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10:32:31 - 2001-01-20

TWO BIRTHDAY SUNDAES ... HOLD THE CLAPPING AND SCREECHING PLEASE

Ahhhhhh.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, guys. They were much appreciated.

Oh...who am I kidding? I gave you guys a FAKE LINK to leave me messages yesterday and you STILL managed to wish me Happy Birthday.

....rubble scrubble readers....

(Bob kicks a rock out of disgust)

Sooooo...how did the birthday go???

As Tony the Tiger would say ... "Grrrrrrrrrrrreat!!!"

Then, of course, Tony would chomp off a small child's arm who was trying to pet him and send the small child to an emergency room in a state of catatonic shock.

First off ... NOBODY at work wished me a Happy Birthday.

You don't know HOW great that is. I got in and out of there without a single "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!".

THAT was Heaven!!

It rained ALL DAY, with a SEVERE THUNDERSTORM about 9 a.m.

Okay ... I LOVE rainy days. You throw a SEVERE THUNDERSTORM with TORNADO WARNINGS in there ... and damnation...THAT'S a beautiful day in my book!

Uprooted trees ... power lines down ... people sitting in the dark .... IT WAS GREAT!!!

...You know...as long as MY power didn't go out...

Which it didn't.

I left work at 1:30 in the afternoon and went to buy Susie a gift certificate at a local spa.

I got her enough for a two hour massage, two hour-long massages or four 30-minute massages ... whichever she prefers.

She was tickled pink. Or at least a light shade of peach.

I spent the afternoon with my boy, playing and talking. Pure excellence. I SWEAR at one point, he was playing with his toys and he said "Mommy".

It came out "MAHHH MEE"...but dammit...that's Mommy in my book.

Not even three months old yet.

He's a genius.

A genius I'm tellin' ya.

...Granted...I'm his DADDY, not his Mommy. But hey ... you take what you can get out of an infant.

Susie then gave me my b-day present, which was a total shock because I wasn't expecting one.

A brand new watch!!

I haven't worn a watch in about three years. My last watch's band broke and I just never bothered to fix it. I've learned how to get through life without ever knowing what time it is, relying heavily on my inner clock. But this is a really cool watch, a total surprise and a cool gift.

We then went to Longhorn Steakhouse for dinner. I'm not much for chain steakhouses, but all the good local steak places have closed down because of corporate steaks.

...rubble scrubble corporate steaks.

I had the cajun Prime Rib which is wonderful. Susie had the renegade, which I guess is okay.

The people in the booth behind me had a new little baby too. A little girl who was a few weeks older than Andy.

God. What a FAT little kid. I thought Andy was fat, but at least you can make out facial features on him.

Their kid looked like a pink basketball with a nose. Her eyes were sunk way back in her head. I was halfway scared that their monster baby was going to attack Andy.

The mother kept cooing over how cute Andy was. I was all like ... "Keep your kid away from mine. I don't want her fatness rubbing off on my boy."

Damn. That was one fat kid. I bet she ends up like that little Mexican girl who was taken away from her parents for being a little glutton.

I just bet.

So, after we're done eating, the waitress asks if we want any dessert.

I hesitated.

Then I said "It's both of our birthdays. Do we get any kinda free dessert for that?"

"Yes sir, we can give you some sundaes."

"Wonderful. Two free birthday sundaes. And Miss??"

"Yes??"

"I don't want ANYONE coming over to the table, clapping and singing some insane birthday song. Okay??"

"That's fine," she smiled.

"Thank you."

Five minutes later, loud clapping starts.

Oh shit.

About 47 employees come walking from around the wall carrying two fucking sundaes.

Like these kids didn't have tables to wipe down or anything.

I shrunk into my side of the booth. I HATE those stupid birthday songs. HATE 'EM. The only way I could hate them more is if Celine Dion came busting out of the kitchen to add a verse in her over-the-top delivery.

So they're standing around our booth, clapping and screaming like Susie and I were the Backstreet Boys or something. Andy was fucking TERRIFIED of this.

...Yes, you ignorant waitress ... there was a REASON I didn't want you to bring all your high school dropout co-workers over to the table screeching like banshees. It'll scare the living shit out of our baby, you baboon.

Andy started to cry, I jammed my pinky in his mouth, he was cool.

We ate our sundaes. Mine had a coffee ground in it. It was hard and it tasted like strong coffee.

Susie insisted it was an ice crystal. Gee honey ... you're probably right ... an ice crystal tastes SOOOO much like coffee grounds, huh??

Sheee-it.

I THINK I know a coffee ground when I bite into it.

We finished the sundaes, paid for the dinner when an older woman walks up to our table.

Turns out her name was Beverly and she used to go to our church, but is now going to another church.

We had never met, so Susie introduced us.

As it turned out, she was a BIG fan of my writing.

She babbled on about how I've captured the emotions of a first-time parent perfectly in my column. When she had her first child, all these thoughts were running through her head but she had never found anyone who conveyed those same thoughts like I had.

Then she starts talking about how her husband just LOVES me. He sits and reads my column and just HOWLS.

Okay. Let me meet the guy and make his day.

The guy comes walking up.

I swear to GOD, I thought it was Rain Man.

"This is my husband, Jim," Beverly says.

The guy averts his eyes and puts out his hand.

"Hi," I said, pumping his weak hand. "Uncle Bob here."

"Hi," the guy says, giggling.

This man MUST have been in his late 50s or so.

And it's not like I'm Eddie Murphy or anything. I'm a normal guy, out eating some Prime Rib. I'm not going to have one of my goons rip your spleen out if you happen to slip up and look me in the eye.

The man gave me the creeps.

Apparently ... this is my fan base. People I would never have anything to do with.

We came home, I called Scott who's in town from Indiana and told him to meet me here at the house at 7:30 a.m. as he will be accompanying me on a work assignment.

We're going out to this hunting tournament and meeting a bunch of celebrities and doing interviews with them this morning.

He's my official photographer.

He doesn't know this yet.

And I pray to God he knows how to take pictures.

We'll see.

Anyway ... have a great day! I may be here tomorrow ... I may not.

Probably not.

I need a break.

McDonald's said so.

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