I shivered all over and found a mayonnaise like substance in my boxers once I walked back in the house.

Coulda been a yeast infection. But I seriously doubt it.

Anywhooo...the dogs were FINALLY picked up...the owners MUST pay a healthy fine to get them back ... and if they don't, that white trash piece of shit is going to OZ, BAYBEEEEE!!!!

Needless to say, it was the highlight of my day.

'Cept now, my poor OLD dog is limping around terribly. I think that being pounced on and getting twisted up in her leash hurt her in some way.

And let's get something straight...I'm NOT the type of person who just thrills in doing shit like this constantly. I AM a dog lover.

But when the dogs are vicious and the owners let them run free around the neighborhood to attack any dog they want... by God...I'm a firm believer in what I did was the right thing.

Susie felt guilty last night doing it. I felt like a law abiding citizen who protected not only his family and his dog, but the entire neighborhood. Hell...subdivision.

And I'll be honest...I felt GREAT doing it. I felt SANCTIFIED, BAYBEEEE!!!

They've been warned by Animal Control to keep their dogs locked up. My wife has left a note on their door pleading with them to take care of their animals. And I TOLD him on Monday that the next time they were out, they were going to the pound.

I do believe that's what they call "Fair Warning", bud.

It's time for our walk now. I have two tree limbs on my front porch that I've carried with me the last two weeks on our walk.

Today, I'm leaving them on the porch and hoping for the best.

***************************************

QUESTION OF THE WEEKEND

Would you feel guilty after sending another family's dogs to the pound?

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