IT'S BEEN A BEAR-Y GREAT DAY!

I'm going to have one happy little boy this Christmas...

I just got back from Big Lots (or...as it's commonly referred to ... a housewife's paradise) and purchased....get ready....are you ready?....

....a TALKING BEAR IN THE BIG BLUE HOUSE!!!!!!

I mean...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!

He was only 10 bucks too...that's probably the sweetest part of the deal.

I had seen in this morning's paper that they had Bear at Big Lots.

I told myself..."No way!"

I mean...I know that stores put out advertisements and advertise products in these advertisements...but there was NO WAY IN HELL that I could find a talking Bear for ten bucks.

Guess again, Slim.

Y'see...Andy is freakin' ADDICTED to Bear. He watches the Bear every morning and kicks his legs for 25 minutes non-stop. When Bear sings "Goodbye" at the end, Andy knows it's coming close to being over and starts fidgeting and freaking out...NO BEAR!!! DON'T LEAVE ME BEAR!!!!

Now, Bear will always be by his side. And he'll talk to Andy and even SNIFF Andy!!

Can you believe it??

MY GOD...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!!?

....Sorry.

As you may have noticed...I get excited over the littlest things.

My biggest problem as a parent is going to be keeping presents a surprise.

I would LOVE to give this to Andy now. I can't wait to see the little guy's face light up.

But I KNOW my wife. Andy won't be seeing a talking bear in the house until at LEAST Christmas time.

Plus, you have to hug Bear to get him to talk. And you have to hug him HARD. I must have hugged a dozen Bears in the store before I caught on that you really have to squeeze that hairy son of a bitch like you're trying to kill him before he welcomes you to the big blue house.

And Andy hasn't really gotten the concept of "hugging" down yet. He's a "gripper". If you go to hug him, he'll throw his arms around your neck, grab some skin and squeeze the skin in his little fists, digging his fingernails in until he bruises you.

That ain't gonna fly with Bear. The real Bear would probably rip Andy's face off his baby skull if he tried that shit. The toy bear will just sit there and not speak if he's gripped really hard.

So it's probably a good thing that I just keep Bear in my trunk or closet for a while.

My big fear is that he'll grow out of the Bear stage by then and be watching Blue's Clues or something.

Then where am I?

I'll tell ya friend...I'm up shit creek and my paddle is mysteriously missing like bin Laden.

I ate my lunch and I'm still hungry. This is not a good thing.

I had leftovers from last night...bow tie pasta with tomato sauce and chicken and zucchini...and an apple.

I had no fats which might explain my hunger.

I counted the tomato sauce as a fat, but it's not.

I'm going for my first visit to the nutritionist this afternoon. I've prepared a list of questions to ask her. They go something like this...

"Why in the hell does this diet suck so bad?"

"You got any pizza in that purse? I'll pay you. I'll pay you good money for some pizza."

"Can liposuction cure diabetes?"

"Do I look fat in this body?"

"What's the job market like for fat blind guys with no legs and chronic liver problems who are prone to frequent strokes?"

"Since this is considered a disability, can I get one of those cool handicapped parking stickers to get good spots at the mall?"

"Will you show me your starch if I show you my fats?"

"Isn't it funny that I may look like I'm listening to you but I haven't paid attention to a single word you've said?"

"Screw all that technological mumbo jumbo...when do I get my peanut butter cups back?"

"Did you just fart? Tell me you didn't just fart."

Tonight the food pantry at church opens its doors to the needy. I plan on going straight to church from the doctor's office and helping out for a while. Then I've got another meeting about the church brochure at 6, so I can only help out for a bit.

Susie got a letter from the church yesterday asking her to be an elder in the church for 2002.

This really sucks.

Because I've already agreed to be a deacon, but elders are over deacons and elders get to talk and pray and shit and deacons just stand there and pray silently.

It's just not fair.

And I KNOW that they'll pair us up together because every couple in church that are deacons and elders are paired up so that on Sunday, you have to listen to the guy do a prayer while his wife stands by him.

Well guess freakin' what??? I'm going to be the one standing there silently while Susie gets to pray out loud.

DAMMIT!!

WHY GOD...WHY?!?!?

IS IT BECAUSE SUSIE'S BEEN GOING TO CHURCH FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS WHILE I'VE ONLY BEEN GOING FOR 13 MONTHS???

IS THAT IT???

You are a vengeful God.

Well...not really.

It's the high blood sugar talking.

Sorry about that, God.

Forget I even said anything.

Well, ain't this grand?

I'm so damned hungry I've started to eat my afternoon snack two hours early.

Pretzels.

I'm NIBBLING them. But they're still being chewed and shoved into my blood vessels.

So much for willpower.

It's official...I'm one weak bastard when it comes to my afternoon snacks.

BUT...in my defense...I didn't eat my morning snack. So that probably explains a little of this hunger as well.

ARRRRRRGH!!!

Sorry...I've gotta go.

I've got some pretzels I need to hide and forget about for two hours.